because it's all temptation, whether we realize it or not.

a lot of people seem to think it's weird/paranoiac for me to keep a food journal: meaning keep a list of everything that i've had in a day, from breakfast til' supper. i admit, i am not over my slight issues regarding weight but just to make it clear, the fact that i write them down doesn't mean that i don't eat/haven't been eating adequately; i STILL EAT LIKE THE REGULAR JUYI OKAY. tengah hari makan nasi lepas tu thosai with mutton curry for makan malam pls.

 i just like the idea of knowing and keeping track of what i put into my body. if you still find it weird, then hey i'm not the one who doesn't realize i eat Mcdonalds 4 times a week.

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so here's something to talk about.

don't we all have moments where we just can't stand people for the things that they say like 'oh i can't stand hypocrites' or 'people who procrastinate are bat-shit annoying' *these two examples are in reference to nobody* simply because we know that they are what they're saying?


just today i was telling a couple of friends how i disliked this person even more after making a public remark/statement about something, with completely no idea that the she was also in that circle of negative thought she was implementing! damn bangga tau that people were supporting her samo!


so i was like................

i want so bad sometimes, to go up to these people's faces, and go;

YEAH, YOU FORGOT YOU WERE TALKING BOUT YOURSELF TOO, STUPID.

but reality always strikes.

because before i attempt such 'brave' acts, i remember that in life, we all have a 'blind self'; an area of ourselves in which we don't see but others see. annoying habits and traits like spraying saliva a little too much when talking or being a little too bossy. i know i have several negative traits in particular, that people see that i don't. 

the normality of only looking at people's less beautiful sides is such an immoral yet accepted and generalized idea amongst us. with a cup of tea in hand, here's to changing and improving on that. here's to trying to be Mr Bright Side day by day. for as long as we remind ourselves, choosing better over bitter can never be too hard.

Baby Baby Baby- Make The Girl Dance

there's something about nude women that intrigues me.
slender/thin, nude women.

the way their collar bones and ribs reflect so well against light, the sharpness of its edges, the clean simplicity of their skin. beautiful.


and no i didn't mean that in a lesbian way.
even if i did, what's your problem?

i wore purple today.

5/01/08

i was on the way to Suria Jaya to collect my trophy for getting all As for PMR.
i asked if you would come with me, since it was a pretty significant moment for me.
and you said no.
thats what you always said; no.


i walked out of the door, tears streaming in the back of my eyes.
why were you so selfish? why did you not care?


later that night, you texted me.
and i flicked it off.
it read;

'my dear princess, i will always be proud of you. you should also always be proud of yourself, okay dear? love, daddy.'

who knew that that would be the last thing you say to me.
and who knew that that would've been the last moment we shared together. bitter as it is.

today well more like yesterday i also got my prom gown, heels and a new bag + bonding with my mamah.

i'm telling you, i really did love today.

1:11 a.m, on 10/10/10
just got home from hanging out with my lovely bunch of mates <3


i've been so uptight ever since i became a college student. always doing my homework, reminding people to do their homework and being attentive in every class. today, i forgotabout my obligations for a little while and just laughed out to my heart's content, ate great food and sang out loud to Justin Bieber songs in the car. i felt free, like a new born child who was captivated by the world and it's beauty once more.


i loved today.
i really did.

because we all leave, eventually.

there she stood.


a few steps away from me, all ready in her baju kurung uniform, supporting an overloaded Swan school bag on her little shoulders. there i was, a few steps away from her. it was a fresh 7 in the morning. i looked at her and she looked back. i flashed her a grin.


Sri Rampai was still asleep; only birds and everyday workers were up and steadily chasing what they always chase. the moon was still opaque and visible in the empty blue sky. i took a deep breathe and closed my eyes. car by car drove swiftly pass the both of us and we have not left. i assume she had been waiting longer than i was, since she was starting to look indolent. there we stood and waited for another fifteen minutes. doesn't school start at 7? isn't she going to be late for school?


in the morning bliss, we waited and maintained our patience. we were alone and on our own, but together in that small radius. in a way, we didn't know each other but in a way, we did. two girls just waiting for our ride to our daily routine. it's nice to have some sort of companion nearby, doing the same thing you are, eventhough you don't know that person at all. i wonder how many times she had waited alone before this because it was my first time following Jeremy to college.

then one of us left. 

and the other just stared as she went away. 

at that coincidentally right time and coincidentally right place, we meet people of whom i'd like to call soulmates. these are the special people who bring about some sort of change in your life, be it in a good or bad way. you may have known each other only for a day or two but in your minds, it seems like it has been years down the road. and for that period of time, the world feels less like a stranger to you.


but thats the thing about soulmates; many of them leave as the clock ticks by. sure, we cry when the people we love suddenly decide to leave us, wipe our memories off the brain board and pretend that the bond and friendship that was shared had never existed. we suffer in our own exuberant pain that no one else feels. we question God's harshness and wonder how can someone forget you when you never did. we always do. but there's one thing that few of us don't notice. we too, without realizing, leave the people who love us behind.


it's always easy to remember what people have done to us.
the miscommunicated errors and unfortunate mistakes.


but how often do we look at ourselves in the mirror, instead of staring at our petty scars, focus instead on the few people we have left behind the road? the girl who talks too much to you because she had no one else to talk to, the ice-cream man whom you used to buy from every week, the person who always sat next to you on the bus.


we are so overcome by the impact that is left when our loved ones walk away,
that in that lonesome pain, we selfishly yet unknowingly walk away from the people who love us.


Smother Me- The Used