because it's all okay.

when the skies have turned a blue black,
nothing but silent roads and gushes of sound as one or two cars speed by on the highway,
music playing softly to accompany me.

why is it that my peace of mind only arrives when the whole world is sleeping or is still asleep. 

i think my level of tolerance with people has decreased with time. not that i no longer enjoy the company of people, i still love people and meeting new people. but i've reached a part of me that says 'yeah maybe not everyone, you know?' i love people but not all people. i think when i realize the depth or how much some people ultimately lack depth, the idea of having to talk to them shuns me off. okay, maybe depth is too strong a word. people who have belittling morals or hold selfish principles. all the more are those who don't realize it. and they continue down their happy paths, thinking nothing is wrong and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what they think or how they are. 

it scares me how some people can never find a flaw within themselves.

they actually believe the world revolves around them. and i mean actually, literally, actually. 

because sometimes, these people don't realize what affect it has on the people around them. 

my peace of mind only comes at quiet times in the day because i don't feel or have the need to tolerate people. that sounds pretty sad, ain't it? but well, being alone is different from being lonely. in fact, being alone is one of the best things in the world. i love when there is no need for me to put up a front or put up a level of toleration. just me being me.  in the words of BBC's Sherlock, i wish i could tell some people to not think sometimes because they pollute my air.

thus, my current life.

a gradual progress from feeling anxious about the smallest things like whether or not i kept the milk in the fridge and then twelve hours later, remembering that as much as i am alone, i am not entirely alone. i have people who care about me. i have the greatest friends. i have the most wonderful companion. and i have God. 

i'm okay.

I Wanna Go- Yuna

because this is an emotional post.

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."


i would've avoided coming to my usual public platform but i couldn't find my journal. and i didn't want to scribble negative thoughts to the beginning of my new empty journals/books. also, i get double brownie points for getting public sympathy. HA HA

can you, though?

remove people from your life, especially if it's a relative/in the blood? 

a romantic interest, friends... these people come and go and it would still be okay but family? how does one loosen the ties? do these ties even loosen? to remove toxic people from your life,  would it still apply if it was family?


of course, what is toxic to me is not necessarily equally toxic to someone else. my experience is purely my experience, and same goes to my perspectives, my thoughts, my opinions. we can share all that by means of conversation with another person but to what extent can the other person agree to disagree? can they even come to agreeing in the first place?


fact still, i know what is toxic to me. perhaps one of the only things that makes my blood boil and veins rage has always been the same. and i need not mention it specifically anymore because those who know it, know it. 


i suppose i'm just tired. 
i am exhausted of how much i have to put up with. and i know i can handle alot of things in life; throw me a pile of assignments, have them be on the same submission due date, add on a part-time working schedule and i would still be able to handle it all. but this; i just run out of breath. this weight that takes over me emotionally, physically... to the point where i am left in a pool of disappointment, anguish, and ultimately, sadness.


because there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.
"no matter how much we try, we cannot change the perspective that people have of us."


and unfortunately, this affects my life too in the family. it's all a part of the unwritten social norms of who's in the group and who isn't. i know i'm a blackbird in that sense; never have i wanted to be considered to be in the group. but it's toll of being looked upon as the weird, think-too-much [quote]useless shit[endquote] that i cannot handle. and to this; there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.


such painful, detrimental words from someone who is supposed to be younger than me. words that i would never use on any human being. every word a knife, every inch deeper the cut, ever more irreparable the damage done. my life is tiptoe-ing in a land of explosive mines; i will never escape this.


Over The Love- Florence + The Machine 

because i love you.

one year.

one year since that prospective date and time when i cried tears of joy because i knew my life was going to change when you asked for my hand to hold and we sat right there in our childish happiness for what seemed like fifteen minutes was actually two hours as we soaked in the first moments of the two of us being together. 

one year since.

365 days of me having someone wish me good morning and goodnight without fail, always ensuring i come first, almost to the extent where it drove me to my own point of narcissism, and one of the best things about being with you and you being with me is that you always offer your food to me first and let me have the last bite as well, if i wished it. 

so this is what it's like to be in a real relationship.

one that tests, pushes, breaks and challenges the two parties; and at the same time, makes you learn more about yourself than you've ever had. makes you understand what it is to give without expecting in return. makes you feel a plethora of emotions that you cannot translate into words. 

people say that the first year is just the honeymoon phase and the challenge of being in a relationship gets harder and harder with time. or is it?

here's to the second year.

Never Let Me Go- Florence + the Machine