'cause we got to change.

today i suddenly feel elevated.
i felt the need to speak, to talk to people i don't often talk to, to acknowledge the ones that are the silent wallflowers in my world.


i used to have a nasty habit of analyzing details,
and then mock myself because of the advantages that people have over me, but also quietly pat myself on the back because of the advantages i have over them.




i feel changed.
not entirely, but most definitely.





today, during the sermon which i arrived in time for,
i found myself engaging passionately in the message that Pastor Ong was preaching to us. many of the things that he has been talking about recently happen to be very mind opening and enlightening ( for myself ). today, he spoke about how many Christians reach their destination, but don't fulfill their destiny.



i am not speaking in reference to anyone, not even myself, but he is indeed very true. logically, what is the point of constantly talking about bringing more people to Christ when one doesn't live in the ways of our Lord? sure; it IS GREAT to preach and spread the gospel but if in the process, we lie, we practice fraud, we dismiss other important things like family and loved ones... how does that make us any bit Christian?

on a more relevant note for youth,
we bitch, we blabber, we complain, we gossip...
what sort of image are we portraying to the world as His believers?

we focus so much on booking a spot for ourselves in heaven,
until we forget to live in His ways during our time on this earth.


the reason why i found this message enlightening was because i never saw bringing-more-people-to-Christ as my destiny as a Christian. i got confused along the way and my belief system nearly broke because i saw and experienced many friends who seemed to have focused on that with more importance, instead of first, trying to live righteously.


please don't get me wrong,
and think that preaching the gospel is unnecessary.
it is only something that i will do successfully one day when my faith and belief in Him is of top notch, and when i am finally ready to exemplify myself as the right example of a believer.

right now,
i am still a piece of forming clay,
not fully shaped yet,
and simply not ready yet.

with this,
i pray that all my brothers and sisters can rethink and reshift our focuses. that if we have focused on our destination so much instead of our destiny, we can take time to change these wrong mindsets of ours and always remember to exemplify You and the ways that You have lived while you were on this Earth. then only can we be successful in the things we do because we have allowed You to work amidst us.


Misguided Ghosts- Paramore

it is difficult sometimes to focus on a movie,
when you have such a smoldering man for the lead actor.

*sigh* Logan Bartholomew.
why are there so few pictures of you on the net!?

now i'm going to buy Janette Oke's books,
and ingeniously visualize him in every picture possible.


Clocks- VersaEmerge

because its the Trinity smackdown.

Chemistry

Physics

Biology

i planned on taking a break today,
but my nerves are constantly getting to me.
good luck, fellow Addmath students!

Billy Bell
the most amazing being i've ever seen

probably the cutest thing on the first day of SPM,

was half of the hall with their shoes off. :)

ready, set........

because i learnt something.

as expected,

i wept like a baby.


Ratings: 4.5/5 stars

if you're not a big fan of like fast cars and explosions, or lots of girls in thongs and bikinis, or lots of slapstick humour, then you would definitely loike this movie. *thumbs up* its really nothing to brag about, this movie. but maybe thats why i like it so much. and have you ever noticed how Rachel Mcadams is just so beautiful? yes, Rachel Mcadams is who i'm talking bout, not Eric Bana.


a pretty good story,
that will make you stone out and think about life.
damn do i sound philosophical

------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've always been one to speak my mind.
and its not a surprise or shock to many either, this simple statement.


but... you should know that i used to be that timid, weird bookworm who sat in the corner of the room and only talking when i'm hungry, thirsty or irritated by a mosquito. then i went through the whole 'peer pressure' phase and from the different walks of life that i have befriended, i was definitely one of the most peer pressured. i felt the need to talk a certain way, not to speak of things that i thought maybe would make me look like a snoozeball and to just follow the flow.

quite unbelievable, coming from a school debator eh?

sometimes i wonder if i still do, or, am like that.
i've changed, definitely, but once in a while i still feel like i'm forcing my lips shut because i don't want to exude.... well, a boring personality. to walk with my head held high, faking every inch of confidence as i walk step by step. to just jolt up a conversation because i despise weird cricket-noise moments. to laugh at someone's lame joke, though in my mind i'm going 'God is this guy for real?'

today i learnt,
that maybe its not all too bad a thing, this thing that peer pressure has made out of me.

it has made me a bit more aware of people's intentions and true colours sometimes, and a fast critic towards a person's character, persona and behaviour. i know whats in and happening, and whats not. but being the person that i've finally became, thanks to the great upbringing of my parents and guidance from weird-as-well friends, i learnt not to care so much. that really, none of it matters. this plastic world that exists.


it has taught me how to make the best out of a situation.
how to behave in front of different people at different occasions, to let someone know that i'm willing to share an ear if i could help by just listening. to make someone feel better, by laughing at their not-so-funny joke.


it has also made me more aware of people, in general.
the good things that we can do, and also the bad things we can do. how we fall to sin's temptation and perform acts of small crimes and big crimes.

that maybe sometimes, its better if i kept things to myself.
to speak of things only if necessary, be it good or bad.
ironically, as i publicly write this part-confession-part-truestory, i finally understand what it means by privacy. and own space.


and that is something that i am learning to develop.
i am still going to be an outspoken person,
but now with my own privacy.
keeping my life as something that shouldn't be known by everyone and anyone.







oops.
have to go study.


Broken- Lifehouse

because

many think i'm probably busy working my ass off.
immersed in Physics books, reading and reading more History like how i always do. or probably showing off some Biology knowledge to a poor unwilling ear.


truth is,
i just finished watching 2 wholesome hours of SoYouThinkYouCanDance season4's audition on AXN, and a Desperate Housewives shocker episode where Edie crashed her car into a telephone pole and accidentally got electrocuted after finding out that her husband is a psychopath murderer.


i know i should never compare myself to others.
i know i shouldn't be here on the computer, so freely either.


and no its not my first time "taking a break from studying".
in fact, i've been taking too many breaks from studying.
and again, no. i'm not being too hard on myself.


i simply can't recall being in this state of mind before my trials or before my PMR if i'm allowed to date that far back. to be honest, i don't know why i'm allowing myself to waste the last bits of precious time before this examination. i don't know what is driving this senseless arrogance in me. 'i don't know' seems to be buzzing in my head thoroughly in the past fortnight.

i've lost all sense of motivation.
i no longer see my goal.
i have no answer.
its all getting blurry, fuzzy and numb.

i know. its just an examination. life can go on. bla.


just that all these expectations that are coming of of me, and the want to do it for the teachers who've put in so much effort into helping me and guiding me. i am no longer the subject of my determination. its so painstakingly difficult because i want to but i can't. get. it. together. i know i can do it but i'm just not sure, what more with the fact that i'm simply not busting my ass off like how most of you are thinking.


i don't need a 'you are already prepared' or 'you can do it'.
because i have no bloody idea.
and neither do you.

seven days left.
and i have no idea where i stand.

Moments Between Sleep- VersaEmerge

coz seriously,

i have some spectacular friends.
especially this one.

a real nutcase 80% of the time but overall he's amazing :D

i also love celine tang, sarah lee, tanboonhoe and all you chews!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

the massage parlour's closed already.
great job.


i'm just gonna sit here, rot and die with this spine thats going to dislocate itself any given minute now.



yes.
i am a drama queen and i exaggerate.




have fun sitting for SPM without me, kekawan ;)

my new favourite way to overcome overwhelming tears and emotions;




going to sleep.





goodbye and goodnight.




Holiday- Boys Like Girls

coz it makes me pretty damn sad.

money makes the world go round,
the world go round