because i am derailing, a little bit...

 can someone

explain to me 

just how

i am

 supposed to 

go back

to real life

after having been

painfully exposed

to the existence

of these

glorious

Roshe editions? 

because beautiful things don't ask for attention.

because it is all in His timing.

one of the great things other than the superiorly wonderful thing that is serving God through acting is getting to know many of the church people that i didn't get to know before this. there are so many who stay very deep in the dim light, almost unnoticeable during sunday services. or perhaps i haven't been more observant and acknowledging of the many people around me.


i'm just recollecting on how blessed it is to have not just met but gotten close and developed bonds with a glinter of the people from working and practicing for this musical. people are so wonderful, kind hearted, humble and thoughtful; it really repositions your thoughts about yourself even though you've never really seen yourself as a bad person. if anything, the past four months of working with people three days a week have motivated and definitely inspired me to be a better person in general. because there really shouldn't be a limit as to how far we should or can grow as human beings.


i was sharing about my experiences and joy with some close friends and one of them pointed out that; perhaps some people are just like that. they are that humble, that effervescent, that lovely. i do agree. but when these people, these magnanimously admirable people, credit not themselves, but that it is through their faith in God that God has blessed them in the many ways of their characters and attitudes, that they are the way they are because of the love of Christ, that... moves me.


with the sheer coincidence/timing of God that in the events of what each of us were going through personally in our own lives, i suppose the saying that some people are with us for a season and for a specific time because they are there to help you grow really speaks for itself.

thank you, God.

because i can't pretend.

i understand why people smoke.

i mean, i think it's pretty clear.

the satisfaction that comes with every time one takes a deep puff, the intoxicating sensation one gets from letting the smoke diffuse into the corners of the empty lungs, the fascination of watching their own exhalation. a beautful cloud of grey air. watching it collide with the particles of air and vaporising away. repeat. an unstoppable annihilation. 

the underlying psychological subconscious that comes with it as well.

how the nerves seem to function much less neurotically with every inhale and exhale. how tangled thoughts get straightened out. how one can think much better or more creatively. how it distracts one from their pain, their sadness, their melancholy, their void. the way our favourite films portray our favourite fictional characters. a cigarette is symbolic, something much deeper than the poison it is made of. to smoke is to be poetic. a story. a  cinema in itself. 

perhaps there are more reasons as to why people smoke that i may not know of. perhaps some of these reasons don't apply and perhaps i might anger some smokers. because what and what and who am i to speak, as someone who doesn't smoke? 

i suppose i will never let go of the one memory i had,

when i was with a group of smoking friends,

and one of them directly made me feel,

like i was much less open minded, just because i didn't smoke. 

if i can understand and accept you for your reasons or lack of reasons for smoking, i think it's not necessary for me to imply that just because i don't smoke, that i am not opening myself up to life and trying things. i just simply choose not to do it because i have no reason for it. 

Can't Pretend- Tom Odell

because we don't have to condemn.

"all the girls in the world, he couldn't find one that was not melayu."

i think by melayu, the undisclosed person actually meant Islam.
and the fact that there is always a formed correlation between Melayu and Islam already serves as an error in thinking because the two are in fact, not exactly correlated at all.


this reminds me of a conversation i had earlier in the week with L when i was just randomly talking about a friend in which i had unconsciously, accidentally referred to the Islamic traditions as Malay traditions. and L being L, was one to correct me straight away. that the two are in fact, distinctly separate.


point is,
i always get a little taken aback when the people i know make certain remarks when a person marries an Islam woman/man. that he/she is not going to get to eat pork anymore. NO MORE BACON. no more kai fan or siu yok fan. cannot eat at chinese restaurant d. must sunat. wah sunat man. must pray five times a day. wahlao what a waste. how sad.

in no way was i referencing anyone in particular, just random sayings.

i understand that we all stand by our religious/non religious beliefs very courageously. that the One we believe in is the true saviour of all of mankind, or that His teachings is the ultimate way of life. or if a person does not believe in the existence of God. but to each their religious teachings, is it necessary to condemn those of other religions or those who convert into other religions? how is that a lost on a person's part? shouldn't it be a good thing that the person has found their solace and inner peace with a religion?


i don't understand because i'm happy when i see a loved one finding their happiness and inner peace. it doesn't matter if it doesn't align with my beliefs, because this is not about me, this is about the other person. my religious beliefs don't falter just because i am joyful on the part of someone else's religion and why should it? the same goes the other way. i've noticed and have heard people condemning Christians for many reasons, some of which come from extreme generalization. it makes it more painful when these "smart" comments come from atheists. that there is no solid evidence of Jesus Christ. that the Bible was written by humans, not God. that if God exists, pain and suffering should not exist on this world. that if any of these Gods exist; Allah, Jesus, Brahma Vishnu and Siva, there should not be any pain and suffering in this world. that God is not relevant in today's context!


indefinitely, the basis of these religions encompass a great deal of faith. faith in something we cannot see. but to each their own, we have all had our personal experiences and encounters within the religion, standing by the teachings that have been bestowed upon us, therefore devoting our time, energy, and mind to following the path that we believe is the way of life. heck, it's not even easy to maintain religious and spiritual faith in today's world of mass pop culturalization. so if i can respect you for your belief in the non-existence of a higher power, why won't you respect my faith in the existence of one? 


and since we all hold different ideas of life and the afterlife, why is it necessary to condemn instead of understand?