because this is it.

it's the last day of the year.

many people have said that this year seemed to have flew by too instantly. maybe it's because time flies when you're having fun. i definitely had alot of fun. it's a pity that i never got to fully share here all the experiences and people that God has blessed me with. from my SPM result day, my experience from working odd jobs, the little freelance modelling gigs that i did, the expired love stories, the first day i stepped into the college that changed my life, the numerous dance projects, all the way until the recent Melaka trip with 20 other crazy kids... all of it. i still remember all of it like they had just happened yesterday.


how much i have definitely changed.


i no longer linger too long on things that demotivate and tear me down. i've become solid, a simple warrior in its very own state. instead of being the crier, i became the person people cried on. maybe because i finally truly realized that the person in control of my feelings is myself. i actually have control, and i get to decide how i feel. i am no longer the victim of impermanent solitude, i am free. 




this year, i had also realized the beauty of the people around me more. i appreciate ever so much those that are my best friends, those that are my good friends, and those that are just everyday passerbys. i learnt to see past the imperfections of people and treasure their definite qualities. i love that every single person is different in such varying ways.


i've started writing letters.
because merely stating them through texts or facebook wall posts cannot fully render the depth of my love and gratitude for the existence of some people that i've been very lucky to cross paths with in my life. i plan on keeping this plain habit, for as long as my heart has the yearning to express and speak of feelings that cannot be fully expressed verbally or in common contextual forms.


all in all, this year has been nothing but a gracious blessing.
i look forward to what 2011 has in store for me, and for the rest of us.


for now, i'm going to feast on some delicious Kelantan rice in honour of our Malaysian goalkeeper Khairul Fahmi, mmm mmm, watch Black Swan, play Monopoly and then proceed to Ranjali's house for a lovely girlfriends gathering to countdown the end of 2010.


happy new year, guys :)


Always Attract- You Me At Six

because they don't come around very often.

you see these three women surrounding me?

i have come to know each of them through different encounters, for different durations, and have gone through different life experiences with them, and conversely the same way as well. i'm glad the four of us are so compatible despite the varied dissimilarities that we have. i love Angelina, Justine, and JiaLi. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's close to 1 in the morning, my brain demands its rest and yet i'm frivolously up, sipping on a facile cup of green tea. i just cannot go to bed without writing down everything that is now on my mind. 

no, i am not awake because i have thoughts of her/thoughts of me with her. but i do have a big lesbian crush on her because she IS the epitome of perfection, despite knowing the countless plastic surgery she's had done. 

from my very own experience with the usual reaction people have towards miss Fox,

women hate her. men want to sex her. 

same goes for all the other usually-skin-baring women in the industry. 

'omg she's like so frikking HOT'

'omg her boobs are so damn huge man, damn nice'

'her body is like.... so damn cun'

'Jessica Alba is damn damn hot'

'she's like the hottest girl ever'

'her face + her body is like cun man PERFECT'

do i even need to begin with what men usually say bout her?

in no way am i condescending towards these few women that i chose to use as examples here. i actually think they're beautiful and have more frequent girl crushes on them than you can imagine. my problem is the italicized captions, which represent the comments they usually get, particularly from the male species. 

as obviously,

there's not much vocabulary in the average male person's dictionary other than 'hot' and 'cun'. 

surely, i cannot blame the men for being so objective towards women when you have them scantily clad in racy underwear for magazine covers and issues ( sometimes even without the underwear ). and yes i do know very well that not all men talk like that. however, i know many who do.  my question is what about the other women? what about those that don't choose to reveal as much skin as the ones showcased here? 

here's something for laughs;

i asked a few male friends once if they had any idea who Audrey Hepburn was. 

'nope'. 

siapa makan wasabi, dialah rasa itu pedas sampai naik hidung

the classics; Emily Blunt, Natalie Portman, Carey Mulligan, Anne Hathaway... you don't hear too often guys saying they're sexy as hell or has got a hot rack. in fact, you don't even hear them being talked about. not amongst the objectifying-type men, to say the least. the word beautiful comes about so rarely these days, if not, misused. could it be that men just feel inferior talking about beauties with brains? not saying that Katy, Jessica or Kim are brainless, but do note that one of the latter girls mentioned has a Harvard's degree in Psychology. 

it is safe for me to conclude:

men talk about hot girls more than beautiful girls. 

the ones with big perky boobs, tight asses and lots of skin to share with the world. i sometimes wonder about the level of influence on how our generation of women dress; skimpy tight clothing are infamously blustering. more in-your-face cleavage everywhere. skirts are turning into thongs. shameless plug alert: i fall into that category too once in a while. of course, there is no problem with wanting to look and feel sexy. you think i don't like ah? however, the general concept of beauty in the eyes of both men and women has changed so much and truthfully, it is deeply upsetting. 

i remember when Lea Michele was just like any ordinary actress, until she bared her toned tummy and a bit of her chest in Glee's Britney/Brittany episode. STARTED LAH the whole 'wah that lea michele's actually hot' frenzie. mcb. WAS SHE NOT HOT BEFORE?

before prom, many knew me as the girl who wore boy jeans, comfy tshirts and sneakers. i got little attention from the oppositing gender; i even had some question why i was so manly and unfeminine. things changed after i infamously wore the insanely short Herve Ledger dress at prom. suddenly, that same person who once questioned my feminity called me.... wait for it... you guessed it, hot. 

dude,

here's my middle finger to you.

i am sick, literally SICK of the way so many boys view and talk about girls. it is demoralizing, degrading and completely disrespectful to speak of us women as supermarket groceries or easily retrieved items. if only they realize the impact of their behavior towards the idea of how women see themselves and how they think they should portray themselves. i seriously believe that if they stop paying so much attention to what is underneath the clothes, then so would the women. it is unfortunate that many women's confidence lie in the hands and brains of the shallow men that we have. unfortunate but painfully true. in short;

STOP OBJECTIFYING US WOMEN.

WE ARE NOT TOYS OR OBJECTS THAT CONSIST ONLY OF PHYSICAL ASSETS.

THANK YOU.  

Shadowland- Youth Group

because it's just wonderful.

after a long day of camaraderie and a butt-killing gym session with good friends,
i proceeded to dinner with more good friends.


i see the both of them hold hands and have their little conversations and private jokes that no one else gets. for some reason, i don't feel out of place. i was just a wallflower, observing nonchalantly in the background. it's like watching a silent movie, except that the main characters are my friends. instead of the usual feeling of envy and self-pity, it felt nice to be someone just witnessing life pass by. it was ingenuous happiness in its very own state.


why should we drown ourselves in the self-stirred sorrow of not being with somebody? is it a must to have someone by your side to be content? what about the time when you were on your own? you didn't need somebody then. what makes it a must now? easy for me to say definitely, since i had had someone special for such a long time in my life. but that makes no exception for the fact that we are the ones who define our desires and decide what gives us bliss.


i am not against relationships at all. oh no dear God, that's like saying i don't like caramel popcorn when i watch movies or something. no.


if you choose to make someone your every ounce of happiness, then it surely will be that way.
i for one, truly believe that in order to be really happy, we need to begin with ourselves. then only do we start looking for someone to be in the picture. the main purpose of relying on someone else for contentment is for us to feel happy, yes? so why not be happy on our own first?


By & By- Brett Dennen 

because my mom can be pretty amazing.

so it was one of those random conversations that i had with my mom in the car. i've been having alot of random conversations with my mom lately. not that i'm complaining. i actually adore it.


and she was talking bout how she was talking with a friend on discrimination.
and then her friend discriminated the guai lou, saying that they're so arrogant and what not, with their Jewishly high and pointy noses. and sharp chins. and less than often Super Ring Orange tan. okay so she didn't add all the physical details but yah


see the thing bout the discrimination is that, it doesn't have to occur within different races only. sure, the more serious forms of discrimination do usually involve those of different colours. i read on the KKK a few months back and had so much resentment grow inside of me, i was literally boiling. okay anyway....


i admit; i tend to discriminate my own race more than i discriminate other races. oh don't give me that i don't discriminate at all! i love evereebodee i IS 1 MALAYSIAAA~ you and i ,we all poke fun at the hasty generalizations of other Indians, Malays, Chinese and Banglas. but yes, i do disfavor people of my kind. not all the time, i just know i do. and at least i know i do. maybe it's because i feel like i don't have the right to show bias to Malays and Indians simply because i am not Malay or Indian(?)

it's like me saying Mcdonalds is not healthy when i eat KFC. 

omg which is actually a true fact :O

okay sorry for the constant relevance to food

discrimination stems from groups of similar backgrounds and cultures as well, NOT just through skin color. we are bigot to people whom we think are of lower standard than us, and same goes for the people who on the other hand, think we are lower standard than them. it's all a feisty game of class and position. and i find it more problematic than race discrimination because if we are so able and so unthoughtful as to judge people who traditionally hold the same grounds as us, it only opens up more wrong doors, i.e racial discrimination. so if people constantly make a big deal about how discrimination is such a problem and bring up 1Malaysia, they need to look inside first.


little details do count. especially in this case.



that was generally what my mother told me, in my words.
and just so you know, i am less judgemental now than i was before i shared this random, 5 minute conversation with my mother in the car. or at least i am trying/think i am.


Heavy In Your Arms- Florence + The Machine

because the dog days are over, soon.

i miss writing.
i miss having something provoke me so much, that it stays in my mind and tries hard not to leave. i remember being used to always having a pencil nearby, to jot a thought down. it was, if not always, overflowing.


my poor velvet diary.
how i have abandoned you.


i have adopted the habit of writing letters though. i always have something to tell a particular someone, and if you've gotten a letter from me, you'd know what i'm talking about.


truthfully, this has been a great, great year. not to mention how i have changed so much. even without listing it all down, in my head i have all these pictures of some of the most memorable moments i've had, ever. maybe this year, i didn't feel the need to have captions compliment those polaroid images in my mind. maybe a picture is worth more than a thousand words. cliche, but yes.


Dog Days Are Over- Glee Cast