because of another's arms.

often i give the slightly inaccurate impression that i'm a really easy person because i rarely voice out my opinions on matters except if it's on the topic of benedict cumberbatch, some world philosophy, or which place serves the best fried chicken, i tend to go with the flow not the best decision sometimes and because i make myself come off as a really easy person. i dislike arguments and conflict very extremely; if i could, i would avoid any form of conflict at all costs. i don't like the feeling of my blood boiling or the idea that another's blood is boiling. i prefer things to be at room temperature, so to speak. but then again, my thinking is flawed too because what is life if there is no passionate anger every now and then?


and i think that is what attributes to my easy-going personality and how i can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. i feel like i can be a chameleon, not so much disguising myself to the next nearest thing but moreso like an adaptor, adapting to people's personalities, ideas, and thinking styles. and sometimes, i feel like that is truly what i am good at. communicating with people. and i don't mean just talking and asking them where they study or how much they earn at whatsoever job they do; i'm more curious about what's happening in their lives personally.


who are the sensitive spots in their hearts.
what particular event(s) in their lives that caused them to change for the better [or for the worse].
when did they realize that they have become the person that they are today.
where was their first kiss. or first experience to a concert.
why do they mentally choose this solution over the other.
how they managed to climb over specific mountains.


but who really talks like that anymore? 
so few, but the many few whom i've had the opportunity of knowing.


this is a rather conceited statement but more often than not, i feel like very few people truly understand me to the extent of which i try to understand them. this relates back to a self assessment that i did in a class last semester, that what we draw in nine different empty boxes on a paper exemplifies some rooted meaning to what we give to that particular object or person(s). in one of the boxes, it was a simple stick figure of a person. i don't know what it is that made me draw question marks all over the figure, alongside questions like 'who are you?' and 'what do you like?'. when my lecturer was debriefing us after the test, he helped explain that that the box containing the figure illustrates what other people are to you. and further helped analyze the reason for my question marks being because you tend to see people as question marks, giving the person the benefit of the doubt, therefore, you never see people as being easily understood from just the first impressions and that people are alot more than how they seem. which i did find very true to how i am.

honestly,

my lecturer made me sound damn cool lorh pls lol 

but analyses are just analyses

but it's contradictory as i see it from a different perspective now; that maybe that's what people are to me and that is how i treat people because that is the very way i wish to be treated. that i am more than how i seem and how i make myself to be at a present moment. but i find the process of speaking about personal matters so personal, that i only choose to open up if people asked with sincerity and not as a means of being nosy. and if people asked for the sake of knowing me, not forsaking me. that in itself, is not exactly giving the person the benefit of the doubt already because i don't give people in my life a chance. i don't. that some people are constantly trying to understand me but i choose to close myself off because i have this preconceived idea of that person not being able to understand the weight of my ever changing thoughts.

different capacities.

but after consolidated friendship with a certain few, varying from a range of knowing each other for a few months to more than a decade, some people in my life have uncovered their masks, that they are alot more than how i had perceived them to be and how they let themselves be perceived to be. upon chances of having four hour conversations past midnight over supper, Skyping over shared heartbreaks, messaging each other over simultaneous encouragement and support... some people are really a lot more than how they put themselves to be, or that some people are ever growing, ever changing and ever bettering.


all these other arms that have been extended to me.
to pick me up, for me to lean my head on, to hug me in tight embrace,
have led me to believe that we really do depend on another's arms every once in a while.
even if it is a stranger whose name you only find out ten minutes ago.


and with that, there are another's arms that i do miss.
but for what reason?


Another's Arms- Coldplay
[this album is full of simplistic genius tho, please give it a listen]

because it has been another week.

and just like that,
seven days have passed.


a few days ago, one of the good friends that i got close to over the past several months slept over and over a series of unpredicted occurrences, it frightens and amazes me how strategically our higher power has placed each of us in each other's lives, at that specific point of time, with the circumstances of what we both were going through separately in our individual lives. i no longer believe in coincidences. because fragments of the things that happen in our lives are so much more than coincidence, i have come to believe. even the most minute decisions we make, the thoughts that we have, the things that we choose to share and when to share and who to share them with... they are all part and parcel of an entire complex process that is our path, the path that has been configured for us by God.


and at this point of time,
i wish so much to just follow the path that has been designed for me.
Thy will, and not my will.


i am thankful for the significant people that have been strategically put in my life at this time and how their mere presence itself is so impacting upon the experiences that i am currently facing, vice versa as to how my presence and my current experiences are impacting them in their lives with the situations that they are facing.

how can all this be just a coincidence?

all of it. the good, the bad, the inbetween.. all things happen for a reason, although we cannot readily and presently perceive what the reason is. but i believe that God works in the most distinct ways and one day, soon enough, i will look back and see what has been done and why it was necessary at that point of time.


Gravity- Coldplay

because there are parallels in hurricanes.

the past week has been more than eventful for me, personally. I got to spend good quality time over coffee/cake/dinner with my closest loved ones. i usually never have time due to the fact that I used to be working all the time + juggling my studies at the same time. the whole idea of being busy and actively doing something at all times. which i know i'm good at, but i suppose i'm always hiding from having to confront the real issues that are always being pushed underneath.


so yes,
a confrontation it was.


it was like a spinning cloud of hurricanes just an hour ago as my mother and i stood by the balcony and watched in horror. the winds and rain were turbulently going bouts in circles and the sky was an evil colour of grey. we could hear trees falling by the road and doors getting slammed and car alarms going off. it was a chaos of natural disaster. at that very moment, i actually thought of death. what if i were to die today? in this house that is not mine, alone, with all that has happened?


okay obviously i was kind off pushing the envelope abit,
there would not be a hurricane in malaysia, ever *violently touches wood*


but that did not stop me of thinking of death.
that brief flash of lightning hitting, ending all that is temporary.
sounds so peaceful, doesn't it.


okay honesty, i need to put this death thoughts aside, because other bigger things yes there are bigger things in life than death have happened recently, too many happening in the row of eight days. and honestly, a lot of what has happened has been blessings moreso than curses. but perhaps that is how i have always looked at life. and also how i have learnt that God works in such, monumentally mysterious ways sucha mysterious fella this one that not only does He make things happen in your life in such a way but by the way He puts specific people at specific moments in your life. by the conversations that you have with these specific people and by the events that are going on in your life and said specific person's life, the words and the thoughts that He powerfully inputs upon these people and how it translates to you and how it just makes sense to you with what is going on in your life at that specific time. and also by the way He puts you in other's people's lives at that specific time and in that specific moment to trigger them with a thought with the thoughts and ideas that He has impended upon yourself.


i'm not sure you get me but if you do,
good, i will continue.


there have been evident parallels in the unfortunate/fortunate situations that have happened recently, not just to me, but to the people around me. hurricanes and thunderstorms happening around the same radius of time. almost as if the somewhat-hurricane that happened today was a sign of God and the heavens violently releasing its bowl of tears, in the same way that tears have been shed throughout the past week.

a lot of which,

have been good things coming to an end abruptly,

or rather, over an accumulation of time of things built up to look like a magnificent meringue pie, but its contents are nothing but just stale flour, sugar and powder. 

because some things need to be realized earlier before it becomes too late.

because too late is all there is to some things. 

because sometimes, people need to leave in order to teach you a lesson.

because sometimes, you need to go away in order to learn.

because our eyes need to be opened and this is the only way it can be done.
because God is the only one who knows and has it all planned out.

No One Ever Loved- Lykke Li

because it brings me so much feelings.

i've been suffering from extreme withdrawal symptoms ever since the three-night musical ended just two weeks ago. it's so hard because since december of last year, i spent three to four nights a week with these people, rehearsing and fellowship-ing altogether. i never really knew many people in church despite having gone since i was fifteen. they became such a big part of my weekly routine and every time i got to spend time with them, my mood gets an immediate lift up. it's like all my worries and problems of the day just dissipate. everything becomes okay.


other than having the opportunity to bless others and share about the story of Jesus and His resurrection to friends and outsiders, i truly believe that i have been more blessed because i have learnt so much from the different people that i got the opportunity to work with. the new people that i have gotten to know. i've grown so close to my onstage father that until today, he only refers to me as his daughter and girl, whilst i only call him papa. i've made such close bonds with other new friends, who have also felt so blessed having been a part of this production. i got to see new friendships formed too, and it's pretty damn nice being an outsider watching a beautiful inside thing happen between two people.


just a couple hours ago, i was watching the screening of the musical altogether with the entire cast and crew. because being the people in the picture, we never really knew how the message would translate and how the whole image would look on stage and on screen. to be given the perspective of the audience was a treat. each fiber in my body was on an extreme tick as i watched scene by scene go by. it was emotional as well. we all sang along, laughed out loud at the extremely cheesy scenes (most of which were of me + male lead), jeered at our friends, and shed tears.


i'm not sad, not at all.
i'm filled with such depths of happiness and gratitude that it's now 3a.m and i cannot sleep because it really is quite a lot to hold.


it is so much to hold.
and i will hold it,
not for a day, but for eternity.


Hosanna! - The Choice Soundtrack 

and also,

happy birthday :)