have you ever had those moments whereby you've had a weird scramble of three to four dreams simultaneously with its respective plots and supporting actors all jumbled up, wedged in between the precious hours of your deep sleep, that upon waking up, you just feel like there's this huge unexplainable load resting on your chest and on your tired eyes?
i'm sure you have.
and i've been having a lot of that recently.
I'm not sure why, but I have also been having thoughts of my father. then again, I do think of him every now and then. like whenever I see a washed up, bronze Mercedez drive past on the road, or when I help some of my friends choose out neck ties because as a kid, my dad always asked me to choose out a necktie for him to wear to work.
I woke up today with an immensely incomprehensible feeling, just like the several days before this one. as usual, I made my coffee and proceeded to check for whatever notifications I have on my phone like a modern day programmed zombie. and then I read that Robin Williams has passed, and that he had been battling depression as of late.
to quote Nick Hornby in High Fidelity,
"What came first - the music or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to the music?"
rest assured, it's not hot news that I have an affinity for songs with extremely sad meanings. that aside, I am wondering whether I have been feeling on the down low because of recent events or that I'm just predispositioned to feeling low anyway, followed by the events that follow after. and with the news of this great comedic genius passing because of something that I am familiar with, it makes me think of my father all the more.
for those who knew my father, he was a hilarious man with an infectious energy. maybe not to the standards of Robin Williams, but you could say that he brought much joy to every single person he encountered. he simply was that kind of person who put others needs before his own. but so few knew of the medication he was taking up until the day he left, how much he struggled and battled with his own inner demons, as well as the addiction that he succumbed to every now and then.
if it is true that Robin Williams had been battling depression and addiction,
I can say that I have had my own witnessing of such a sad turmoil.
and I think the saddest part is when it happens to the people you least expected would be affected.
I can say that I have had my own witnessing of such a sad turmoil.
and I think the saddest part is when it happens to the people you least expected would be affected.
those who are constantly outputting positive energy,
taking care of those around them,
putting a smile on everyone else's faces behind the facade of their own smile.
I cannot help but be thoroughly affected by such news because the subject matter is so deeply personal to me. because someone I loved and who is responsible for the person I am today had to go through that for most of his life. I guess I just needed a space to coin down my thoughts, and what better place than here.
I suppose I am feeling quite low today.
and that is okay.
Lay Me Down- Sam Smith
