because i'm glad to be.

today was a kind of really good day at work because i wore some new shoes and felt really good in them and about them. mainly because 1)i spent reaaally little on them and 2) workmates were wondering if they were the new Timberland/Martens series LOL SRSLY AH. also, 3)some of them were asking me to get them a pair in their size. 

i realize that we underrate how much of what we eat i will get on with this later and what we wear to attributing to how we feel. by how we feel, i mean how we perceive ourselves to be, our level of confidence etc. we always assume that to put much effort into how we look is clear signs of vanity and superficiality. that oh, why bother putting on makeup/wearing nice clothes because i'm not letting people see the real me kind of shindig. 

here's this big fat contradiction i simply do not get.

there are many kinds of people who have this similar mindset; that they don't believe in putting effort into making themselves look physically better because they don't feel the need to impress people with frivolousness. "why bother dressing up? i don't need to impress anybody." ya then when people don't talk to you, you get into this self-blaming, i-am-not-attractive mode and blame it on unattractive genes or compare yourself to the next person who probably puts in more effort into looking physically good. by look physically better, i don't mean the drastic measures of plastic surgery and Botox let's leave that to the Koreans shall we. i mean simple things like dressing well, wearing your hair in a different way, adding a cologne/perfume/eau de toilette, putting make up even, if you do float in that direction... it could be anything, even from wearing a nice pair of shoes! why, why do we have to attribute actions to physically improve ourselves as something that's lacking depth or trifling? 

to add something that increases how you look does not mean you are being shallow.
when you increase yourself on the outside, you automatically increase yourself on the inside.

very much like how it goes vice versa as well.

it's an entire set combination like a chain series; you feel good because you know you look good, and you also look good because you feel good. then people will think you look good as well because of the air you carry; that luminous vibe of confidence and positivity that translates into a primary form of attraction of others unto yourself. 

you think that physical, material things are what draws the attention. and you avoid it because you think it's not the right way to draw people to you and that it is unintelligent, flimsy as a cheap theater movie and cheap butter popcorn. but the attitude that you set yourself in is what shuns people from drawing to you. that negativity with a tinge of sour bitterness sheathed underneath that laugh of sarcasm. that judgmental mentality, where you hiss off at people who put time, money and effort into looking good. you think that the society draws to beauty but that in itself, is not an entirely correct thought. 

the world draws to light. 

people who carry light are those that draw others, not primarily based on what they look like on the outside. sure i won't lie, beauty wins in a lot of areas in life, but beauty is pointless if the person's personality is monotonous as a still jar. still, it's when you enhance how you look on the outside to match with the light you have on the inside, then only will you begin to be the brightest form of light you can be. you let the light on the outside reflect the light you have on the inside. then, you become translucent and people draw to you because of the light you emit. 

this goes the same for what we eat. i tend to get judged for my choices of food intake at times because they're not stereotypically and culturally normal i.e not eating rice at lunch. the reason as to why i tend to avoid heavy carbohydrates at lunch sometimes is because it gets me drowsy, and have you tried working/sitting in class while drowsy? i believe what i eat will affect my moods and concentration, so in a very biological explanation, i make my food choices based on how i want to feel. and also, adding in profanity: fuck you if i want to eat cereal for lunch ok, you obviously haven't had cereal with strawberries, bananas, almonds, toasted pecans and cinnamon before you don't know what kind of life you're missing out on 

back to the topic,

i believe in looking good because looking good means you feel good about yourself, both on the inside and outside. i don't see it as some form of superficiality; there's nothing superficial about knowing what works for you and what you put into your body respectively. i personally don't believe there's anything wrong with investing in a good pair of shoes or paying a little extra for a pair of jeans that you really like. you don't need to prove yourself to anybody, and that's the best kind of yourself you can be. if you are rocking a new lipstick or new sense of style, four points for you glen coco. 

this has been a weirdly written post of jumbled up ideas that grew from a single strand of run-through-the-mind thought. if this offends you, i am not sorry. 

Headlight Looks Like Diamonds- Arcade Fire 

because i don't know what to do anymore.

because titles are just words.

i try not to think about too much things.
i also try not to think about things too much.


but unfortunately, every now and then, i feel like something is evidently somewhere, and that somewhere always has to be right in my bloody face that i would have to be blind to not notice or see it, and thus, triggering the chain of negative thoughts in my mind.


everything. everything and everyone makes me feel inadequate.
more often that not lately, i find myself keeping quiet more often because i am treated as if i don't have enough intellect or knowledge to discuss topic matters that are in the current of being discussed. i don't want much to be included, but i dislike the feeling of being excluded. i'm not sure if the both are similar, but eitherway, it's not a nice feeling to feel. and i've been feeling it for an ongoing basis now, i'm not sure what i have to do.


perhaps everyone is too general a word.
of course there are specific people and not all people have the privilege *shameless plug* of earning my thoughts.


the worst part is when i start questioning myself.
am i not smart enough? why won't they talk to me as well? why do they ignore me? why do they leave me behind? why? why why why? 


it's funny really, how people speak of being ill-treated by others and how they feel left out, ignored etc. but everyone does that. everyone excludes at least someone every time, be it by accident or on purpose. and perhaps me feeling excluded/left out is just something that happens by accident. and perhaps this is just an incident of me overanalyzing and overthinking minute things. the only thing i know is i won't be saying much anymore. not because i have nothing to say but because my thoughts and opinions are treated like plain, empty shells and there is nothing worst than feeling like you're not good enough.