because i've been feeling kinda forgotten.

'you can't make somebody love you.'

this has been an ongoing theme in my life i think, the whole feeling-left-out-and-forgotten thing. as mentioned by one of my best friends, C, i think there comes a point in time where we all kind of feel out of the circle, like the person from the outside staring at the inside. why do we feel that, i wonder? is it really the painful truth that the people you care for and love have really started to minimize you from their lives, or that you have begun analyzing things too negatively, thus taking in only the bad and forgetting about the good?


sigh,
the painful affliction of feelings and thoughts.


i'm trying to see things from a very rational point of view: why i feel this way, what has actually come in the way, the distance, the difference in schedules... pretty much breaking it down relationship-style. because who says only romantic relationships need effort? i think friendships need effort and TLC as well, just as much as a BGR.


i shared this heartache with one of my good friends a while back. and the thing with me that i have just recently discovered this year is that i have difficulty verbalizing my thoughts and feelings well. especially if these thoughts and feelings hurt on a much deeper level than usual heartaches. so much, that the words feel like they need to be ripped out from the back of my throat as i stutter, panic and completely lose my state of equilibrium. i mean, yeah, i usually respond alot in class and i have alot to say most of the time when it comes to Q&A sessions but i definitely believe that i write out my thoughts better than when i say them. i wish people understood that part more of me, instead of mistaking my silence for nothingness. because i feel like as time goes, i begin to develop more of my introversion, and i begin to internalize more thoughts. and by internalizing more, i begin to contribute less in a conversation. and that is one of my biggest fears, i think: that the closest people in my life start experiencing that quiet, more monotonous side of me and perhaps start wondering where the loud, vivacious, occasionally like-minded person has went. that that was a great part of me that they loved and now that the other side comes gushing out, they don't quite know what to make of it. and sincerely, i have been feeling that from many of the people that i love. and i myself, don't quite know what to make of it.


from a relationship perspective, i do feel like i'm putting too much blame on myself by thinking that i haven't been doing enough, that i haven't been giving it more time, that i haven't this and i haven't that. when pretty much, any sort of relationship is a two way effort. so whether or not i have or haven't been contributing on my part, if i am [insertMalayidiom] tepuk sebelah tangan [endMalayidiom], it's pretty much pointless, innit?

you can't make somebody love you. 

and to be frank, that really really sucks. 

over a cup of coffee on a windy Sunday, a conversation that i recall having with another great friend who goes by the name YiEn, i remember her saying how she loves being the outsider. that she enjoys observing whatsoever going on, eventhough she isn't part of the activity. 'why do you feel sad to be left out? i feel great when i am left alone!' 

while heaving over a recovering food poisoning and a blocked nose,

i surrender myself into complete and utter exhaustion.

physically, mentally and emotionally. 

because i'm still, kind of stuck i think.

i've been feeling like most people around me have found their calling. whatever direction they had been meticulously planning for their life or contemplating about, people seem to be following it pretty precisely. or wisely. or both altogether. that, or they've completely AWOL-ed it and gone the opposite direction and do their thing. it's like people have found their thing, you know.


and i'm just here,
still figuring out what my thing is.

because somebody loves me.

"Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! i like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them."

i saw love in its simplest essence today as i stared at you talking about something so deeply over my cup of coffee and your bottle of juice in the quiet little cafe where we laughed about stupid things and talked about all things as i felt like nothing else in the world mattered when all our guards are dropped and i start to think less about myself and what i want and start to think more about you in the same selfless way you think about me.

truly, i can never reciprocate what i am given.

how does one replicate such selfless love like yours?

therefore, i can only accept the bountiful love that i receive,

and love you in return, 

in the very ways that i can.  

in the eyes of people, it would seem that you were the one with a cold heart but in all truth, you radiated warmth into my bruised soul and warmed up corners of my wretched heart, the same way the 7:00a.m sun awakens freshly still skin. undefined with words alone, just something that i can only leave as a mark deep within me, a beautiful and tender mark that glows and propagates currents of electricity within me.


love is easier when you start to accept instead of expect.

Favourite Thing- Yuna

because i want to be Lao Tzu.

Respond intelligently to unintelligent treatment.

- Lao Tzu

i have a great admiring for people who are able to think two milliseconds before they can consciously respond without holding back. smart responses. witty ones with a hint of sarcasm are a two thumbs up from me. because i, on the other hand, tend to be more easily overwhelmed by emotions before my thoughts can come into process.

i feed off my anger.

and then i respond,

rather,

unintelligently.

i can't help but to treat people in the same way i am being treated. that's why i hold back from making the extra effort of being nice [i say nice very loosely because i can't think of a more suitable adjective] because i feel like i'm the kind of person who can only love so much. and i get exhausted and worn out because i don't know how to say no or stop to myself. that's perhaps another personal flaw, not knowing how to tell myself enough. so yes, that is why i have a tendency lately of minding my own business and caring only for the people who care for me. i don't have the energy anymore to cater to everyone's feelings, though i still get anxious thinking about whether or not people are okay from time to time. 

simultaneously,

if people interrupt in my peace of mind,

i will get really, really ticked off. 

if i make it clear by my body language that i am to be left alone and to be unprovoked by any form of negativity, i don't think it is difficult to do so. seriously, how difficult is it to leave somebody alone? if i make it clear that i am going to give you your personal space by enclosing myself in my personal space, take that as a goddamn gift, why don't you. that i'm not biting on your back, constantly speaking with such toxic energy. ignore me and my flaws the way i ignore you for all your flaws and what not. 

so yes. i don't really know how to react intelligently when i feel like i am being treated unintelligently because i think more with my faint little heart than my brain. or perhaps my heart takes greater precedent over anything else. hmmmm. how do people manage to contain their emotions so well?

Come Walk With Me- M.I.A

because this should have happened before anything.

you didn't do anything about it

you didn't do anything about it

you didn't do anything about it

this is me finally doing something, despite the difficulty and how hard it is to even utter why i have to do what has been done. but it had to be said. the air needed to feel the vibrations of the echo of words that needed to be pulled out from deep within my being. i cannot sweep anymore under the carpet. i cannot pretend and ignore, and act as if things are going to be fine with time.

they are not.

a measure has to be drawn,

and a measure did i draw. 

i don't feel empty. in fact, i feel renewed. 

not entirely, but by the minuscule. 

a new surge of energy overtakes my tired bones, lighting it on slow course of blue fire. my dried eyes can barely open but i feel like they need to close for this page and open again to a new chapter of this story. the story has not ended. this is merely an interlude; an important interval that should have been in the beginning phase of the story but we jumped into a cascade of burning desire, smothered with infatuation, obsession and disillusionment. we were like silly little teenagers, except that we are not.

perhaps it was moreso for me; i couldn't discern illusion from reality, romanticism from rationality. i was caught off guard, trapped in the blaze of first sight's illusions. so magnificent, so magnanimous, so one of a kind. i idealized what i saw, too much of what i saw. and with time, the idea began to fall apart like wallpaper slowly tearing away from an aging wall. things are not always as how we see them. our brains trick us. we only see what we want to see. 

to think that i saw a point of flawlessness.

how foolish.

no one is ever perfect but i tricked myself into thinking otherwise.

and perhaps, in how C put it,

this is but a natural phase. after one year, you finally begin to question the foundations it all. what is the base? are they pebbles or rock-solid tar? how strong is the ground you stand on? what is your reason of it? why? 

as silly as it sounds,

i need to know what it's like to be me again. 

i want to drown in the joys of my own loneliness.

cultivate it, grow in it, 

be able to fully grasp a firm sense of self before jumping into other grassy lands. i need to rid off this disgusting, parasitic nature of mine; the inability to stand on my own two feet without depending on another soul to carry the weight of my world. i need to rejuvenate, rediscover the principles and beliefs i once stood for that now seem to be at lost. and for me, this is the only way it can be done.

and so it is.

no more free punching bags, no more lose-lose situations. 

i love you like nothing else in this world and no one should be treated in the way that i have been so freely abusing all the selflessness you have been giving me. not only is it unfair, it is truthfully immoral. i look at myself and this is not the person i thought i would be. i loathe it, spit on it. 

let me learn to be me again.

The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice