because sometimes, we gotta move on.

'if you don't like where you are, move on. you are not a tree.'

okay so the quote doesn't align with this tree because this tree is beautiful and who would wanna move on from this tree? but yah

i met up with a really really old friend today for coffee and it was great to meet someone whom has changed but stayed true to their core. because more often than not, people change and the designated roads that we choose are too far from each other, therefore we drift apart. it has been years since i'd seen this friend, let alone spoken to him; it didn't feel like i was meeting a stranger, it just really felt like i was meeting the same person again after a long time of our paths being far from each other. 

the thought that provoked me for today was how some people make unique choices in their lives and how those choices are purely due to their personal experience and their contentment. it's what fulfills them, what makes them happy, what makes them content. they're not just difficult choices, but also (in the sub-paraphrased words of Robert Frost) choices less taken, and more often frowned upon. and how these choices are not the easiest of choices, due to the way people would perceive it and how bonds of friendship can be tested. 

i just really respect people who make hard, less-made choices but they do it anyway because it's what makes them truly happy. because why should we care so much about what other people have to say if it fulfills us inside? still something i am learning with baby steps. 

in fact, it's something i am currently struggling with still. i can't figure out whether i should move on from certain things and certain people because it's not an easy choice. i am terrified of the idea of walking away from familiarity and comfort. hand in hand, i am also terrified of the idea of people walking away from me. that some people are slowly forgetting me. that, or in the comforting words of a good friend; 

"sometimes we are all so engrossed in our own lives & we assume people around us are too, that we fail to realize that our actions might make those around us feel unimportant."

maybe it's just that our designated roads are getting too far apart from each other and it's something i have to live with. and maybe it's just something i have to understand. that our closest ones also have to make difficult, less-taken choices because it's what makes them the happiest. 

because we've come a whole year.

my alarm hit 6:05a.m as usual. my usual routine would be waking up, immediately taking a shower, changing into the outfit i had mentally prepared for myself from the day before, prepare breakfast, and drive to work with ten minutes to spare for my 7:00a.m shift. but today didn't fall into a usual routine.

the weight of skin under my eyes were so heavy, 

sealing my eyes tight like glue. 

i decided that i would skip work. i was too tired, too weak, and most unfortunately, too sad. i had spent the night before in a cycle of overthinking and in an overwhelming time of tears. imagine it in the way Florence sings "i think i'm breaking down again", but less poignantly beautiful. i've had nights like that before but i've always been able to push myself to go to work. that's how i am and how i've always made myself to be; i am pusher and i don't give myself time when i fall. no time to wallow because i don't believe in wallowing. 

and yet here i am.

five hours later, eyes still swollen, typing on this keyboard that every once in a while, serves me justice in propagating my scrambled thoughts.

i've come to think of this year in a whole.

what it has done for me, what i have done with it, and how it has ultimately come to be in my own personal experience.

sadly pun unintended, as much as i try to inject this year with positivity and optimism,

i believe this year has been more of a down for me than an up. it is more evident when i am ending this year with a sad note and that most of the stronger memories i can remember this year are leaning more towards moments of sadness, most of it alone, some of it on the phone with certain people. it's simply something i cannot avoid. 

i suppose i am wallowing in how i need to come into terms with this.

that there will always be a part of me that is irreversibly broken, that there are some things in which i have predicted would happen that are unfortunately happening in this moment and i can do nothing but look at it like an unrelated bystander, that people come and go no matter how much you both love each other, that love can change in intensity and meaning, that life happens and you can just watch it go. 

Help Me Lose My Mind- Disclosure ft London Grammar