currently chewing on a piece of roast lamb that was tapau-ed from a family friend's dinner, and mucking over alot of things that i want but don't get in life.


1) my hips. i am looking at them, plump and too large on the chair i sit on; in disgust. the same way i look at it a few hours ago in my jeans in the mirror in disgust, the same way i look at it naked everyday in the mirror in disgust. i have body issues shut up. in my aunt's own words two days back;

'wah JuYi you fat already lo. but looking at the way you eat i'm not surprised'

looks like the food gods have took decided to happily emancipate me off my high metabolism i like to believe i used to once have.

2) money.
this one a bit predictable lah. i know everyone in the world wants money. but i know also of people who are blessed to be born with silver spoons in their mouth all the way until their 20s. and these happy pocket-filled people get to do EVERYTHING. things that i don't get to do like shop until i literally drop because of excessive plastic bags, eat at fancy schmancy restaurants, and travel. okay, travel.


2.5)TRAVEL.
i've recently had this urge of wanting to travel. to explore places in the world that are known or not known. to just be encapsulated by beauty in its most raw and untouched state. the feeling of walking in a street of people who speak a total different language from you, and you just stay dumbfounded and excited at the same time. i am in complete envy of the people who will be furthering or even starting their college overseas, because i can't. i can only hope for loans or a scholarship. for this reason, i blame Tumblr and Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love for influencing me.


because i don't have money, or come from a rich family, i am constantly worrying about money. i don't get to spend when i want to because the change in my wallet is the change that will have to last me for the rest of the week. i have an amazingly stable and hardworking single mother who works her crazy ass off to provide food for my college-going brother, spm-soon sister and i., and that enough keeps me money-weary. and i am constantly under pressure to do the best i can in my studies because i need a scholarship of some sort to continue to my degree.


so yes,
i am in envy.
in envy of all the people i know who are so lucky, and so blessed to have been born into families that can provide just what is needed, yet do not see it and complain about the stupidest things in life like petty relationship issues, difficult subjects ( that are not even difficult to begin with ) and so on. those who don't even see education as primary importance because they don't have to.


i am jealous.
i am pathetically envious.
yes i am.

Charlie Darwin- The Low Anthem

coz I'M STILL GOING

i am not missing this

for the world

we all know that i'm not a band sort of person.
i slide more to the contemp, alternative side.
but they are one of the ONLY bands that i listen to.

i may not be as big a fan of you, but i still am.

AND I AM GOING YO

oh, did i tell you that its in the middle of 2nd sem's midterms?

who else is going?

Tables and Chairs- Andrew Bird

and then i just had two slices of sinfully delicious chocolate and chunky peanut butter covered pancakes

FAIL LAH

because i can't do this

i practice a balanced lifestyle.

i eat three proper meals a day and i never miss them. i try to exercise everyday, run a minimum 3 times a week. i can't run long enough to burn 200,000 calories but at least i try. i sleep early, minimum 6 hours daily or occasionally. i try to not get too worked up or stressed for long periods. see, i value the importance of health. because i know the consequences of being on the other side. hell, i've been on the other side. to be hospitalized and have a doctor be stunned that someone at the age of sixteen developed a disease that obese people in their 40s get. i know how it all feels like.


hence, my leafy turnover.
but there's this problem.


i cannot stop. eating. all these things that are not good for me. you know, those thingy majingies at the top of the food pyramid? the ones that are kept behind pretty glass counters telling you to BUY ME EAT ME! i eat them everyday. and i mean. every. day. chips. icecream. cookies. cake. cupcakes. iced cupcakes. chocolate. caramel filled chocolate. melted chocolate. chocolate icecream. sundaes. fries. i eat them everyday. in between meals, before meals, during my meals... straight to the point, i crave all this shit.


what worries me is its effect on my body. all of you can say sweet things that are annoyingly ear pleasing like 'but ohhhh your body burns it faaaaaaast' and 'you're still so sliiiiiiiiim' but for how long? i'm eighteen, and i have building cellulite on my legs. the type that by the time i reach 40, it'd be like the ugly version of the Michellin baby's legs.

oh yeah, in case you can't tell,

i'm also very body conscious.

i've reached the panic mode where i'm now thinking of when i grow older and if this binging habit doesn't stop. i don't want, to be looking at myself in the mirror, and crying at what i see. i'm scared. i want to love my body for how it looks but if i already absolutely hate it for how i'm making it look now, what would i do to myself in a decade's time?


i appreciate what God has blessed me with. i really do.
but i'm abusing it like an unthoughtful owner. 
i cannot do this. and i need to figure out how to stop this.


Lighthouse- The Hush Sound

dream within a dream part 2

so i watched Inception again yesterday with mamah
still as blown away, no longer as confused ROFL


actually no, confused is the wrong word. i was more... fascinated? encapsulated? boggled? truly, the idea of the entire movie just sparks more and more ideas regarding dreams, subconsciousness, the human brain and its ability. Christopher Nolan you ARE GENIUS. to be able to go that far in terms of thinking so creatively and unexpectedly, and to produce one of the most notable movies of all time. i clap and joget joget for you.


you know WHAT got me thoroughly pissed off?
Cobb bringing Mal wherever he goes in his dreams. shooting shooting, there she is. earthquake, there she is. ya ya when you go to the toilet and berak bring her there also lah k. your children i excuse because you couldn't see their faces.


but if there were only such thing though, in real life; being able to lock memories away and visit them when you want to and when you need to. i wonder if i would do that. to preserve the memories and moments i've had with the people i've lost, and go back to that one two moments in time for the pure addictive heck of it.

the truth comes out of the bag when you mess up between your reality and your dreams.

and that truly, truly terrified me to no end.

all of us have lost people we love, haven't we?

i know many have lost mothers, and dads, like i did. can't help it when we rethink the times of laughter and joy that were shared, to feel it all over again. but we can't, because those are just memories, memories that can't be felt and can't be touched. just.. memories. however, if.... you were given the chance and ability to store those memories as real trinkets in glass bottles, and unleash them ala genie in the bottle whenever you want to, would you? just the idea of revisiting and re-feeling all those now distant times?

i would. i really really would.

i'd give anything to hug my father again, and tell him i love him over and over again. and that i would've changed the outcome of it if i could, over and over again. to hold his hand and let him know that i'm sorry for what has happened. even to just see him; his face, that would be an entire heaven on its own.

but then i won't. 

because his absence is what makes me today. because the genuine quality of those moments would deteriorate if they were to be that easily attainable. i know i often, dramatically pontificate the idea of a rollercoaster as life but yes. its like riding a roller coaster and only wanting to sit through the fast sloops and exciting spins. yeah sure, FUN with a capital F, but how long would it take for you to sit through those thrilling parts until they don't mean anything to you anymore? or even, how are you going to move on with life when you willingly allow old stories be a part of your new one? 

soon you begin to see them everywhere; when you wake up, when you're leaving the house, when you're in school or when you're working. it was SO. PAINFUL for me to watch Cobb subconsciously allow these distractions into his life i just felt like jumping at the big screen and shaking him up but no need thanks to ellen page and her great acting

memories are memories for a reason.

all we can do is that when we do dream about them, we treasure it, and let it go. and then we walk. 

i mean... not like you can keep them the way Inception showed right.

Collide ( Acoustic )- Howie Day

because that is a real man

"Here’s the thing you gotta understand about Lynette. 

 She grew up without her dad. 

Her mom was a drinker. 

So she had to be responsible for everyone. 

It left her with this constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart.

And that’s why she needs to control everything. 

Of course, she can’t. Nobody can. But… She can control me… If I let her. 

So I do. Because it makes her feel safe. 

And that is my job, as her husband… to make her feel safe.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

would you be daring enough to stand up for something that no one else stands up for?
to walk the hard narrow path, that few people choose?


in a snap of a finger, we'd all say yes; i dare stand up. the question is how far would you go in letting your faith and belief be tested? would it change once your life is put on the line? us humans; we're all afraid to die. some, because of not knowing where is the next place to be after death. just like you, i believe in a heaven, a place that is good and peaceful and truthful. maybe you don't believe in heaven, but that's somewhat the image of your longed afterlife residence, isn't it?


our lives are filled with challenges, and tests and troubles.
but God just could be our biggest challenge of them all.

a real man is ready to live only when he is ready to die.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

whats new?

first three months of college; dzown. 
i'm currently at HELP working on getting ma degree in psychology. :) i know i've once said i'd most definitely be venturing into journalism but under circumstances, willing and unwilling, i'm going for pscyh instead. the people here are amazing. i've made a bunchful of great, great friends and many lecturers of those i respect are beyond qualified in doing what they do. i'm glad i made the right decision on choosing to go to this underground, never-knowing-whether-its-tsunami-or-sunshine, occasionally-without-aircond college.

the people i hang with;
are sometimes, too much to handle. they actually wear me out, i'm not kidding. to be fairly honest, i'm a very normal girl with outbursting thoughts, thats all. mediocre personality, okay face, just-right brain. i think. but YES, can i please introduce to you the people that i talk to in college? kthnx.

1) Jayanthi Jane Palani

she asks to be called Jane coz she thinks she's some mat salleh. obsessed with good looking men, hence, she is sexist towards the UNgood looking men. makes noises go figure when she spots good looking men. curses alot. le organizer of half of my life. my english partner. my mamah. my best friend. insanity level: 70/100

2) Mimie

George Craig lovers. Tokio Hotel freak. does Addmath when she's bored. borrowed The Lovely Bones from her two months ago but barely read it. rockstar. no seriously, she's a rockstar. i know many of you will love her coz she listens to the awesomest set of music; from The White Stripes to We Are The Kings, she rocks it like that. my nomnom partner. my best friend. insanity level: 80/100

3) Mira 

so girl next door kan? pendiam from outside. you just have to turn on the music, and she'll joget joget for you. not simple joget joget know, the clubbing goncang-goncang type of joget joget. jokes too. and DOES SHE NOT HAVE THE NICEST EYEBROWS IN THE WORLD OMG. my dance partner. my best friend. insanity level: 50/100


these three

are also the first three people i got to know in college <3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the boyz;

Ashiee and Justin <3

insanity level(s): 250/100 and 100/100

i cannot even begin to describe these two, SRSLY. comparing them to monkeys or wild cows is not even enough. satu cakap non stop, satu jerit kuat macam badak apetah semcm. dua dua very bising lah, in general. one recently spazzed over a pair of blue converse, one spazzes over everything. was not in the same semester with them for the first three months but unfortunately will be for the 2nd sem. despite all the unneeded noise, they get all my love coz they're actually very awesome and are almost always there for me. my Biebers, my best friends. <3 

there are many others really but i malas nak upload. ok yah.

i've been eating alot.

i know you're not surprised but still. i've been munching down cupcakes, chips, cakes, deep fried crap, sugary refined crap and what not. everyday i eat something sweet i'm not even kidding. i'll show you my E-Fat Food Journal:

09th Aug, Mon: buttered waffle, Twisties Crispies

10th Aug, Tues: big bowl of icecream, cheesed rice, KitKat bar

11th Aug, Wed: cream pasta, two cupcakes while watching Inception, KitKat bar

12th Aug, Thurs: fried bun, fried chicken for dinner, Oreos,

13th Aug, Friday: cream pasta, two slices of chocolate cake

14th Aug, today: cupcake with icing, sugar doughnut

15th Aug, tomorrow: i'm thinking more Twisties Crispies, and heavy dinner with cousins

ok yah. 

i need to get my writing mojo back.

i'm on the lookout for things to write about. or actually, i can always flick through my diary's pages from the last six months what, you think i stopped writing completely?.  with all my happy moments and blessings, comes all the sadness, heartache and tears before and after them. i've been maintaining a happy-go-lucky spirit, or at least i try. i do however think i'm much happier now than how i was last year and i credit this to God and my friends who keep me up and about.

so yes, inspiration.

i'll just loiter around and see what tickles my writing fancy. 

Mosh- Eminem

dream within a dream

so i just finished rambling about the epicness of Inception to my mom just now.
yes i just watched it. and no my mom has not watched it. 

okay, let me just say..........

that it is genuinely one of the most interesting, encapsulating, vividly scary yet exciting movies. ever made. three hundred percent. i have so much to say about this bloody movie i can't even.... UGHHH.

before i even watched it, i didn't have the urge to because 1)i am not a fan of Leonardo Dicaprio  2)at all and i don't know why so  3)my interest level was about 2/10 and 4)i didn't get the trailer. seriously, only God can get the trailer.


reasons for ultra super thumbs up:

  
1)story line.

 TAK FAHAM

dream within a dream within another dream, installing an idea into The Mark's mind and ensuring that the idea is independently produced by The Mark, figuring out the difference between subconsciousness and reality, not figuring out the difference between subconciousness and reality.. you get the whole kick. pun intended.

WARNING: people who don't have high IQ seriously cannot watch this movie. i can just imagine the number of people who, at the end of the movie, cursed and had the O.o face. i would know, i was cursing. thank you Christopher Nolan for making me constantly rethink of the concept you created although i watched it 9 hours ago.


2)visual imagery & sound effects.

the entire movie was completely, visually delicious. if Inception were ever to come true in our future lives, i would really want to be a Dream Architect. because it is actually logic ( infrastructure of a dream appearing unlogic/paradoxical like upward/downward stairways, unlogical placement of things ) and i have actually had a few dreams like that before. and thank you, Hans Zimmer for the music. also, the placement of sound effects scared the bajeezers out of me. so so well done.

3)cast.

especially Ken Watanabe, Marion Cotillard, and Ellen Page. proves you don't need big shots to make a movie big. *cough*Valentine's Day*cough* i am still not a fan of Dicaprio.


4)JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.

nuff sed

5)ending.

WAHLAO THE ENDING. JUST WAHLAO.

get back, click-clack, BLAOW

wowza. certainly haven't seen the blogspot post bar for a long while.
i don't even remember how to use certain functions. i kidz you not.

its 12:40a.m., am exhausted from a long day which started off at 5 and reaching home at three hours ago. without caffeine; because i am my own wonderwoman that way. NGIAH AH. but yes, my first college semester is ovah. OVAH! just two weeks to the next semester and i'mma cherish this itsy bitsy bit of freedom before i go back and die! aaaaaaaaaah sqwrtysasdfghjkl


........................
but seriously though,

i really have been missing, haven't i? from writing on a day to day basis, to not writing anymore for half a year. the start of it was torture, i won't lie. i've always been somewhat, interconnected with my online page that i write almost everything into. but i just wanted to get away from the routine of it all, step out, and experience things without having to think of effects. causes. results. expectations.

well its been 8 months.

and i finally feel the need to write again.

Love The Way You Lie- Eminem ft Rihanna