because he makes me happy.

there are so many ways people define a relationship.

there is the all-important and all-favourite chemistry, the yin and yang, the compatibility in personalities, the similar beliefs, the dissimilar beliefs, the birds-of-a-feather-flock-together, the opposites-attract, the physical attraction, the mental attraction... the list goes on and on. often a relationship comprises of more than two of the mentioned definitions, sometimes less and sometimes even more.


then there is of course, the unconscious, more socially-tendered ways people define relationships as well.


how much their family likes their other halves, how much their friends like their other halves, how well they blend in, how well they fit in, how well liked they are as a couple, how good they both look together, how much people comment on their relationship, social height requirements, body type requirements, financial status don't pandang pandang pelik ah you know you do it, the struggle of sacrificing parts of themselves to be with another person thus contributing to feeling like the relationship will be long lasting and worth it, the feeling and idea that the relationship is so rebellious of social norms that they feed off it, the feeling and idea that the relationship is God-approved thus feeling secured... this list goes on and on as well.


i've come to a slow learning process that what i have with the person i'm with does not have to meet the standard requirement of how people define relationships. my relationship is defined by me and the person i'm with. because at the end of the day, people can only say so much from what they see and what they deduce. and so much can only be seen by an outside party. as for matters of the slightly unknown, that is also only something that i will know, or not know(?). still, not something that can be marked by someone watching from the outside. what matters is the two people innit, nothing less, nothing more.


at the end of the day,
my relationship choices are my decisions.

in simpler and perhaps more atrocious words,

i'm learning to not give a flying fuck. 

skewing off a bit,

Justin Timberlake is just... wow.

Pusher Love Girl- Justin Timberlake

because this makes me happy.

ain't this just lovely; sitting by a window and just watching the trees move and sway about

i'm not the happiest person. no.
i get angry rather easily, though i don't admit it. i panic really fast, i go into shivers and i end up doing things in a rush of exasperation. my human flaws that i'm not proud of but hey, i acknowledge them.


i think there are alot of things that actually easily make me happy.
getting to drink teh tarik in the morning, the company of engaging friends, kissing and cuddling hehe, my blanket on cold nights, a dive into the pool, red velvet cupcakes, singing to The Lumineers, naps, walks, runs, seeing someone dressed up fancily, group dinners and such.


i've realized that one of the things that make me truly happy is when i have conversations with people. and by conversations, i don't mean yibber yabber that goes along the lines of ohhhhh how's your daaaaay and oh how's your familyyyyyyyyyy and what course are you studying/how many years do you have left sort of nonsense. in fact, i really hate when that is all people ask. if not that, it's if you're working and how much you earn and about how much criticism you get for working a job that pays little/seemingly not enough. not enough for them, perhaps.


by conversations, i mean the genuine conversations where it's a fair amount of give and take. and not something that is done forcefully. i mean where it's an unconscious thing forgive my knack of picking on subjects of the conscious and unconscious mind; perks and flaws of being a psychology major that goes with ease. in fact, i think it makes me really happy when i know that  in the midst an exchange of conversation, i can be happy for another person's happiness, even if i don't have as much as what they have or close to what they have. what makes me happy is when i can give myself in a conversation, forget of my own parsimonious needs and selfish fatigue, and just give myself away into the light and joy of others.


i think there is a great joy in being selfless.
because when we stop looking at ourselves and scrutinizing, thinking about how much people owe us and how much we our own selves matter over others, we grow this little seed of joy in ourselves. we let go off the bitterness that we keep so carefully planted inside, that the world owes it to us for our existence.

no.

the world owes nothing to us. not you, not me.

neither do we owe others anything.

when we reach that stage of accepting that animosity can truly be liberated from deep within ourselves and come to terms with the possibility of achievable happiness in its simplest state, i think we can all be easily happy.


hmmm, i want me a cupcake right now.


I Wanna Go- Yuna

i figured,


people just really think they know a lot of things. that they know their family members, their best friends, their neighbours, their enemies, their colleagues, and especially people whom they don't even know well enough. ala-ala gossip. and the list goes on. what they don't realize is when they apply pre-conceived judgments that it comes out in the way they react, the words they use and speak. deny the conscious as much as you want and can, but the subconscious sneaks out on you like a little bitch with a loaded gun.  people say a lot of things and they think they know a lot of things. and sometimes, these people are also ironically the ones who say they don't know everything. what's worse is when a situation allows them to confirm their beliefs, eventhough there is no actual concrete evidence that situation A is linked to pre-conceived judgment B, the link is established anyway.

why do we assume so easily?

worse; why do we assume when we say we don't assume?

i think a part of human nature is that we like to express ourselves in adjectives to describe our core character. and then, in par process, we expect to understand the people around us in adjective forms as well. talkative, hyperactive, weird, creep, gay, quiet, passive, emotional. if only we realized that the usage of these adjectives itself are limiting. we limit ourselves by our literary definitions. oh i'm a laidback person, i should always stay cool in the backseat and you know, say nothing. oh i'm the talkative noisy one, i'd better start yapping about something incredibly pointless and throw a stupid dance in it as well. 


unfortunate enough that we do this to ourselves but we do that to other people as well. based on a person's basic traits, we assume a great deal about their personalities and how they are as people. therefore, we think we know everything, eventhough we say we don't. in limiting ourselves, we limit other people.


humanity is not that simple to spell.
we don't know for sure how people are, whether or not we have bonded with them in a quick minute or took a timespan of years of strong friendship. i think it is vital that we all learn to just view our world and the people that we say we care about with a certain degree of understanding and respect, in which we leave all pre-conceived judgements aside and instead of saying that we understand, that we try understanding instead.  words can only do so much in comparison to the actual action.


such an array of scrambled thoughts after a long day's of work and midnight supper.