mouthful of diamonds, pocketful of secrets

because stars are equally as important.

2012-02-03T12:45:00.000+08:00

This is the first account, the first narrative. There was neither man, nor animal, birds, fishes, crabs, trees, stones, caves, ravines, grasses, nor forests; there was only the sky.
The surface of the earth has not appeared. There was only the calm sea and the great expanse of the sky.
There was was nothing brought together, nothing which could make noise, nor anything which might move, or tremble, or could make noise in the sky.
There was nothing standing, only the calm water, the placid sea, alone and tranquil. Nothing existed.

- excerpts from the Popol Vuh, Guatamala

Despite a topsy turvy week of physical, emotional and sound pollution resulting from overeating during Chinese New Year, crying over various matters that are of the heart, and painfully having to bear with the extensive fireworks to welcome in the Hokkien New Year, I have been having a marvelous time in my new college, which is the HELP College of Arts and Technology in Frasers Business Park.

I decided that I needed to change course because of the electives that were offered here, one of them being Journalism, something that I always wanted to try. the other electives that i'm taking are World Literature, Personality Psychology which drives me mental, literally and Humanities.

while i was in the U.K, i had come to learn about this interesting subject of study known as Humanities. well... not completely, as i only had a rough idea of what it was. it is basically the coverage of literature, history, culture, philosophy, and religion, all into one subject. or in other words, killing 347 damn birds with a pebble.

and typically, with such a dense subject,
it requires a teacher/educator of extreme knowledge in this tricky field.
to that, I have no complaints because my Humanities lecturer is one of, if not THE best person who fills the role. the fact that he's only 24 and is about to have a phD in World History/Philosophy and aiming to start his degree in Chinese Literature is beyond mind boggling. WHAT IS MIND BOGGLING

in relevance to the excerpt that I have written far above, in class today, I learnt about a few creation myths a.k.a stories of how the world and earth was created. similar like the excerpt that I copied to here, I realized that the several poems and creation myths/stories mainly imply the presence of earth, water, and fire. because logically, those are the key elements of creation. but of course, there are side focuses like the sky, as mentioned so profusely in the first portion of the Popol Vul.

what about the stars? why is it that the sky is brought into mention so many times, not just in this particular piece, but in several of the pieces I read today, and not the stars? don't the stars fill up the sky as well? and wouldn't they be unmistakably recognized by the human eye during the early times, what with the evident void of Sun? or did they just ignore those little bulbs of atmospheric light?

stars are underrated. even dating back to the olden days.
and they will always be.

with this, I end up my tacky insight on the premonition of the stars and their unlikely existence.

2012-01-24T03:05:00.002+08:00

because i'm still, i'm still, an animal.

2012-01-14T03:45:00.003+08:00

3:00 a.m.

i find myself doing absolutely nothing lately due to the immense amount of free time i have. classes only three days a week, two days of which only start at 2p.m. surely i'd be begging for mercy when aaaaall them assignments start pouring in but i'm the type of person who's better busy than bored. after all, an idle man is indeed a devil's workshop.

i've been thinking about applying for a part time job, anywhere really. *cough* Subway *cough*
again and again, i find myself always stuck between thinking and doing. i think about it for a moment or two, and i mean reeeally think hard about it. pergh, brain macam Einstein only as i devise my action plan. look for a decent f&b restaurant, go to the restaurant, ask for vacancy, take down their number. and in the enthusiasm of planning, i forget to actually invest energy and motivation into carrying out the plan. a.k.a being a typical Malaysian, i suppose.

it's been fourteen days into this wonderful new year.
and i feel as if i haven't accomplished... much.

MUST. START. DOING. THINGS.

i found myself going through several old videos, dating back to nearly two years ago.

so much, indefinitely and unbelievably so much has changed since. i don't even remember my state of being in those videos, but i certainly remember what i felt. i was such a different person. perhaps more fragile, surely less wise and a lot thinner and prettier shut up on this one i didn't ask for your opinion bro. with exception to the last two, i know that's what everybody's younger version is like. not unless your Benjamin Button.

we're always believing that we have achieved a certain level of maturity or growth as time pass.
thinking that we've finally figured things out, learnt the most we can about things like love and friendship, hurt the most a human could possibly handle; we always think we're done with a certain chapter of our lives and ready to head on to the next. truth is, those chapters never really end, do they? sure, we've reached the end of that page, heart and body completely filled with the bittersweet essence of quick nostalgia. like flowerless trees do after the winter, we move on. life continues. but i believe that those chapters never really end.

because they're always there.
they're just enclosed in a resplendently viscid pool of memories somewhere, somewhere near yet far. so tragic, and so beautiful. untouchable. but always reachable.

and like you, you will always be there.

all the letters of young promises, the scars of faded kisses, the layers that we both saw right through.

a fine string of multiple complications that led me to where you & I are at now.

you are sorry. and i am sorry.

but life continues.

i will always love you. and i know you will too.

Animal- Sky Ferreira

2012-01-07T11:46:00.000+08:00

for you, dad.

because it was done.

2011-12-28T00:51:00.003+08:00

2011-12-24T10:31:00.002+08:00

'i know you're thinking that it's going to happen again. i promise you, it won't.'

2011-12-16T13:13:00.000+08:00

there i was.
pacing slowly in the comfort of my own solitude with my hands tucked into the pockets of my shorts. inhaling the petrichor, staring blankly into the sky and being marveled by it as always. it had been a while since i had a walk to myself, not because i forgot the beauty of silence and being one with my own mind without distractions. or because i've been blessed with special company lately. i just haven't had the time, i suppose.

i walked right past a young man who was walking in the opposite direction as me.
he too, was alone.

it made me wonder if he'd felt equally as comfortable with his state of reclusiveness the way i did. and if he wasn't, whether he wondered if i'd felt equally as lonely as he did. and if he was, whether he believed in the idea that people can understand each other without knowing each other the way i did. that there lies an invisible string that attaches all our souls together. simply because we are human.

or maybe all he was thinking about was going home to eat his dinner.

Sides- Justin Vernon

2011-12-06T12:55:00.000+08:00

I keep on thinking on the resplendence that would be if the sky that sheath us were a conflation of emeralds and diamonds of aurulent, celadon, topaz, mazarine and viridian. and our lands had more grass and soil instead of mundane tar and street lights and geometrical buildings. and music filled the earth, soaking into the brown soil like rain drops that fall every now and then. and people would be dressed in clothes as they wished, dancing around barefoot as their heads permeate with constant evanescence of sound and tranquility. what a wonderful world that would be.

I believe a time like that had existed before this.

I do.

Hideaway- Karen O and the Kids

because happiness hit me like a train on a track.

2011-12-02T00:56:00.000+08:00

today more like yesterday since it's already past midnight marks the final assignment submission in my first semester and first year of Psychology. i mean srsly la, if people think buku skrap projects in secondary were a pain, imagine reading through countless multi-paged, English-terlalu-powderful science journals and citing them in the most particularly specific format that ever existed. k maybe i'm exaggerating the difficulty of Psychology assignments but this is my blog and i shall write as thee wishes.

and speaking of my current happenings as a Psychology student, i don't think i mentioned here yet that I will actually be changing course starting next month in a somewhat new college. no, there is no hint of sarcasm in that.

of that, i will write another day.

as for today,
the first day of the last month of the year,

i'd stumbled across a new found joy;

gift/present shopping for people.

being the average kiasu who remembers every living soul that owes me money, it's obvious that i like to simpan duit. and thus, the assumption that i would loathe spending even the smallest dime on buying presents for other people is accurate. funnily, i actually enjoy shopping for presents. the mildly heightened anxiousness of deciding whether to buy the fuchsia sweater or the white striped tank top, the scanning of the most suitable gift for that special friend, the calling and texting of other friends to ask for opinions and feedback. call me a simple girl to please, but the entire process just makes me happy!

'you should consider being a hired personal shopper'

-le mom

despite the crap of being stuck in jam for approximately three hours with a hungry stomach after dance practice, today was actually not bad lah. i've been having a string of good days and i should be thankful. i am thankful.

on a more personal note...

i find myself feeling a feeling that i had not felt in quite a long time.
LOL try saying that five times fast (Weasley, 2005)

i'm very particular about my feelings, so particular that i tend to analyze it over a long period of time again and again. i need to know why i feel a certain way, and if there are external factors to its presence, are the factors plausible? does this feeling have solid ground? will this feeling last? a constant contemplation on what is reverie and what is reality.

perhaps i'd mastered a little bit the skill of not letting my infamous habit of thinking too much overpower my state of mind. but in all honesty, this is a matter of the heart and matters of the heart cannot be pushed aside.

dear Father,

could he be the one?

Australia- The Shins

because i'm thankful.

2011-11-25T02:19:00.005+08:00

unless you follow/lifelessly stalk oh come on; you know you're part of he latter my Twitter and/or Tumblr, you wouldn't have seen these unshameful self shots of yours truly. then again, i realize that this dusty ol' blog of mine has been lacking colour and imagery and more so filled with ramblings and texts and things that happen to be in my mind at 2a.m., like this very instant. so hey hey, how bout some pictures of me in sarees for a change?

as of right now, it's some minutes past noon in the U.S and it's Thanksgiving today!

k not like any of us here celebrates & the first thing that comes to my mind when i mention Thanksgiving is Joey wearing his loose trousers and Monica dancing with the turkey on her head BUT STILL

I figured that I'd write out several things that I'm thankful and grateful for, just because. I mean, nothing is better than forgetting about your daily pains and burdens and counting your blessings, ay?

JuYi's Reasons To Be Thankful, November 2011

#1 that Sri Rampai has a pasar malam.
people who are not pasar malam-goers do not understand the gravity of importance of this once-a-week procession that causes the most annoying jams and leaves the roads piled in heaps of rubbish. it's somewhat like a tradition, you know? the pasar malam in my area has been a part of me and most of my friends' lives since I was 11 and from that, most of the Thursdays of my life have etched memories in them. memories of which i can still recall and treasure dearly.

so yes.
i'm thankful that I got to go to pasar malam again today after its long-dreaded absence for about two months. i'm happy that I got to eat Uncle Bob's fried chicken, a slice of chocolate cake, an apam balik, a honey-glazed mayonnaise sausage and the best strawberry and green apple flavoured popcorn I'd ever tried.

#2 friends who are still around.
of course, I can't go to pasar malam alone well actually I can without sharing them food with someone, can I? to sum it up, i'm just thankful that I have a great set of friends who are thankfully, still my friends after all these years of intertwined miscommunications and vendettas that could've ripped us apart.

#3 friends like Nicole!
Nicole Ann Lim Jin-Ni is one of the greatest people I'd had the pleasure to know and I love her. cheese alert: it gives me honour to call her one of my best friends. i tend to feel like i take her for granted because she always gives her work 300% while i struggle to fork out an 80%. i'm just glad that we were both partners for one of our assignments and we managed to complete it a day before the due date and without any form of conflict.

#4 friends who are getting better.
for the two Ms in my life;
i know you both are still struggling to wake up to this new fact that you have to tell yourself every day. perhaps i don't know what it feels like. but i want you to know that it gets better and it really will be, okay. trust me. just keep fighting the currents of negativity and push yourself over the water surface. the tides will reside. trust me.

#5 opportunities.
lately, I'd been called to replace a few of my friends as dance instructors at their designated dance classes. I never saw myself as good in the first place so the fact that I am trusted with such responsibility even if it is just teaching a bunch of hyperactive kids just... GAH, I JUST FEEL SO NAISE <3 of course, no one's forgetting the pay that i get as well.

#6 happy days.
they say the strongest people fall the hardest.

i'd been heavily down in the past weeks for human reasons that most humans wouldn't understand anyway. i was facing a lot of emotional turmoils that really wore me out and took a toll on my daily responsibilities. then one day, I woke up with a resurgence of energy and spirit. I just felt... free again. renewed, refreshed and rebound. and in my head, the words panned out like the entree to a black and white movie;

you are greater.

He is greater.

we all have moments when we feel that life is simply not worth living; that all the pain and complications it brings is just not worth the effort and time. i know i did. and i know that is of utmost difficulty to pick yourself up off the ground, with or without a helping hand. it's shit hard. but once you see past your mountains of troubles, you'll see that light. and that light will guide you. and you will be greater than you ever thought you were capable of being.

forget seizing the day.

seize eternity.

Hysterics- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2011-11-06T21:36:00.001+08:00

one of my sister's friends is sitting on the couch of my living room and from what my sister has told me, she's been crying about her ex who broke up with her five months ago.

right now, all i'm hearing is;

'but he is the best for me',
'i don't know what to do already',
'i don't think i can find anyone else' and it goes on and on and on....

what i really want to do, other than creep up to my bedroom to watch The Tracey Fragments, is to slap her so hard.

ughh, wake up, you beautiful human being!

your beauty on the inside reflects your beauty on the outside and that is RARE today, okay? if a guy decides to give up on your relationship because of the petty reason that your parents don't approve of him, then he would NOT stay for when bigger tides sweep in. and if his feelings for you can fade away from giving up on your relationship for a reason like that, then that is NOT called love.

in fact, love? what is that, really?

Chinese- Lily Allen

because we're all Jennifers.

2011-11-03T20:20:00.003+08:00

i think everyone's pretty accustomed with my never-ending ramblings of how i'm never happy with the way I am. yes, i'm one of those girls who complains about having big hips, and yet, stuffs fried chicken into her face while complaining about it. i don't see myself the way others see me, i just see a really distorted image in the mirror and sometimes, i wish i had been born as Melanie Iglesias instead. actually no, i'd rather be Minka Kelly.

oh lovely lovely Minka.....

well MY POINT IS,

i think it's very hard to tolerate people like me. yes, i am in self-criticizing mode. but seriously, i am. with what is said about me, i know that i'm very lucky to be blessed with height, good hair and an alright face. but thing is, i always feel more like Courtney Cox than Jennifer Aniston most of the time. it's because I know that I have friends who will always be more attractive, more beautiful, more funny and more outstanding to me. so i end up feeling very... in-the-background. no, it won't take a total toll on my self-esteem but it does make me feel like i'm just not good enough.

then again, i know people who feel more like Courtney Cox and look at me like i'm Jennifer Aniston very inaccurate comparison, i know. shameless self-appraisal alert: i know that i have friends who see me as the friend who always out stands everybody else, the friend who gets the most attention in the group and perhaps, the more attractive friend in the bunch. the smart friend, the funny friend...

PLEASE note that this is not what I think of myself ah.

i'm just putting down random mentionings into black and white.

if you think otherwise, don't hesitate to trash me. se-to the-rious.

hell i'm not even that funny to begin with. lets not even go into the IQ dept

and then i too, know how it takes a toll on their self-esteem. you think i don't know? i know how it makes you feel. because believe it or not, I feel it too. you know why? coz every Jennifer Aniston always has an Angelina Jolie around.

no matter how unhappy we are when we compare ourselves with people we know, we need to remember that they don't always feel like they're the best in the league. there's always going to be someone better looking, someone who's got cooler and funnier stories, some MENSA kid waiting to prove that your friend's perhaps not that smart after all; there's always gonna be an Angelina Jolie who will make Jennifer Aniston feel like her blue-jewel eyes and bronze-and-toned body is nothing compared to the ethereal beauty of the woman who stole her husband.

sorry ah, I GO DOWN WITH TEAM ANISTON FOREVAHHH~

so maybe we just need to... i don't know, accept ourselves more.

because there's no one else who's going to be our versions of us anyway.

Paradise- Coldplay

2011-11-01T23:58:00.001+08:00

remember that time when I was so sure that I would be doing journalism as my career?

because this is a place where I don't feel alone

2011-10-19T11:01:00.001+08:00

21st January, 2011

out in the garden where we planted the seeds

there's a tree as old as me...

I stare outside the ridget, unstable train.
I look at red-roofed houses and plain fields, a shade of greenish grey.
the sky has had a long day; its body cold & sweaty with light drizzle.

I could've went back to college to take the LRT.
but i decided to take the monorail home.

I think I just want more time away.
away from people, away from everything that usually surrounds me.

running; I cannot express how much it saves me.
because when I run, it feels like nothing in the world can hold me back. I can let go of all the things that weigh me down. they fade away with the winds that try to defeat me. they just go away.

the same way I stare into the clouds.
as The Cinematic Orchestra provides the music for that plays in the solitary background of the messy thoughts in my head, everything falls into place & everything feels alright. they transform into wisps of imaginary puzzle pieces fitting perfectly into the quiet gaps of the faded white clouds, the somber tint of orange in the sky, in the wise trees that seem to watch me from afar, almost as if they know me, & they notice me.

& maybe they do.
maybe I'm just like one of those girls to them; one of those people who can relate to them & notice their lengthy barks, twigs, branches and yellow leaves.

there is a tree as old as me.

Xanax- Maria Taylor

just because.

2011-10-07T23:27:00.000+08:00

"there are two ways to look at life.

actually, that's not accurate. I suppose there are thousands of ways to look at life. But I tend to dwell on two of them. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.

There are many mornings when I feel certain that the first perspective is irrefutably true; I wake up, I feel the inescapable oppression of the sunlight pouring through my bedroom window, and I am struck by the fact that I am alone. and that everyone is alone. and that everything I understood seven hours ago has already changed, and that I have to learn everything again.

I guess I am not a morning person after all.

However, that feeling always passes. In fact, it's usually completely gone before lunch. Every new minute of every new day seems to vaguely improve. & I suspect that's because the alternative view- that everything is ultimately like something else and that nothing and no one is autonomous- is probably the greater truth. The math does check out; the numbers do add up. The connections might not be hard-wired into the superstructure of the universe, but it feels like they are whenever I put money into a jukebox and everybody in the bar suddenly seems to be having the same conversation.

and in that last moment before I fall asleep every night, I understand Everything. The world is one interlocked machine, throbbing and pulsing a flawless organism.

This is why I always hate falling asleep."

Leaving Blues- Bombay Bicycle Club

because it's possible.

2011-09-28T00:35:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry but can a girl not be happy single and reading a book to herself?

because we could have been.

2011-09-19T12:29:00.003+08:00

the figure I saw was alot taller.
he was wearing a dark blue silk batik shirt with matching black trousers.
I wasn't sure if it was you. it sure hell did look alot like you.

and then i saw your face.

it was you.

i don't remember you being so tall but you were. and you easily lifted me off the ground. i still couldn't believe it was you as I held you tight in embrace, letting my mind and body slowly accept at it's pace that it was in fact the man of my life that has been missing the past three years.

tears ran down my face as if they were racing for the ground.

'where have you been all this time?', i asked.

your face. you looked happy, healthy and well. i don't remember if there were wrinkles or frown lines but you did look free. like you didn't have concerns for the world or the people who used to weigh you down. such a carefree solitude you exuded. you marveled me, just the way elegant and poised characters in books did.

a solid conversation never really formed. you were quiet most of the time while I did all the questioning and bickering. which was indeed rare because it used to be the other way around. in my mind, I knew then we were both changed people. and after three years of me growing up when you went missing, I felt all the discreet elements of meager surprise and distinct nostalgia to what might have been and what could be in our next exchange of words and glances.

we were then walking to what seemed like where I was staying.
i asked you more and more questions of your disappearance and how and why you did; you merely stated that it was private and confidential. a pierce of intangible certainty went right through me. I nodded to your minimalistic reply, still aimlessly lingering in the labyrinth of wondering who this new person was and accepting you as a whole.

I wondered how much of your life I have missed in the last three years, just as how you missed my graduation from high school, my first driving class, my first day into college, my first day of prom and all the days in which i wished you were nearby.

why must it be so difficult?

we found each other. that's all that matters.

there was a few portions of laughter and smiles; a little bit of familiarity seeping into the empty spaces that set themselves between us. slowly enough, everything would go back to normal. life could pick up again from where it was last left off. it was going to be great. it was going to be like old times again. we were going to be the father and daughter we used to be.

and then i woke up.

you were never there to see my graduate, nor were you there to see me fumble on my first day of driving class, to see me make my first steps into tertiary education, to tell me that i looked beautiful as i put on that prom dress, to tell me that you love me whenever i felt like i needed to know that i was loved.

i woke up.
and to this, i need to wake up over and over again.

Genius Next Door- Regina Spektor

because I must be merciful.

2011-09-10T02:36:00.002+08:00

5. Think of someone who has hurt you. How will you treat that person with love?

know why I love you, God?

because You cannot be more direct. thanks ah

I'm a pretty tough person to convince when it comes to matters of the heart and soul because I'm the type of person who needs to see what she believes and invests her faith in. I believe heavily in coincidence, and how things can happen simply because in our world, trillions of wonderful and terrible and intricately small things are happening; from the forming of morning mist on leaves and the discreet ticking of a mine bomb set somewhere in a crying country. Or in the words of 500 Days of Summer, you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. that's all anything ever is.

well, not all.

as you have read from my previous post or didn't, I had a shit morning. and I was furious beyond measure. just a few hours ago, I learnt that the one thing that is not coincidental in my life is the way my God seeps His way into my everyday activities like a complete troll and slaps me in the face. well, it feels more like a nice water splash than slap but in this case, it was a slap.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect a repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend them without expecting to get anything back. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
- Luke 7:32-36

'The important thing is not that we are vindicated before our enemies but that we become more like God in our character. This is the greatest reward anyone can receive, far greater than riches, food, laughter, or popularity. Those things will one day vanish, but character will last for eternity.'

on a completely separate note,

I will tame myself to be more merciful for paintball tomorrow.

SO FRIGGIN READY BRO

A Postcard to Nina- Jens Lekman

because this is an anger post. don't read if you're faint-hearted.

2011-09-09T10:57:00.002+08:00

hello.

it is 10:30 in the morning and I had just took the cab home from the LRT when actually, my brother was supposed to fetch me as planned yesterday and a half hour ago when I called kakak to wake him up. oh he woke up. but he told kakak to tell me to find my own way home and went back to sleep. see, kakak doesn't have my number. hence, I actually spent a half hour waiting at the LRT because in my mind and everyone's discerning mind, he was supposed to pick me up.

and then here comes the even more illogical argument that occurred yesterday when he stated clearly that I am (quote)not to drive the car past midnight(endquote). I had a ladies night planned for yesterday for quite some time already so I made him a deal; I'll take the car to my friend's place, she will drive the lot of us to and back from the club, sleepover and I drive home the next early morning because I have an event to attend in approximately half an hour from now. so technically, I'm not even driving past midnight. I stick by his rule.

but what does he say?

(quote)How bout I drop you off at your friend's place and you come back by LRT tomorrow and I'll pick you up from the station(endquote).

you know what's the best part?
I cannot tell this to anyone in my family because a)my mother would either a. i)not care or ii)take it seriously and blow up in his face when she gets back from China which will result in a one-sided cold war between me and the brother, b.i)my sister would say gorgor would never do that to me. maybe it's just you and b.ii)go on and on with her wipe ass stories of how she and the brother bonded over the time period of which I was in England and further reinstate that gorgor would never do that to me. maybe it's just you.

gee.

THANKS FOR THE RELEVANT INPUT.

I am restricting myself from writing out all the foul words and sentences that have been forming in my head since when I took the cab home. if you know me well enough and actually have some sort of common sense to tell, my anger is not because I had to take out money to take public transport home; it's because my family revolves around a whole lot of illogical and ludicrous things.

not all.
just a whole damn lot.

so you who are reading this.

firstly, I don't even know why the hell you're reading this. do you have nothing else better to do than to read gibberish about a rant? I suggest you leave this page and go do something beneficial like read or watch a movie. i clearly stated this is an anger post.

secondly, whatever perception or idea you've had of me as the girl I've always been, you decide whether or not I am blowing things out of proportion + being a pointless tantrum. or even as a terrible sister for airing my dirty laundry to the cyber world. at this point of tolerance, I seriously cannot care. and after so long of caring, I am allowing myself to not care.

my anger subsided when the taxi driver, like 390% of all the taxi drivers that I have spoken to, asked me if I was Melayu ke Cina? because of my fluency in Bahasa. with a slip of tongue, I said I was Malay.

because if circumstances could be different,

2011-09-05T22:13:00.003+08:00

I'd be out and about in my Burberry trench coat strutting in my shiny Louboutin pumps, sipping on Starbucks everyday as i flick through Vogue and Cosmopolitan and making appointments with socialites and rich stuck ups and people of the same kind.

but no.

when I was born, I had no silver spoon in my mouth, only a pacifier.

never had I been able to afford anything with a luxurious price tag. not that I want to anyway, just the sound of my opening sentence seemed better with all those fancy schmancy brands thrown in.

I was watching Heath Ledger's memorial tribute on tv a couple hours ago for the 27th time, really and I cried when the people in the interview couldn't stop talking about what an amazing person he was and how his daughter, Matilda, would be missing out on the amazing father than he had been.

it kills me, really.

to see unfortunate things happen to good people.

i mean it really kills me.

nothing worries me more than seeing the people I love go through tormenting episodes of emotional pain and anguish. it makes me wish i could do something other than just listen, you know? like being there isn't enough. because after my own emotional downfall of when my dad left me three years ago, I have forced myself to remember to treasure time like they're prickly specks of glass shattered and blown all over with the wind; you catch them, grasping them like they're sparkling shards of diamonds before they fall to the ground and blend in with the earth, where you'd no longer be able to differentiate them from dirt and dust.

and yet,

I often feel like there's not enough time.

there are times when I'm just too tired with my own burdens to reach out a helping hand, hence feeling very selfish and unthoughtful. times when I myself have my own emotional downfalls but yet have to pick myself back up without rebuilding the crumbled walls because I see someone reaching the edge of their despair and I run to them. I just run.

I feel stretched in all kinds of directions.

like some sort of Play-dough piece in physical abuse.

if circumstances could be different,

I wish there were multiple versions of me.

so I can drive right now to your house and hug you and tell you to snap out of all this negativity you built around you, so I can go to your place to watch a movie with you so you don't have to watch it alone, so I can have dinner with you before you start of your degree in a different college, so I can stay behind for that group meeting that I always miss, so I can slap you in the face to wake you up to the reality that your biggest problem is you, so I can have cupcakes with you and thank you for being my best friend, so I can write that damn essay that i haven't been able to write because i've been sick, so I would have been able to write that essay because there would've been Healthy JuYi, so I can tell you again and again that only someone really deserving of you is worth your every attention, so I can let you know that you're never alone despite how lonesome it feels all the time.

so I can do alot more things at a go.

and not risk the chances of you, and you, and you falling.

Hello I'm In Delaware- City and Colour

because po-tay-to is still po-tah-to.

2011-08-24T03:45:00.000+08:00

'I don't use make up. I think it's pretentious to use it; only girls who are insecure use make up because they're not happy with how they look naturally.'

well hello there.
it's 2 in the morning and I am up with a cup of tea and good ol' indie rock music.

as I stare at my newly polished nails, I cannot help but spiral my unsleeping mind around the loosely quoted phrase above. shameless confession: I used to believe that; that natural beauty always wins. that only the insecure of the ultimate insecures would give in to the Godly creation known as make up. that i don't need make up. that i don't believe in make up.

now let's go to why i say used to.

i recapture a brief but unforgettable moment in random history when one of my good friends was questioned why she had make up applied. she always has some sort of make up on; a meek brush of eye shadow, a tint of lip gloss. i won't lie; i did stereotype her when we first got to know each other for the mere fact that she had coloured powder on her face. and the question that was directed to her sounded a little bit like:

'hey, are you wearing makeup?'

note that the word makeup was said in a higher pitch, thus, signalling a thought of disbelief and slight shock. and probably even the thought that make up is as ridiculous as eating vegetables.

her answer changed my narrow-minded viewpoints towards the idea of additional beautification as well as towards her. it goes somewhere along the lines of:

'yes i'm wearing make up. why? do you have a problem with girls who wear make up? i wear it because i like it, not because i'm trying to impress anybody. i'm wearing it for myself. plus, i think it's fun that i get to play around with colours. what's wrong with having fun and looking good? what is wrong with me wearing make up?'

firstly, she answered his condescending question with pure confidence. not the slightest slip of tongue nor stutter. in the back of my mind, i was giving her a round of applause like fuuihh. i have heard of strong replies to OMG-MAKE-UP-AH type questions but none that went to the extent of hers.

secondly,
it went to show that she was not the least bit insecure of herself. she was comfortable enough in her own skin to respond so fearlessly. she wasn't hiding behind the make up, in fact, it had nothing to do with what she had on her face. most people i know, including myself tend to shrug a little when directed a why-make-up? question. because 1)you can ask me bout stupid things like the weather and best place for milo ais but you choose to ask a blatantly irrelevant question? really? and 2)most of us feel like our intentions are being tested when asked the reason behind the appliance of some red blusher.

like it's some deadly sin to wear make up or something.

in my considerably-new opinion,
i think it's perfectly fine if you are a girl and you prefer to come off au naturale. hay hay, all hail fresh and clear skin man!

the problem is when you condemn those who don't. at the end of the day, if you choose to stick to the idea that you don't like additional beautification, then girls who apply make up have every right to like it. just because you think it's highly intellectual of yourself to say no to make up, it doesn't mean that girls who do are hollow or insecure.

sometimes they just like putting on make up.

yes, the answer could REALLY be that simple.

of course, your intentions of using make up is within question. if it's for the reason of wanting to look good to hook up some good looking fella, then sorry ah, i have no back up for that. worse if it's because you think you look like shit without make up. not only do i not have back up for that; i'd personally get to you and give you a one-on-one talk and then probably even slap you.

whether or not a girl puts on make up,

it all comes down to the most important thing:

self confidence.

not all girls who use make up have terrible self esteem. not all girls who don't use make up see themselves as the next Amber Chia. what we put or don't put on our face does not dictate what we are like on the inside; not our personalities, our characters or even our qualities. and it shouldn't be assumed that way. at the end of the day, if you strip off the make up, we're all just girls, only with different preferences and different ideas of self presentation.

no wrong or right, bro.

You Make My Dreams- Hall & Oates

because we're always chasing for the sun.

2011-07-31T06:47:00.006+08:00

7:45p.m.

the buff tiles that cover the tiny marble stones outside in the backyard were colder than usual as my feet turned a pale white. it's been close to six weeks since my stay here in England and I still have not adjusted to the cooler weather here. maybe some things just don't change. like my habit of wearing nothing but pyjamas when i'm indoors, even when i'm in a country with relatively low temperature. nope, no change.

as i unpegged my washed clothes to bring them in,
aunty B calls out to me.

'wanna catch the sunset this time, JuYi!?'

i ran inside, grabbed my camera, put on my hoodie and flipflops and the both of us dashed out for the car. thing is, aunt B and I missed the sunset yesterday, and the sun was incredibly large and enormously breathtaking. we weren't expecting the same big sun today; we just wanted to be in time to see it go down. bear in mind, still in pyjamas.

and if there's one more thing that i love here besides seeing roses everywhere i walk, eating croissant, sipping tea, and watch good looking people be good looking, it is the person who was more eager to catch the sunset than me; i call her aunty B because that's what she ends her texts and emails with.

mom's got alot of old friends here since her nursing days here when she was nineteen. besides travelling and seeing all that England has to offer, i've been hopping from house to house, feasting on barbecue gatherings and enjoying lovely camaraderie. only yesterday, I was at aunt Sharifah's house for lunch and the great lot of us stuffed our faces silly with nasi lemak + rendang, sang out loud to the BeeGees and did some Wii dancing to Iggy Pop.

back to the sun hunt.

there we were.
two separate individuals, talking about life's everyday simplicities like leaves changing colour and jungle trekking in the forests. i always feel at most comfortable around aunt B because i don't feel the need to talk to her the way any teenager would respectively talk to an adult; always holding back from coming across as rude, foulmouthed, conceited, narcissistic or uneducated, even if we actually are. with her, i have no front, no barriers. the woman herself does not act like an elderly; she has an even younger heart than I do, come to think of it. and she doesn't even try or pretend to be because that's just how she is. so yeah it's pretty nice.

we drove slowly past the seafront, watching the late evening come alive in the form of young couples coming out for a hand-in-hand walk by the beach, families taking their kids out to eat fish and chips, older couples eating ice cream and watching the tide go. the theme park was full of people and the noise of girls screaming as the roller coaster dipped 90 degrees gave me goosebumps.

i stared straight out of the car window.
i took a deep breath.

seagulls were flying amok; blackbirds and pigeons floating around like free beings. lighthouses and ships a many were in a far distance; the smell of the salty ocean filled every empty fiber in my lungs, followed by the tempting whiff of burgers, fries and hot doughnuts. i would've gotten down the car to get me some, had it not been for the home-cooked lasagna that i had devoured completely minutes ago for dinner.

and so, the sun sets.
the sky retains a diminishing atomic tangerine and carolina blue as we drove back home.

go on and think of me as biased when i say this,
but you don't have to be far or some place else to feel...
infinite.

after all, when the sun sets here,

it rises up there.

High Times- Landon Pigg ft Turbo Fruits

2011-07-27T07:53:00.000+08:00

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?

there's a reason why I don't blame or find a reason to blame people who walk away. I mean, I used to, you know. when I got dumped by my first boyfriend who then got with my best friend three days later, hell I WAS PISSED. i was twelve and it was monkey love but no one said that the sting from relationships can only be felt after you passed a certain age border. nope; life does not wait for you to grow up to feel, it comes out of the blue, like a sudden sweep of cold wind that catches you unexpectedly.

relationships are the definition of sugar, spice and everything that's not nice.
yes, we all know that relationships are messy and feelings get hurt (Summer, n.d.)
but i think there is not enough emphasis on the mess that is created in the process of getting into a relationship itself.

there is all that jitterbug excitement from having that special connection with that particular someone who seems to share certain weird uncommon, if you must traits with you. like obsessing over the same band, preferring tortoises to cats and dogs, and OCDly eating sushi three times a week. the other person seems to be placing the same bet as you, or worse, you think the other person is placing the same amount of emotion-filled chips as you are on the table.

then there's all that unconsciously built-up expectations.

you can tell yourself to be cool and go with the flow, but who are we kidding here really.

you do all things that require anticipation and waiting; you anticipate/wait for a call back, you anticipate/wait for a reply from your silly 'hey, what are you doing now?' message, you anticipate/wait for that person to look your way after you stalk from the corner of your eye.. it's a whole big bucket of anticipating and waiting, with fries on the side.

sure. if you're lucky, you guys get together and be all lovey dovey, changing your Facebook statuses and going all baby baby baby ooooo~ on each other's pages. yeah but what if you're not?

are you going to start bitching about how that person is a complete ass for just being a complete ass?
you gonna tell your friends about how he/she was just a waste of your time?
are you going to blame that person for giving you hope?
you gonna scrutinize him/her?
you gonna scrutinize yourself?

there's so much risk when it comes to getting into a relationship because you are laying down your cards on the table. you are exposing to another person your vulnerability and weaknesses, opening up a tiny window into the place that lies beneath you in which its contents you're not even sure of. so when you bravely let that person in and they take a looksee and they don't like, don't feel or is just not interested in what they see, are you gonna be mad at them not staying?

the before-relationship stage doesn't have to be hurtful if you think about it with a clear mind.

if you are not someone's cup of tea, it doesn't mean you're not worth it.

maybe some people just don't like their tea with too much sugar or without skimmed milk.

that, or some people are just complete asses. never you. never you.

and if you can find it in you to understand that it is okay when people walk away, there will be a day when you too have to unknowingly or knowingly walk away from someone important and realize that people are always shifting places, leaving familiar faces and bidding goodbyes.

to a more personal note,

you are an ass.

but go ahead and walk away because it's okay.

Rosie & Me- Darkest Horse

2011-07-22T08:24:00.000+08:00

1st July, 2011

it's a few minutes to two, I'm assuming.

my packed lunch box sits half empty to my right, blackbirds and pigeons squatted all across this fresh green grass that I sit quietly on without budging as I write, the lovely sounds of water lapping from the fountain a few meters ahead of me. the human chatter all around me spreads a smile across my face. couples, families having picnics, people reading and sketching portraits, some just staring emptily away into the hidden beauty that lies beneath the architecture of age that is the Victoria & Albert's Museum.

the building boasts of magnificence. maroon brick walls that seem endless as they go up, decorated with historical portraits of Queen Victoria herself, complete with commemorated etchings carved all around the sturdy pillars, fading grey statues stagnant atop the buildings and along window panels; all looking like they had lived far many years and seen far much more than my single life would allow me.

birds continue flocking down to the moist grass that I'm sitting on. people are taking off their shoes, dipping them into the gleaming water.

here I am, a beautiful day in London, and I am already so captivated from just sitting in the concealed garden of one of the world's greatest museums of art and design; a museum that I've dreamed of visiting for a long time.

I shall continue my walk inside the museum now.
until then.

because i am here.

2011-06-18T12:19:00.001+08:00

my 900th post is configured from a lovely little home, somewhere in Belfairs Drive, London. how dainty.
you call it coincidence,
i call it destiny. che waaahh~

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i was unknowingly awoken by the soft sound of chirping birds outside the framed window above my head. still a gloomy dark cloud, the sky was pierced with a hue of light blue. my eyes opened quickly as I gained full consciousness to the fact that I couldn't recognize the melody of the birds' song; the bed that i was sleeping on did not have the silhouette of my sister; the ceiling did not have the same square hints as the one in my bedroom.

I am in London.
or i shall now call it Londie, as said by mr Nicholas Ng.

An adrenaline rush gushed through my cold body. Judging from the now, light grey sky, I had assumed it was already 7 in the morning. then i remembered when WyeYee showed me the sky outside her hostel in Hertfordshire had already lit up at 3:30 in the morning. i turned to my UK-timed handphone; it was only 4 in the morning.

i let out a giggle.

I was too excited to go back to sleep, so I made my way down the unfamiliar house that belonged to my mother's long time friend. everyone was still asleep. I felt through the carpeted mahogany stairway, the vintage door knobs and to the kitchen. make yourself at home, dear- a voice rang in my head. i turned on the orange light and walked towards the kitchen window.

i didn't know Aunt Sue had a garden with a patio. as I gazed a the lush greens outside, the shadow of a creature caught my eye. it wriggled through the ferns and little bushes, looking like it was searching for food. I couldn't make up what it was until it ran away; it was a red fox.

i turned my attention to the kitchen.

its walls are decorated with vintage floral teapots and matching teacups. a vase of white orchids stands still by the window. my stomach was still queasy from the long flight and car ride to here so i made myself a hot cup of chocolate instead of tea because there are too many kinds of earl grey to choose from. there is leftover PB and J in a tupperware. next to it, there is a stack of pancakes, crumpets, bread of all types, cereal boxes, a silver tin of chocolates, shortbread biscuits and jam tarts, a jar of Nutella, blueberry jam, honey. i opened the fridge; boxes of frozen pizza, a box of juicy red cherries, pies and custards.

and now I am here.

in front of the laptop, exhaling warm air into my cold hands as I enjoy my first morning in London alone, but not really alone.

I am going back to sleep now as I still feel a bit lightheaded.

good morning and good night, beautiful people.

Fly- Nick Drake

because i really can't believe it.

2011-06-09T00:15:00.001+08:00

hello from Johor Bahru! *waves franticly*

i realize i did not update at all while i was in Ipoh last week. man, would've been so much cooler if i were to write from each different place that i was at. coz then it'd be like time travel, but not really time travel either because Malaysia all over same time. a girl can pretend she's travelling all over the oceans, ok?

after all,
i am travelling overseas in less than two weeks.
i cannot wait for 7 weeks in UK and having one of my dreams come true;

watching Glee live.

just the thought of it, the fact that i never even thought i'd be able to ever meet these people... and now, i'm going to watch it in the country that i'd never even dare dream of being in. i'm going to be living my dream.

who would've thought that i'd be spending near half of this year travelling?

it may not mean much to many to be travelling all across the country; but to be in a new city every week is just such a new experience, whether or not both cities are close or far apart. yes it's always the same food, same people and same buildings, but no it's not. Penang might win hands down for best food overall but the Indian restaurant where i ate three bowls of rice at yesterday night was simply orgasmic. shoulda seen my face as i devoured the tandoori chicken and the mint yogurt.

BEST TANDOORI CHICKEN + MINT YOGURT I'VE ATE IN MY LIFE.

NO SRSLY.

there's also something that puts JB on a much higher standard as compared to the other states that i've been in. the people here are incredibly well mannered. they put even the best, most polite people that you randomly stumble upon at KL's sidewalks/lrts to shame. the people here smile, they nod, they say thank you, and not the pathetic thank-you-and-walk-away-fast-fast thank you but the bow-their-head lightly-and-smile-as-they-say-thank-you thank you, acknowledge your presence, say no politely when they don't want a drink, and the most unbelievable part is they don't ask for more even when you offer them an extra can.

they make all the people i've met in KL, Kedah, Penang, Ipoh look like rude little bastards.

and rude little bastards is not even enough to describe all the immensely uneducated people i have come across in the past month of working this job.

even the kids here have better etiquette than them RLBs.

8/10 of them say thank you when i give them a can. and not the thank-you-and-run-away-fast-fast thank you but the literally-bow-or-curtsy-and-pronounce-their-thank-yous-correctly thank you.

and the hotel staff here are the most efficient and of best propriety.

they had to change our rooms for extra furnishing and we were working then. so what did they do? they transported all our luggage, food, toiletry and additional crap into a new room. and everything was in the exact.same.position as it was in our first room. toothbrushes and toothpastes separated, shampoo bottles aligned, snacks/hairbrush/hairdryer and etc arranged systematically on the mirror table. heck, it was even neater than how we left it.

i'm sorry la.i'm just so blown away by how Johor Bahru is just so... amazing.

the warm atmosphere, the humility of its people. just outstanding.

i'd like to think that it's a Singaporean influence.

but yeah i shall just leave it like that.

i also won't talk much about how the diameter of my stomach has increased vastly.

yeah i'm just leaving it like that.

four more days until i'm back home for a good week,

before i leave to the real city of my dreams :')

2011-06-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

guys who wear tasteful kicks = YES.

Steak for Chicken- The Moldy Peaches

because it's starting to have its effect on me.

2011-05-28T22:09:00.000+08:00

from Kedah to Pulau Pinang, baby!
the land in which things like char koay teow, nasi kandar, apam balik, hokkien mee, cendol and ice kacang originate from. speaking of which, i have gained 3-4 kg from being here this past week. i wish i were kidding you.

i'm actually going to Fitness First tomorrow at one of the malls here, as my final shift in Penang had just ended today. SHED SHED SHED SHED SHED

today was a great Saturday.
it was a tiring day of work but I had J Co's Frogurt for lunch and some awesome soya bean ice cream less than an hour after that. i srsly had no idea that J Co had frozen yogurt. await the photo of it as it is currently in my Itouch. AWAIT IT MAN I TELL YOU.

and with great food, comes great clubs.
okay not really but i just would like to spare some space to talk about how i have gone clubbing twice in the past week here and i'm going again tonight. what happened in Penang, omg, stay in Penang please, or i would just.... jump out of the 23rd floor of some really high condominium and die. flat out die. but still, MIST > MOIS anyday bro, anyday.

this has marked almost two weeks of my absence from home.
life travelling independent and experiencing new cities on my own has been exciting, thrilling and amazing but you know what? it feels like shit.

i don't know whether the company that i'm with names will not be mentioned to protect the uninnocent could be part blamed for that. it's like the environment i'm in continuously reinforces me that it's wrong to be different; that it's not decent that i sit with my legs wide open, that i don't need to be talked to because i'm not pretty or cute, that it's socially wrong to not want to mingle with people and stay home to Tumblr instead, that it's weird that i read books, that it's funny that i listen to Bright Eyes and Landon Pigg, that it's not accepted that i'm not like everyone else.

it has been a long while since i have cried broke-down style and when Mei called me a few nights back, i couldn't hold back. sitting on the familiarized carpet outside the hotel room, tears were overflowing as i fought hard to choke them away. i never really knew what it was like to be shunned for not blindly blending in because i understand that i've always been the type of person who blended in with everyone.

if it were not for the frequent calls from her and JiaLi,
as well as Liyana who keeps me company through texts,
and the few lovely souls on Tumblr who reached out to me,
i wouldn't have been able to survive all this on my own.

i cannot thank all of you, including those i didn't mention, enough.

now let's talk homesickness.

i miss my bed, i miss my desktop computer, i miss dance classes and the people who attend it, my mother and her constant naggings, my brother and his strived order with everything in the house, my sister and her being her, my mother, my best friends, church friends, my dog, my grandma, my mother, the maid, my bolster, my mother...

who is actually now in Australia with the brother on the company trip.

so i feel bad too that my sister is all home alone. hence, i am right now in Georgetown White Coffee, sucking on free Wifi as i send my mother an email, Tumblr, Facebook and text my sister at the same time because i truly and honestly miss my family terribly.

to be honest,

i can't wait til i'm done with this job.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out- Bright Eyes

because i feel like Lykke Li.

2011-05-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

so here i am.

hundreds of miles away from KL, tucked away in a dodgy, cheap motel somewhere up north of this country. aching legs comfortably sheathed in a warm, double-pieced linen and wool blanket. good ol' diary to my left, Wuthering Heights to my right. Tiger biscuit crumbs all over.

it's my 2nd day here in Alor Setar, Kedah.
it surely is nothing to brag about, this humble little city of little life and little happenings.
restaurants don't open regularly, though food is never hard to find. lots of karaoke bars and massage parlours. not many people either. some are friendly, some not so friendly.

i found it really cliche'ly humorous how the absolute first thing that i saw as i passed the tol into Kedah was a paddy field.

as of this night hour, i am sitting alone in this bearable room on this queen-sized bed which i share with two other girls, who are not here at this moment because the entire group decided to go out for karaoke and beer while i couldn't miss Showdown on tv and wanted to Tumblr very badly. i should be washing my clothes real soon yes, i'm doing my own laundry here! before i proceed to my weekly dose of Glee which i am currently streaming.

i had a terrible sleep last night.
i just fumbled through and through, head filled with things running from one end to another. i'm not sure what things but what i know was my head wouldn't rest and give itself a break.

also because my two friends had the only two pillows.

try sleeping without em.

it felt indifferent.
waking up in a different city, far away from home.
without mummy to handle morning Milo for me, to arrange my clothing, to shake me out from sleep.

without daddy who would either already be awake and preparing breakfast, or snoring away in sleep.

independent was too small of a word to describe all of it.

to explain how it all feels to be so far away home & the people i know, doing everything myself. setting up the hot water to get my morning fix of coffee/hot cocoa, reading the papers, figuring out my own meals as i go out to work by 10a.m and finishing by 7p.m.

i'm only nineteen.

but i don't feel of that age at all.

i fear being too old in the mind sometimes. i don't laugh as much as other nineteen year olds do or as much as i used to, i ponder alot about life & every bit of it's direction & shape & mystery & wonder & magic & miracle, if there are any left for me. i think of God occasionally too & the plans He has for me, if there are any left for me.

it feels good though.

it feels good.

Falling In Love at A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

because that alone, says a lot.

2011-05-14T22:24:00.002+08:00

so i have been working for the past five days.
and in a couple days, i will be leaving to Alor Setar for a week, followed by JB, Ipoh and Penang, one week each! this simple job of mine allows me to travel + pays for my accommodation! what is logic! (JiaLi Wong, 2011)

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if there's an added advantage to my job as a promoter in a Sarsi roving team other than lazing around, sleeping, and eating a lot and by a lot i mean ALOT, it is that i get to see all sorts of fashion senses and styles come to life in the form of randomly walking passersby.

if only i were allowed to stop people in their tracks to ask them if they minded me taking a photo of them, simply for the joy of my personal collection of expressed identities.

in my opinion, someone's option of clothing speaks three things about the person:
their creativity.
their guts.
and their level and choice of sexuality.

if you would allow me,
can i take a picture of you?

Three Wishes- The Pierces

because i know.

2011-05-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

i know i'm a messy, disorganized little twit.
i know i leave my clothes on the floor and on the racks of three different rooms.
i tend to borrow everyone's things and then misplace them and lose them.
yes, i lost your damned RM20 sunglasses, i truly apologize and i'll get you a new one.

i know all of that.

you and you and you don't have to constantly remind me that i'm flawed that way.

i know it's not something that should be acceptable but it is an undying habit that i've always had. and sometimes, i like being in a state of mess. it juxtaposes the supposed thin and calm nerve line in the back of my never-resting brain which brings about more chaos in my life than actual physical clutter. the unordered nature that i unconsciously create brings about a sense of peace and stability to me. i'm the type of person who just works in a disheveled way.

wanna know what else i know?
i also know that you have a habit of being naturally conceited, almost comparable to that of Mean Girls' Regina George without exaggeration, that you can't be bothered with the consequences of your damned 'cool' actions until the effect of it actually affects yourself, and that you want things your way so much, you don't even see how it affects the feelings of the people around you.

oh,
i also know the level of how much i care about things is more than the level of how much the three of you care, combined.

i know that it comes off extremely unfair and immature; the way i defend my negative traits and shoot out all of yours. i understand that those things i dislike about you, you and you also come with its perks. how it makes you naturally confident, bold and brave, how you are determined to living your life the way you want it to and especially how you have succeeded with so much in life through your relentless strive.

but let me go a little, will you?
just because i don't resemble the traits and characters that you guys share, it does not make me unacceptable. i'm just different.

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i also know that my sister bakes the craziest cream cheese chocolate cupcakes.

and i'm confident now that what i feel for you is real.

Maps- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

because i need to choose my ground.

2011-05-07T03:14:00.002+08:00

Lord, give me a new heart, and a new spirit; remove off me my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh, just like how You said you would in Ezekiel 36:26.

it's ~~close to~~ 3a.m.
rarely am i a night owl but since the past several weeks, it seems that i've ventured to the dark side (pun intended).

there is no music playing.
and it's been quiet for the past couple hours.
you know how people are usually afraid of still silence because then, they'd hear their negative, puncturing thoughts even louder? funny for me because in this absence of sound, my mind comes to peace. or maybe i'm normal and sane and the people around me just aren't.

the Bible sits on my right lap.
i sit here, cross legged, half naked. face salty from dried tears.
the water i sip tastes more and more plain as i sip and sip.

i am drowned with overpowering thoughts and emotions, ones that i've felt for quite sometime but was never too sure about, so i ignored and put aside. i've not felt this level of fucking frustration, confusion, guilt, shame, and regret ever before.

you read right;

i am guilty.

April 2nd, 2011

why take the leap, JuYi? you're already so happy here.

i took the leap.
then i got scared, and crept one foot back to the middle line.
one foot in the grey, one foot over there.

i need to make a decision already.
and it's going to be one of the hardest things i'd ever have to do in my life.

because i was asked to update, ahahah :P

2011-05-04T02:01:00.000+08:00

so i've been eating alot.
not like it's a surprise, really.

but i can't help it if i'm always being fed like a four-stomached cow. yah wait lah, one day i'm gonna resemble a mother cow, minus the sagging titties.

other than that, i've been enjoying myself as i've been blessed with lovely company lately.
today marks one of those rare days where my mind is calm and serene; not affected by the effect of overthinking and overanalyzing. just breezing through the 2a.m. solitude with a simple cup of water and Plain White Ts.

fuiyoh juyi, so short your post this time!

Rhythym of Love- Plain White Ts

because i'm back to contemplating.

2011-04-02T01:08:00.000+08:00

here i am; up at 1 in the morning, not being able to decide whether to just fall into lumber sleep or to force the body to stay up to do some reading/studying. or maybe because of my unconscious reasons of not going to sleep yet out of the same old fear of guilt after eating a 2nd round of dinner at 11:30 and because i am waiting.

i don't even know what i'm waiting for.

i can feel myself entering a new chapter and i admit; it is starting to scare me. for a while, I've not wanted to admit it because i thought that the less i think about it, the less likely the chances i'd be pondering on it from time to time. the statement proved itself true but only lasted a few weeks because i am still the same old person who simply thinks too much.

it is a new chapter in a famous genre that i had once ripped out of my sentimental pages quite some time ago. i had never thought i'd feel this way again after so long its diminished absence. in fact, i've blocked that particular genre out for so long, that the mere feeling itself feels somewhat new to me.

i feel like a child.
it feels like a new experience, though i know that i have gone through all this before.

i fear the anticipated heartaches, the anguished disappointments, the common mistrusts, the unlikely letdowns. i fear it all. and to be honest, i'd rather stay on this side of the fence where i am already happily and safely frolicking on the warm green grass that has been laid out here for me. why take the leap, JuYi? you're already so happy here.

okay.
i've decided to go to bed instead.

Skinny Love- Birdy

because it's been pretty awesome.

2011-03-29T21:37:00.001+08:00

you know that euphoric feeling you get at 7a.m. in the morning as you take a deep breathe in when the LRT transitions from Masjid Jamek to Pasar Seni? when you've traveled in momentary, solitary blackness and all of a sudden, a tinge of dim orange light bursts through the windows of the fast-paced train as it pierces through the grey morning clouds?

just the way the light comes through so easily and minimally, without giving warning or telling of it's arrival. the way it naturally creeps up your cold skin, transferring its voluminous energy to you and invigorating your quiet soul. how the shadows of yesterday slowly die and fade away as its soft fire takes its place and conquers the start of the day.

like nothing from yesterday should matter anymore because it's a new day.

everyone gets a new day everyday.

one of the reasons why i love taking the train in the early morning to college.

because of conditioning.

2011-03-20T00:24:00.003+08:00

i've never been one to skip or postpone my sleeping time, especially when my eyes start to droop and my cognitive levels start to decrease from 'i don't know how i should start this paper' to 'what in ganja's name is this paper about again?'. i enjoy my sleep, and i especially enjoy a strict 6-7 hour sleep because i'm annoyingly OCD that way. while prepping for Pysch presentation this morning, i realized i have another OCD of NOT cutting over my drawn box lines.

i like the lines of my boxes to be seen, okay?

in the past 3-4 days, i've had less than approximately 4 hours of sleep because of assignments that were due the same day/day after another. and i didn't have naps because i 1)wanted to attend class at the gym. 2)hold on, gym was barely in the picture because i had to use up all the time i had for the assignments and 2.5)i'd been at college all day. what makes it all worse is that i'm a morning lark so i cannot sleep anymore past 8.a.m., no matter what time i sleep. so when i woke up at 7:30 after sleeping at 4 the night before when my class is at 11 i was like

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~

yeah.
i'm just glad three are down, and i have three more to go.
none of which's due dates are even close together, thank freaking God.

i don't know why i'm still up typing.
i'm clearly exhausted because i'm effusively yawning at 11p.m. despite having downed an entire cup of hot green tea and a packet of chocolate cookies. i think it's because Dorian Gray is a really good book and good books > sleep. also because i am listening to good music.

here's a playlist of what i've been listening to a lot in the past week.

oh dear boulangerie, please reply to me.

because this is a nice photo and i like it, hence, i feel like showcasing it.

2011-03-07T20:40:00.001+08:00

the best thing about photos is that the people in it don't change

The Ballad of Love and Hate- The Avett Brothers

2011-03-02T09:54:00.000+08:00

i have frozen myself.
i feel pain, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, distrust and anger but have conditioned my body to have absolutely no bodily reaction to those feelings.

i have frozen myself.

2011-02-24T22:06:00.001+08:00

here's to hoping the old film camera will work!

because i need to sleep. my eyeballs are literally falling out.

2011-02-22T02:14:00.000+08:00

2:00 a.m., listening to good music with M and J.
hello, random annoying rant #352.

well, actually it's not really a rant because i consider it quite a thought.
and it's not annoying either, i just consider it annoying because when i write out of emotion, and especially emotions of anger, discontent and vexation, i tend to come off really crude.

so, why is it that usually, good looking boys are homophobic?
by 'good looking boy', i loosely mean the boy that girls usually flutter about as he walks down the corridor/sits in the same class with them, the boy that naturally looks sexy good even though he just had a huge plate of chap fan, the boy that hangs out with other good looking boys along the corridor, talking bout the deepest things in the world like cars, sex and booby girls, the boy that cares more about his appearance than his grades, the boy that just gives in to peer pressure and doesn't actually mind it. loosely, my friend. loose definitions, according to me.

and by homophobic, i mean.... homophobic.

i'm actually okay with people who don't agree with same-sex preferences. i understand if you're not comfortable or don't accept the idea of people who choose their sexual preference oppositely. it's fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and beliefs. but doesn't that mean you have to respect their life choices and decisions as well? i mean, how does them being gay affect you?

what annoys me is when i'm questioned 'why i hang out/talk to fags'.

without any insertion of anger/sarcasm; why i talk to gay people? ummm, because i want to? and i don't mind? and they're actually very nice people, despite their sexual preference. sometimes better than those who are deemed normal in society. and in my case, they are definitely better than the lot that i unfortunately know. and by lot, i mean the good looking boys that think they've got hair nicer than Justin Bieber's. and then it's OKAY to be lesbian to them because lesbians are hot, face it.

here's a proposition/idea.
say, sometime in the near future, the acceptance of gays/lesbians in society increases. and then, the act of condemning them actually decreases. and then the act of treating them like normal people becomes somewhat a trend/accepted idea. won't the good looking guys of the future not mind these fags then? you know, because it's a trend followed by most of the future youngsters.

i understand if it is viewed from a religious viewpoint; how the idea of same-sex preference is simply not accepted. but when you lay the facts down next to things like peer pressure and social status, it's stupid, ignorant and blatantly immature to disrespect gays because it's cool/part of the Social Rules for Dummies Guide.

some people just need to grow up.
or not exist.

Under Cover of Darkness- The Strokes

2011-02-06T18:34:00.002+08:00

you break her heart,

i break your balls.

because i won't be the one to disappoint you

2011-01-23T00:29:00.002+08:00

15/1/11

there's something about notebooks that i really love. empty, thickly covered books with off white pages. diaries, journals, sketchbooks, & maybe even Wreck This Journal, which i swear to get one day.

after cake and tea with Liyana, whom i have not met in a very long time, i spent some time in MPH while she went to go see Azureen for abit. at first, i lingered in the trashtastic media magazines section, stopping at a page of Cleo or Cosmo i'm not sure, that had Cory Monteith innit.

i quickly proceeded to the area containing the Moleskins the minute i laid my wandering eyes on them.

I stood there for fifteen minutes, shuffling through each journal that sat there still; wrapped, unwrapped, boxed, leather-covered, velvet covered (mmm my favourite), rich brown, faded brown, bright red, strapped, unstrapped, squared, edged, lined, unlined... i went through them all.

there's something about new, yet to be owned journals that just attract me so. to me, they are like newborns; all waiting to be picked by their designated mummy or daddy, waiting to have stories & drawings put into them, waiting to have some sort of history engraved in them. and they get brought to the loveliest places too; cozy coffeeshops, bedroom tables, lakeside stairways... they travel on airplanes too, usually sitting on the passenger seat as well.

isn't it wonderful to be created for such a beautiful purpose? to be a secret means of artistic expression, closed away and kept confidential, only between you and your owner. it is like being the only trusted person who reads and sees all the thoughts & desires of a person that no one else gets to see. it's an entire level of mutual understanding and companionship on its own.

a day in the life of a journal.

simply heartening.

Love's Not A Competition (But I'm Winning)- Kaisers Chiefs

2011-01-14T22:30:00.003+08:00

the arrival of a cold, purple skied night was evident.
the black tar road finely sparkled in golden sifts, reflecting the orange street lights that shone firmly on its tall iron bodies, despite the downpour of demurring heavy rain.

to be honest, i wasn't ready to give my 100% at today's athletics training. i have already been aching from the first session two days ago and dance classes yesterday. not to mention the yummy and overfilling banana leaf lunch i had only a couple hours earlier that added to the i-don't-feel-like-running-shit-today mood.

quick update for the blur: i had recently (and i now believe, accidentally) been recruited into HELP's Athletics Team. it happened when i went for training on Wednesday, thinking it was just a practice for the upcoming HELP Sports Carnival. the next thing you know; i'm listed to represent HELP, competing with other runners representing other private colleges in the MAPCU Sports soiree.

only the second day of training and i + another colleague developed blisters and another colleague vomited. i was actually lucky to get a blister because if not, i would've had to run another 2000 meters. and that is after constantly training my leg strides, sprinting to and fro, and running 1000 meters before.

when i had to stop because of that stupid minor injury,
i observed quietly the big, red tracked stadium.

never have i felt so small and intimidated in my eighteen years of life.

i saw this young girl wearing the national orange coloured sports jacket, complete with the bolded MALAYSIA print on the back. she jogged up and down the stairways, around the track several times, looking cooler than Mike Posner. she came off so familiar to me, until my trainer/leader said she was the Under-16 National 800 Meter Gold Medalist.

there were many more wearing the national sports jackets.
those who weren't wearing, were half-nakedly sprinting at speeds faster than light and for distances longer than how much my mother and i have walked in our lives, combined. the amount of ripped muscle they had on their backs alone was more than my entire body's muscle mass.

then i overheard that they were actually our national Paralympic runners.

then there was the young Indian girl who didn't stop running around the track for a close hour. and the old chap who probably has not even stopped yet. and the few dudes who noticed almost immediately that my spikes were actually torn. yet, they were constantly providing motivation whenever i ran pass them. or in this case, in the times that they ran past me.

i felt like my entire being could've been and would've been scrutinized in the time length of which i ran the tracks. how wrong my technique is, how weak my legs are, how my blessed height and lengthly legs are not used for their advantage, how generally unathletic i am. how i could easily be the wrong choice as an addition into the college's winning team.

i walked home in the cold, windy rain, soaking and shivering as i breathed heat into my wet hands.
i felt defeated; so defeated, that not even the rain and its ice cold demeanor could bring me down any further.

The Funeral- Band of Horses

because this is for my best friend, Mimi.

2011-01-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

i love you more than words in the dictionary can describe it for me.
and that is all i can say.

because it's just exactly what i feel.

2011-01-09T19:39:00.000+08:00

there has been a question lingering in my mind for quite some time, in the past months actually.
i always knew the answer to it, but at the same time, it's not an exact answer. merely an interpretation of what i truly thought.

i confided in trusted people, asking them whether my belief was right or wrong.

basically it's about how i feel as a Christian towards the subject of homosexuality.
and because it is such a sensitive topic, i never really could find the right words to express my fundamental introspection that is not common to the average and majority of Christians.

this girl right here, who runs one of the most uplifting sites on Tumblr, expressed it in such a mature, simplistic manner that matched exactly my thoughts and opinions towards the subject. i will paraphrase some of her entire answer here.

I don’t necessarily think that gay people are damned to hell. I just can’t justify that in any way. The God that i choose to believe in is a loving an forgiving God. Of course, I don’t know everything. But neither do any of us. No one will, until we die and are face to face with Him. But I feel ever so strongly, somewhere deep in my heart, God loves homosexuals. He made them as they were.

I feel like my “justification” for this belief comes from Psalm 139.

¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

This first part tells us that God knows us, more than we know ourselves. He knows if we’re gay or straight before we know it ourselves. And more importantly, He made us that way.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

This verse says that he knitted us together and saw our unformed bodies, knows our days before they are even lived and that our “frame was not hidden from you.”

I’ve done a lot of thinking on the subject of homosexuality. i have best friends who are gay, and some who have even come out long before the subject of homosexuality became less of a 'trend', if i may politely say. I love my friends like I do my family; I don’t want to see them in Hell because of who they are.

But then I was lead to this Psalm. I read it and it just spoke to my heart. If God created us, every fiber, and knew what we would grow up to be and do, he then created us to be gay or straight. Why would he create something, just to hate it? To doom that person to Hell, with no real chance of getting to Heaven because of what God made them? I don’t see that happening. God loves what he made us, though He might hate what we do and all the mistakes we make.

But if I were to come across a gay man or woman, who loved God with all their heart. Who followed His word to the letter, prayed, gave their all and had undeniable faith, how can this person be sent to Hell? Now, I said before, I can’t know this. I like to hope that God would decide out of his heart not to punish this person…it’s like that thing with “Well where to babies go if they die? They don’t believe in Jesus, so they can’t go to Heaven, right?” Or the argument for, “What about the boy in Africa who has never even heard of Jesus or God? Never had contact with the outside world and then dies. Will he get the chance, in a sort of in-between world, to believe?” It’s these things that you can’t possibly answer until you see God face to face. in fact, none of us can.

And that is my very long answer to your very simple question. I don’t know if homosexuality is really “right” but I believe fiercely that just the fact that someone is born gay shouldn’t make them get a one way to hell ticket, you know? I know plenty of Christians that are Gay. Is their belief useless? Their worship to God any less? I don’t think so, but that’s just me.

Boy With A Coin- Iron & Wine

because i need to go back to december.

2011-01-05T01:24:00.001+08:00

it's 1:15 a.m.

i am awake in this wide, solemn room of the house, sipping on water to soothe my dry throat. i don't know what is it that makes my throat feel so restrained these days, especially in the night.

only the fourth day of the year and i've had too many thoughts travelling all over my little mind, from one corner to the other. i feel much more at peace as i sit alone here than when i was surrounded by monotonously happy people the entire day today. it's one of those days where i'm much better quiet because i'm simply too exhausted from thinking to verbally murmur anything that could be humanly heard. then again, i actually grew up as a quiet kid. guess some things just don't change, new year or not.

often, i am blessed with good things and good apparels. i am always thankful but sometimes i'm left wanting more, wanting better. and that's where i usually mess up. i forget about the good that i have, scurrying for better alternatives and options. when i'm not able to find a better replacement, i go back to what i once had. but then, someone has already took it.

i toy with the idea of having seemingly endless possibilities of good fortune,

hanging them on fine strings like a self proclaimed puppeteer,

until it becomes too late for me to realize that the ropes have cut loose and they are no longer mine.

Ashwin was right.
i pay the price for my own irresolute ways.
its time i started learning.

i guess you're just no longer mine

Casimir Pulaski Day- Sufjan Stevens

because this is it.

2010-12-31T13:51:00.000+08:00

it's the last day of the year.

many people have said that this year seemed to have flew by too instantly. maybe it's because time flies when you're having fun. i definitely had alot of fun. it's a pity that i never got to fully share here all the experiences and people that God has blessed me with. from my SPM result day, my experience from working odd jobs, the little freelance modelling gigs that i did, the expired love stories, the first day i stepped into the college that changed my life, the numerous dance projects, all the way until the recent Melaka trip with 20 other crazy kids... all of it. i still remember all of it like they had just happened yesterday.

how much i have definitely changed.

i no longer linger too long on things that demotivate and tear me down. i've become solid, a simple warrior in its very own state. instead of being the crier, i became the person people cried on. maybe because i finally truly realized that the person in control of my feelings is myself. i actually have control, and i get to decide how i feel. i am no longer the victim of impermanent solitude, i am free.

this year, i had also realized the beauty of the people around me more. i appreciate ever so much those that are my best friends, those that are my good friends, and those that are just everyday passerbys. i learnt to see past the imperfections of people and treasure their definite qualities. i love that every single person is different in such varying ways.

i've started writing letters.
because merely stating them through texts or facebook wall posts cannot fully render the depth of my love and gratitude for the existence of some people that i've been very lucky to cross paths with in my life. i plan on keeping this plain habit, for as long as my heart has the yearning to express and speak of feelings that cannot be fully expressed verbally or in common contextual forms.

all in all, this year has been nothing but a gracious blessing.
i look forward to what 2011 has in store for me, and for the rest of us.

for now, i'm going to feast on some delicious Kelantan rice in honour of our Malaysian goalkeeper Khairul Fahmi, mmm mmm, watch Black Swan, play Monopoly and then proceed to Ranjali's house for a lovely girlfriends gathering to countdown the end of 2010.

happy new year, guys :)

Always Attract- You Me At Six

because they don't come around very often.

2010-12-15T02:18:00.000+08:00

you see these three women surrounding me?

i have come to know each of them through different encounters, for different durations, and have gone through different life experiences with them, and conversely the same way as well. i'm glad the four of us are so compatible despite the varied dissimilarities that we have. i love Angelina, Justine, and JiaLi.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's close to 1 in the morning, my brain demands its rest and yet i'm frivolously up, sipping on a facile cup of green tea. i just cannot go to bed without writing down everything that is now on my mind.

no, i am not awake because i have thoughts of her/thoughts of me with her. but i do have a big lesbian crush on her because she IS the epitome of perfection, despite knowing the countless plastic surgery she's had done.

from my very own experience with the usual reaction people have towards miss Fox,

women hate her. men want to sex her.

same goes for all the other usually-skin-baring women in the industry.

'omg she's like so frikking HOT'

'omg her boobs are so damn huge man, damn nice'

'her body is like.... so damn cun'

'Jessica Alba is damn damn hot'

'she's like the hottest girl ever'

'her face + her body is like cun man PERFECT'

do i even need to begin with what men usually say bout her?

in no way am i condescending towards these few women that i chose to use as examples here. i actually think they're beautiful and have more frequent girl crushes on them than you can imagine. my problem is the italicized captions, which represent the comments they usually get, particularly from the male species.

as obviously,

there's not much vocabulary in the average male person's dictionary other than 'hot' and 'cun'.

surely, i cannot blame the men for being so objective towards women when you have them scantily clad in racy underwear for magazine covers and issues ( sometimes even without the underwear ). and yes i do know very well that not all men talk like that. however, i know many who do. my question is what about the other women? what about those that don't choose to reveal as much skin as the ones showcased here?

here's something for laughs;

i asked a few male friends once if they had any idea who Audrey Hepburn was.

'nope'.

siapa makan wasabi, dialah rasa itu pedas sampai naik hidung

the classics; Emily Blunt, Natalie Portman, Carey Mulligan, Anne Hathaway... you don't hear too often guys saying they're sexy as hell or has got a hot rack. in fact, you don't even hear them being talked about. not amongst the objectifying-type men, to say the least. the word beautiful comes about so rarely these days, if not, misused. could it be that men just feel inferior talking about beauties with brains? not saying that Katy, Jessica or Kim are brainless, but do note that one of the latter girls mentioned has a Harvard's degree in Psychology.

it is safe for me to conclude:

men talk about hot girls more than beautiful girls.

the ones with big perky boobs, tight asses and lots of skin to share with the world. i sometimes wonder about the level of influence on how our generation of women dress; skimpy tight clothing are infamously blustering. more in-your-face cleavage everywhere. skirts are turning into thongs. shameless plug alert: i fall into that category too once in a while. of course, there is no problem with wanting to look and feel sexy. you think i don't like ah? however, the general concept of beauty in the eyes of both men and women has changed so much and truthfully, it is deeply upsetting.

i remember when Lea Michele was just like any ordinary actress, until she bared her toned tummy and a bit of her chest in Glee's Britney/Brittany episode. STARTED LAH the whole 'wah that lea michele's actually hot' frenzie. mcb. WAS SHE NOT HOT BEFORE?

before prom, many knew me as the girl who wore boy jeans, comfy tshirts and sneakers. i got little attention from the oppositing gender; i even had some question why i was so manly and unfeminine. things changed after i infamously wore the insanely short Herve Ledger dress at prom. suddenly, that same person who once questioned my feminity called me.... wait for it... you guessed it, hot.

dude,

here's my middle finger to you.

i am sick, literally SICK of the way so many boys view and talk about girls. it is demoralizing, degrading and completely disrespectful to speak of us women as supermarket groceries or easily retrieved items. if only they realize the impact of their behavior towards the idea of how women see themselves and how they think they should portray themselves. i seriously believe that if they stop paying so much attention to what is underneath the clothes, then so would the women. it is unfortunate that many women's confidence lie in the hands and brains of the shallow men that we have. unfortunate but painfully true. in short;

STOP OBJECTIFYING US WOMEN.

WE ARE NOT TOYS OR OBJECTS THAT CONSIST ONLY OF PHYSICAL ASSETS.

THANK YOU.

Shadowland- Youth Group

because it's just wonderful.

2010-12-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

after a long day of camaraderie and a butt-killing gym session with good friends,
i proceeded to dinner with more good friends.

i see the both of them hold hands and have their little conversations and private jokes that no one else gets. for some reason, i don't feel out of place. i was just a wallflower, observing nonchalantly in the background. it's like watching a silent movie, except that the main characters are my friends. instead of the usual feeling of envy and self-pity, it felt nice to be someone just witnessing life pass by. it was ingenuous happiness in its very own state.

why should we drown ourselves in the self-stirred sorrow of not being with somebody? is it a must to have someone by your side to be content? what about the time when you were on your own? you didn't need somebody then. what makes it a must now? easy for me to say definitely, since i had had someone special for such a long time in my life. but that makes no exception for the fact that we are the ones who define our desires and decide what gives us bliss.

i am not against relationships at all. oh no dear God, that's like saying i don't like caramel popcorn when i watch movies or something. no.

if you choose to make someone your every ounce of happiness, then it surely will be that way.
i for one, truly believe that in order to be really happy, we need to begin with ourselves. then only do we start looking for someone to be in the picture. the main purpose of relying on someone else for contentment is for us to feel happy, yes? so why not be happy on our own first?

By & By- Brett Dennen

because my mom can be pretty amazing.

2010-12-11T00:24:00.001+08:00

so it was one of those random conversations that i had with my mom in the car. i've been having alot of random conversations with my mom lately. not that i'm complaining. i actually adore it.

and she was talking bout how she was talking with a friend on discrimination.
and then her friend discriminated the guai lou, saying that they're so arrogant and what not, with their Jewishly high and pointy noses. and sharp chins. and less than often Super Ring Orange tan. okay so she didn't add all the physical details but yah

see the thing bout the discrimination is that, it doesn't have to occur within different races only. sure, the more serious forms of discrimination do usually involve those of different colours. i read on the KKK a few months back and had so much resentment grow inside of me, i was literally boiling. okay anyway....

i admit; i tend to discriminate my own race more than i discriminate other races. oh don't give me that i don't discriminate at all! i love evereebodee i IS 1 MALAYSIAAA~ you and i ,we all poke fun at the hasty generalizations of other Indians, Malays, Chinese and Banglas. but yes, i do disfavor people of my kind. not all the time, i just know i do. and at least i know i do. maybe it's because i feel like i don't have the right to show bias to Malays and Indians simply because i am not Malay or Indian(?)

it's like me saying Mcdonalds is not healthy when i eat KFC.

omg which is actually a true fact :O

okay sorry for the constant relevance to food

discrimination stems from groups of similar backgrounds and cultures as well, NOT just through skin color. we are bigot to people whom we think are of lower standard than us, and same goes for the people who on the other hand, think we are lower standard than them. it's all a feisty game of class and position. and i find it more problematic than race discrimination because if we are so able and so unthoughtful as to judge people who traditionally hold the same grounds as us, it only opens up more wrong doors, i.e racial discrimination. so if people constantly make a big deal about how discrimination is such a problem and bring up 1Malaysia, they need to look inside first.

little details do count. especially in this case.

that was generally what my mother told me, in my words.
and just so you know, i am less judgemental now than i was before i shared this random, 5 minute conversation with my mother in the car. or at least i am trying/think i am.

Heavy In Your Arms- Florence + The Machine

because the dog days are over, soon.

2010-12-04T20:27:00.000+08:00

i miss writing.
i miss having something provoke me so much, that it stays in my mind and tries hard not to leave. i remember being used to always having a pencil nearby, to jot a thought down. it was, if not always, overflowing.

my poor velvet diary.
how i have abandoned you.

i have adopted the habit of writing letters though. i always have something to tell a particular someone, and if you've gotten a letter from me, you'd know what i'm talking about.

truthfully, this has been a great, great year. not to mention how i have changed so much. even without listing it all down, in my head i have all these pictures of some of the most memorable moments i've had, ever. maybe this year, i didn't feel the need to have captions compliment those polaroid images in my mind. maybe a picture is worth more than a thousand words. cliche, but yes.

Dog Days Are Over- Glee Cast

2010-11-20T01:02:00.000+08:00

if you were destined to be on a mission, an extremely life-risking one.. with no turning back,
would you, if you had the powers, erase yourself from the memories of the people whom you love and love you?

Harry Potter got me from the start until the very end.
i regret not reading the thicker-than-Bible book because i'm pretty sure everything would've made more sense and had more meaning to me. if i did, i'm pretty sure i'd have cried when Dobby died.

i'm supposed to be revising my presentation which is due Monday but i am obviously, not in a right state of mind at the moment. damn you good movies and popcorn.

because i'm better safe than sorry.

2010-11-15T19:17:00.001+08:00

wear your safety belt when you drive, seriously.
don't 'forget' to wear it thinking that it's cool or that you're gonna star/be starring in Too Fast Too Furious or whatever. yeah sure when you break your head you're gonna be famous ah (Y)

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i have SO MUCH to write and squee about my first ever prom that i attended a few days back with some of the greatest people on the planet <3. but due to current conditions, i feel the need to let out so much serious thoughts and opinions first. and plus, i'm still waiting for more photos to be uploaded.

so, like most proms,
with proms, come the after parties.
with after parties, come the alcohol.
with alcohol, comes the mess.
with mess, comes the drama.

there's a reason why i chose not to drink; because i see things like that coming. and trust me, they always come. i may not have gotten myself drunk before to speak from experience but i've heard from enough experience to know what and what not to do. i detest it so much, i really really do.

i am pissed that so many of us choose to go to alcohol to solve problems, or just to let the problems 'fade away' for a short while. with that, we stick to claiming that we're a better and wiser generation than the one before. seriously? also, everyone has problems. from the richest Hartamas kid to the one who helps his father at the char koay stall. you need to toughen. yourself. up. okay? don't expect life to be easy because it's not going to be. the world doesn't revolve around you and your Gossip Girl-made life. it is filled with simple happiness that you can get if you think it.

and oh, to those who get drunk because it's 'cool',

here's my middle finger.

Marvelous Things- Eisley

because it is blissful.

2010-11-05T01:31:00.000+08:00

started off my morning with a lovely honey drizzled waffle, juice and cookies.

then the night before, i had banana split ice-cream for dinner with Mei and her sister.

i rarely ever get time off to enjoy subtle things like these because i'm always off to college really early and when i'm home, i get too tired to do anything and go all Ditto on Tumblr. speaking of, my life revolves around Tumblr now. sorry Facebook and Twitter.

i know i have said this often and probably making people stick their fists down their throats just to pull out their guts at the clichéd, cheesy sound of this again but i truly love the friends i have made in college. they are, somewhat, the reason i don't mind staying up late for on dreadfully long days ( it takes A LOT for me to sacrifice precious sleep, in case you didn't know ). each of them, have and had always been there for me throughout my annoying i'm-fat times and serious i-loathe-what-i-see-in-the-mirror moments. AND THEY BUY ME FOOD HOMAIGOD, HOW CAN I NOT LOVE THEM, YOU TELL ME? and they have helped me through so much, i cannot even..... aaah.

never knew i'd meet such a beautiful bunch of lads.

i thank God for each one of you, everyday. <3

not forgetting the good ol' gang, whom i'll be seeing in T-34 hours to celebrate Deepavali with.

it is blissful.

Crazy- Katie Herzig

because it's all temptation, whether we realize it or not.

2010-10-28T20:40:00.000+08:00

a lot of people seem to think it's weird/paranoiac for me to keep a food journal: meaning keep a list of everything that i've had in a day, from breakfast til' supper. i admit, i am not over my slight issues regarding weight but just to make it clear, the fact that i write them down doesn't mean that i don't eat/haven't been eating adequately; i STILL EAT LIKE THE REGULAR JUYI OKAY. tengah hari makan nasi lepas tu thosai with mutton curry for makan malam pls.

i just like the idea of knowing and keeping track of what i put into my body. if you still find it weird, then hey i'm not the one who doesn't realize i eat Mcdonalds 4 times a week.

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so here's something to talk about.

don't we all have moments where we just can't stand people for the things that they say like 'oh i can't stand hypocrites' or 'people who procrastinate are bat-shit annoying' *these two examples are in reference to nobody* simply because we know that they are what they're saying?

just today i was telling a couple of friends how i disliked this person even more after making a public remark/statement about something, with completely no idea that the she was also in that circle of negative thought she was implementing! damn bangga tau that people were supporting her samo!

so i was like................

i want so bad sometimes, to go up to these people's faces, and go;

YEAH, YOU FORGOT YOU WERE TALKING BOUT YOURSELF TOO, STUPID.

but reality always strikes.

because before i attempt such 'brave' acts, i remember that in life, we all have a 'blind self'; an area of ourselves in which we don't see but others see. annoying habits and traits like spraying saliva a little too much when talking or being a little too bossy. i know i have several negative traits in particular, that people see that i don't.

the normality of only looking at people's less beautiful sides is such an immoral yet accepted and generalized idea amongst us. with a cup of tea in hand, here's to changing and improving on that. here's to trying to be Mr Bright Side day by day. for as long as we remind ourselves, choosing better over bitter can never be too hard.

Baby Baby Baby- Make The Girl Dance

2010-10-25T02:22:00.000+08:00

there's something about nude women that intrigues me.
slender/thin, nude women.

the way their collar bones and ribs reflect so well against light, the sharpness of its edges, the clean simplicity of their skin. beautiful.

and no i didn't mean that in a lesbian way.
even if i did, what's your problem?

2010-10-20T21:17:00.001+08:00

i wore purple today.

2010-10-15T12:35:00.001+08:00

5/01/08

i was on the way to Suria Jaya to collect my trophy for getting all As for PMR.
i asked if you would come with me, since it was a pretty significant moment for me.
and you said no.
thats what you always said; no.

i walked out of the door, tears streaming in the back of my eyes.
why were you so selfish? why did you not care?

later that night, you texted me.
and i flicked it off.
it read;

'my dear princess, i will always be proud of you. you should also always be proud of yourself, okay dear? love, daddy.'

who knew that that would be the last thing you say to me.
and who knew that that would've been the last moment we shared together. bitter as it is.

2010-10-10T01:31:00.000+08:00

today well more like yesterday i also got my prom gown, heels and a new bag + bonding with my mamah.

i'm telling you, i really did love today.

2010-10-10T01:21:00.000+08:00

1:11 a.m, on 10/10/10
just got home from hanging out with my lovely bunch of mates <3

i've been so uptight ever since i became a college student. always doing my homework, reminding people to do their homework and being attentive in every class. today, i forgotabout my obligations for a little while and just laughed out to my heart's content, ate great food and sang out loud to Justin Bieber songs in the car. i felt free, like a new born child who was captivated by the world and it's beauty once more.

i loved today.
i really did.

because we all leave, eventually.

2010-10-01T22:58:00.001+08:00

there she stood.

a few steps away from me, all ready in her baju kurung uniform, supporting an overloaded Swan school bag on her little shoulders. there i was, a few steps away from her. it was a fresh 7 in the morning. i looked at her and she looked back. i flashed her a grin.

Sri Rampai was still asleep; only birds and everyday workers were up and steadily chasing what they always chase. the moon was still opaque and visible in the empty blue sky. i took a deep breathe and closed my eyes. car by car drove swiftly pass the both of us and we have not left. i assume she had been waiting longer than i was, since she was starting to look indolent. there we stood and waited for another fifteen minutes. doesn't school start at 7? isn't she going to be late for school?

in the morning bliss, we waited and maintained our patience. we were alone and on our own, but together in that small radius. in a way, we didn't know each other but in a way, we did. two girls just waiting for our ride to our daily routine. it's nice to have some sort of companion nearby, doing the same thing you are, eventhough you don't know that person at all. i wonder how many times she had waited alone before this because it was my first time following Jeremy to college.

then one of us left.

and the other just stared as she went away.

at that coincidentally right time and coincidentally right place, we meet people of whom i'd like to call soulmates. these are the special people who bring about some sort of change in your life, be it in a good or bad way. you may have known each other only for a day or two but in your minds, it seems like it has been years down the road. and for that period of time, the world feels less like a stranger to you.

but thats the thing about soulmates; many of them leave as the clock ticks by. sure, we cry when the people we love suddenly decide to leave us, wipe our memories off the brain board and pretend that the bond and friendship that was shared had never existed. we suffer in our own exuberant pain that no one else feels. we question God's harshness and wonder how can someone forget you when you never did. we always do. but there's one thing that few of us don't notice. we too, without realizing, leave the people who love us behind.

it's always easy to remember what people have done to us.
the miscommunicated errors and unfortunate mistakes.

but how often do we look at ourselves in the mirror, instead of staring at our petty scars, focus instead on the few people we have left behind the road? the girl who talks too much to you because she had no one else to talk to, the ice-cream man whom you used to buy from every week, the person who always sat next to you on the bus.

we are so overcome by the impact that is left when our loved ones walk away,
that in that lonesome pain, we selfishly yet unknowingly walk away from the people who love us.

Smother Me- The Used

because it's not just one note.

2010-09-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

so AS WE ALL KNOW..........

my favourite show in the world is back.

those who jizzed all over from watching the Britney episode, raise your hands.

i mean. SE-RIOUS-LY.

not that i was a mad Britbrit fan, i DID watch all her music videos when i was younger. watching it all come to life in the form of Heather my-future-wife Morris just made me jaw drop, literally. i was friggin munching chips and actually stopped because i was too in awe of the power behind Brittany S. Pierce.

thats right; Heather Morris with a snake/in red spandex , dancing + singing to I'm A Slave 4 U made me stop eating not in a bad way

see, my sole reason of watching Glee is not just Kevin Husband Mchale or its stupid punchlines. it's because Ryan Murphy would let someone who has no singing experience, a dancer, take full spotlight of one entire episode on her own. what do you know; 13.3 million views.

let me just say that i am so happy for her to have achieved such high status on her own as a dancer. dancers never get the spotlight all to their own, they NEVER do. the everyday common audience rarely value the effort made by the people who dance their hearts out in the background, simply to make the 'star' look better. i hope from the 13 million who tuned in, at least a few thousand of that group got inspired by dance and to dance. and also, SYTYCD; shame on you for letting her go in Season 2.

i may not be a professional dancer like she is, but i can certainly imagine how much on Cloud 9 she is, having being a trending topic worldwide on Twitter, dance as Britney Spears and have people now recognize her face, name and talent. all this from just being a person who wanted to do what she wanted to do; be a dancer.

Heather Morris i love you <3

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i may have gotten the nickname Crazy Girl Who Runs Everyday in my neighbourhood.

no srsly i can feel them whispering as i jog pass them. PSHHH

i don't just run to keep fit or give a shot at losing weight ( epic fail this one ). when i go running, it feels like a whole new world to me. just to start running itself, i need my mentality to push me to do it. you think it's easy to force yourself to go sweat bricks despite having an already long day? well it's not, but i do it because at the end of the day it makes me happy and satisfied. the idea of striving to achieve makes me content because it trains my discipline as a person.

running everyday is like my escape from the juggling of college, people and all the other personal things in life that irritate. for just that hour, i get to run from my problems and let the evening wind take them away from my mind. i get to let my problems sift in the big whispy clouds as i fall in love with the orange sunset over and over, no worries whatsoever.

i run laps around this little circle in my neighbourhood. and i get to see young working mothers come home to their waiting kids. i see the old couple who sits together on the bench in the field, falling in love with the sunset just as i do. there was once this little girl who opened her gate as i was walking pass by with the dog, her dad protectively watching from behind. she said hi and we exchanged simple smiles. i asked her if she wanted to pat my non-harmful dog. moments like these give me such drive and inspiration. and all i have to do is run.

for all these,

i guess i don't mind being Crazy Girl Who Runs Everyday.

Empire State of Mind- Glee

2010-09-18T00:37:00.000+08:00

'thanks dear, you are very astute.'

astute i am.

because it's not weird, it's just different

2010-09-10T23:02:00.002+08:00

three times in two days.

i had so many more questions but there wasn't enough time. i wanted to know so much more. it was like i was starving for some form of inspiration that would come in the form of words. then again, i always do. for what reason? none perhaps. i guess i'm just your type of person who enjoys seeing and conversing with multiple personalities and characters. in my very humble opinion, people who are different from us should never be shunned.

it's always easier to stay within your dotted comfort zone line with the people you lepak with all the time. i won't lie, i enjoy it too and sometimes use that zone as a protection boundary from people that are socially dubbed 'weird' or 'too damn gay to function', which is very selfish and immature of me to firstly, believe the assumptions made towards these eccentric people and secondly; why should it matter?

why is it wrong to not be like everyone else?
why do we have to have this belief that everyone should be of one type?

i wish people saw what i saw in this man. the intelligence and the intellect with a contrasting side of mess and simpleness. sadly, all people see and talk about is his weaknesses and they let that overpower all the good sides of him. it's like a hunting game to find and count how many imperfections one person has, without consciously even realizing it. fuck human nature.

my next questions would be the books that he reads.

Weight Of Lies- The Avett Brothers

2010-09-08T21:42:00.002+08:00

what is your favourite day of the week?

SPM English Choice Essay Question 2009.
rethink, remember, rewrite.

2010-09-06T23:29:00.002+08:00

dear God,

i know i shouldn't have done anything to my beautiful class schedule.

i should've just left it the way it was and not fiddle around with it, expecting better.

i ask that You forgive me for being selfish and unappreciative.

despite having been upset about the entire mess since this evening,
i realized today that there are more important things to life like hugging my dog and calming her shivers down when a few fireworks exploded too loudly, shaking her to her core.

and no i don't care that i smell like wet carpet now.

Black Swan- Thom Yorke

because it's something i need now

2010-09-03T23:29:00.004+08:00

currently writing and rewriting essays from my time back in high school.

i managed to save some of the stuff that i wrote during those ol' times when i was alot more emotional than now. college has pushed and made me a bitch when it comes to handling people and work. either way, i'm still happy with myself despite the changes in my character. what i'm not currently happy with is my schedule and that i may have to reshuffle it, and the fact that i cannot be in my favourite lecturer's class despite how hard i try.

BOOO MY LIFE SUCKS FMLFMLFMLFML!

anyways, here's a snippet of an old essay;

'At that very second, everyone just fell into pits of silence as they stared at the passenger door. My grandmother struggles to come out from the back seat and I rushed to her assistance. Her face was the saddest I had ever seen. Every frown and wrinkle was in place, just deeper and coarser. Tears were dripping down her freckled cheeks and her face was a pale blue.'

wah,
i was so emo and jiwang back then man -.-

I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab For Cutie

2010-08-29T22:06:00.003+08:00

currently chewing on a piece of roast lamb that was tapau-ed from a family friend's dinner, and mucking over alot of things that i want but don't get in life.

1) my hips. i am looking at them, plump and too large on the chair i sit on; in disgust. the same way i look at it a few hours ago in my jeans in the mirror in disgust, the same way i look at it naked everyday in the mirror in disgust. i have body issues shut up. in my aunt's own words two days back;

'wah JuYi you fat already lo. but looking at the way you eat i'm not surprised'

looks like the food gods have took decided to happily emancipate me off my high metabolism i like to believe i used to once have.

2) money.
this one a bit predictable lah. i know everyone in the world wants money. but i know also of people who are blessed to be born with silver spoons in their mouth all the way until their 20s. and these happy pocket-filled people get to do EVERYTHING. things that i don't get to do like shop until i literally drop because of excessive plastic bags, eat at fancy schmancy restaurants, and travel. okay, travel.

2.5)TRAVEL.
i've recently had this urge of wanting to travel. to explore places in the world that are known or not known. to just be encapsulated by beauty in its most raw and untouched state. the feeling of walking in a street of people who speak a total different language from you, and you just stay dumbfounded and excited at the same time. i am in complete envy of the people who will be furthering or even starting their college overseas, because i can't. i can only hope for loans or a scholarship. for this reason, i blame Tumblr and Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love for influencing me.

because i don't have money, or come from a rich family, i am constantly worrying about money. i don't get to spend when i want to because the change in my wallet is the change that will have to last me for the rest of the week. i have an amazingly stable and hardworking single mother who works her crazy ass off to provide food for my college-going brother, spm-soon sister and i., and that enough keeps me money-weary. and i am constantly under pressure to do the best i can in my studies because i need a scholarship of some sort to continue to my degree.

so yes,
i am in envy.
in envy of all the people i know who are so lucky, and so blessed to have been born into families that can provide just what is needed, yet do not see it and complain about the stupidest things in life like petty relationship issues, difficult subjects ( that are not even difficult to begin with ) and so on. those who don't even see education as primary importance because they don't have to.

i am jealous.
i am pathetically envious.
yes i am.

Charlie Darwin- The Low Anthem

coz I'M STILL GOING

2010-08-26T20:26:00.001+08:00

i am not missing this

for the world

we all know that i'm not a band sort of person.
i slide more to the contemp, alternative side.
but they are one of the ONLY bands that i listen to.

i may not be as big a fan of you, but i still am.

AND I AM GOING YO

oh, did i tell you that its in the middle of 2nd sem's midterms?

who else is going?

Tables and Chairs- Andrew Bird

2010-08-24T18:58:00.000+08:00

and then i just had two slices of sinfully delicious chocolate and chunky peanut butter covered pancakes

FAIL LAH

because i can't do this

2010-08-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

i practice a balanced lifestyle.

i eat three proper meals a day and i never miss them. i try to exercise everyday, run a minimum 3 times a week. i can't run long enough to burn 200,000 calories but at least i try. i sleep early, minimum 6 hours daily or occasionally. i try to not get too worked up or stressed for long periods. see, i value the importance of health. because i know the consequences of being on the other side. hell, i've been on the other side. to be hospitalized and have a doctor be stunned that someone at the age of sixteen developed a disease that obese people in their 40s get. i know how it all feels like.

hence, my leafy turnover.
but there's this problem.

i cannot stop. eating. all these things that are not good for me. you know, those thingy majingies at the top of the food pyramid? the ones that are kept behind pretty glass counters telling you to BUY ME EAT ME! i eat them everyday. and i mean. every. day. chips. icecream. cookies. cake. cupcakes. iced cupcakes. chocolate. caramel filled chocolate. melted chocolate. chocolate icecream. sundaes. fries. i eat them everyday. in between meals, before meals, during my meals... straight to the point, i crave all this shit.

what worries me is its effect on my body. all of you can say sweet things that are annoyingly ear pleasing like 'but ohhhh your body burns it faaaaaaast' and 'you're still so sliiiiiiiiim' but for how long? i'm eighteen, and i have building cellulite on my legs. the type that by the time i reach 40, it'd be like the ugly version of the Michellin baby's legs.

oh yeah, in case you can't tell,

i'm also very body conscious.

i've reached the panic mode where i'm now thinking of when i grow older and if this binging habit doesn't stop. i don't want, to be looking at myself in the mirror, and crying at what i see. i'm scared. i want to love my body for how it looks but if i already absolutely hate it for how i'm making it look now, what would i do to myself in a decade's time?

i appreciate what God has blessed me with. i really do.
but i'm abusing it like an unthoughtful owner.
i cannot do this. and i need to figure out how to stop this.

Lighthouse- The Hush Sound

dream within a dream part 2

2010-08-18T23:41:00.002+08:00

so i watched Inception again yesterday with mamah
still as blown away, no longer as confused ROFL

actually no, confused is the wrong word. i was more... fascinated? encapsulated? boggled? truly, the idea of the entire movie just sparks more and more ideas regarding dreams, subconsciousness, the human brain and its ability. Christopher Nolan you ARE GENIUS. to be able to go that far in terms of thinking so creatively and unexpectedly, and to produce one of the most notable movies of all time. i clap and joget joget for you.

you know WHAT got me thoroughly pissed off?
Cobb bringing Mal wherever he goes in his dreams. shooting shooting, there she is. earthquake, there she is. ya ya when you go to the toilet and berak bring her there also lah k. your children i excuse because you couldn't see their faces.

but if there were only such thing though, in real life; being able to lock memories away and visit them when you want to and when you need to. i wonder if i would do that. to preserve the memories and moments i've had with the people i've lost, and go back to that one two moments in time for the pure addictive heck of it.

the truth comes out of the bag when you mess up between your reality and your dreams.

and that truly, truly terrified me to no end.

all of us have lost people we love, haven't we?

i know many have lost mothers, and dads, like i did. can't help it when we rethink the times of laughter and joy that were shared, to feel it all over again. but we can't, because those are just memories, memories that can't be felt and can't be touched. just.. memories. however, if.... you were given the chance and ability to store those memories as real trinkets in glass bottles, and unleash them ala genie in the bottle whenever you want to, would you? just the idea of revisiting and re-feeling all those now distant times?

i would. i really really would.

i'd give anything to hug my father again, and tell him i love him over and over again. and that i would've changed the outcome of it if i could, over and over again. to hold his hand and let him know that i'm sorry for what has happened. even to just see him; his face, that would be an entire heaven on its own.

but then i won't.

because his absence is what makes me today. because the genuine quality of those moments would deteriorate if they were to be that easily attainable. i know i often, dramatically pontificate the idea of a rollercoaster as life but yes. its like riding a roller coaster and only wanting to sit through the fast sloops and exciting spins. yeah sure, FUN with a capital F, but how long would it take for you to sit through those thrilling parts until they don't mean anything to you anymore? or even, how are you going to move on with life when you willingly allow old stories be a part of your new one?

soon you begin to see them everywhere; when you wake up, when you're leaving the house, when you're in school or when you're working. it was SO. PAINFUL for me to watch Cobb subconsciously allow these distractions into his life i just felt like jumping at the big screen and shaking him up but no need thanks to ellen page and her great acting

memories are memories for a reason.

all we can do is that when we do dream about them, we treasure it, and let it go. and then we walk.

i mean... not like you can keep them the way Inception showed right.

Collide ( Acoustic )- Howie Day

because that is a real man

2010-08-16T00:43:00.015+08:00

"Here’s the thing you gotta understand about Lynette.

She grew up without her dad.

Her mom was a drinker.

So she had to be responsible for everyone.

It left her with this constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart.

And that’s why she needs to control everything.

Of course, she can’t. Nobody can. But… She can control me… If I let her.

So I do. Because it makes her feel safe.

And that is my job, as her husband… to make her feel safe.”

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would you be daring enough to stand up for something that no one else stands up for?
to walk the hard narrow path, that few people choose?

in a snap of a finger, we'd all say yes; i dare stand up. the question is how far would you go in letting your faith and belief be tested? would it change once your life is put on the line? us humans; we're all afraid to die. some, because of not knowing where is the next place to be after death. just like you, i believe in a heaven, a place that is good and peaceful and truthful. maybe you don't believe in heaven, but that's somewhat the image of your longed afterlife residence, isn't it?

our lives are filled with challenges, and tests and troubles.
but God just could be our biggest challenge of them all.

a real man is ready to live only when he is ready to die.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

whats new?

2010-08-14T21:44:00.003+08:00

first three months of college; dzown.
i'm currently at HELP working on getting ma degree in psychology. :) i know i've once said i'd most definitely be venturing into journalism but under circumstances, willing and unwilling, i'm going for pscyh instead. the people here are amazing. i've made a bunchful of great, great friends and many lecturers of those i respect are beyond qualified in doing what they do. i'm glad i made the right decision on choosing to go to this underground, never-knowing-whether-its-tsunami-or-sunshine, occasionally-without-aircond college.

the people i hang with;
are sometimes, too much to handle. they actually wear me out, i'm not kidding. to be fairly honest, i'm a very normal girl with outbursting thoughts, thats all. mediocre personality, okay face, just-right brain. i think. but YES, can i please introduce to you the people that i talk to in college? kthnx.

1) ~~Jayanthi~~ Jane Palani

she asks to be called Jane coz she thinks she's some mat salleh. obsessed with good looking men, hence, she is sexist towards the UNgood looking men. makes noises go figure when she spots good looking men. curses alot. le organizer of half of my life. my english partner. my mamah. my best friend. insanity level: 70/100

2) Mimie

George Craig lovers. Tokio Hotel freak. does Addmath when she's bored. borrowed The Lovely Bones from her two months ago but barely read it. rockstar. no seriously, she's a rockstar. i know many of you will love her coz she listens to the awesomest set of music; from The White Stripes to We Are The Kings, she rocks it like that. my nomnom partner. my best friend. insanity level: 80/100

3) Mira

so girl next door kan? pendiam from outside. you just have to turn on the music, and she'll joget joget for you. not simple joget joget know, the clubbing goncang-goncang type of joget joget. jokes too. and DOES SHE NOT HAVE THE NICEST EYEBROWS IN THE WORLD OMG. my dance partner. my best friend. insanity level: 50/100

these three

are also the first three people i got to know in college <3

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the boyz;

Ashiee and Justin <3

insanity level(s): 250/100 and 100/100

i cannot even begin to describe these two, SRSLY. comparing them to monkeys or wild cows is not even enough. satu cakap non stop, satu jerit kuat macam badak apetah semcm. dua dua very bising lah, in general. one recently spazzed over a pair of blue converse, one spazzes over everything. was not in the same semester with them for the first three months but unfortunately will be for the 2nd sem. despite all the unneeded noise, they get all my love coz they're actually very awesome and are almost always there for me. my Biebers, my best friends. <3

there are many others really but i malas nak upload. ok yah.

i've been eating alot.

i know you're not surprised but still. i've been munching down cupcakes, chips, cakes, deep fried crap, sugary refined crap and what not. everyday i eat something sweet i'm not even kidding. i'll show you my E-Fat Food Journal:

09th Aug, Mon: buttered waffle, Twisties Crispies

10th Aug, Tues: big bowl of icecream, cheesed rice, KitKat bar

11th Aug, Wed: cream pasta, two cupcakes while watching Inception, KitKat bar

12th Aug, Thurs: fried bun, fried chicken for dinner, Oreos,

13th Aug, Friday: cream pasta, two slices of chocolate cake

14th Aug, today: cupcake with icing, sugar doughnut

15th Aug, tomorrow: i'm thinking more Twisties Crispies, and heavy dinner with cousins

ok yah.

i need to get my writing mojo back.

i'm on the lookout for things to write about. or actually, i can always flick through my diary's pages from the last six months what, you think i stopped writing completely?. with all my happy moments and blessings, comes all the sadness, heartache and tears before and after them. i've been maintaining a happy-go-lucky spirit, or at least i try. i do however think i'm much happier now than how i was last year and i credit this to God and my friends who keep me up and about.

so yes, inspiration.

i'll just loiter around and see what tickles my writing fancy.

Mosh- Eminem

dream within a dream

2010-08-12T00:51:00.002+08:00

so i just finished rambling about the epicness of Inception to my mom just now.
yes i just watched it. and no my mom has not watched it.

okay, let me just say..........

that it is genuinely one of the most interesting, encapsulating, vividly scary yet exciting movies. ever made. three hundred percent. i have so much to say about this bloody movie i can't even.... UGHHH.

before i even watched it, i didn't have the urge to because 1)i am not a fan of Leonardo Dicaprio 2)at all and i don't know why so 3)my interest level was about 2/10 and 4)i didn't get the trailer. seriously, only God can get the trailer.

reasons for ultra super thumbs up:

1)story line.

TAK FAHAM

dream within a dream within another dream, installing an idea into The Mark's mind and ensuring that the idea is independently produced by The Mark, figuring out the difference between subconsciousness and reality, not figuring out the difference between subconciousness and reality.. you get the whole kick. pun intended.

WARNING: people who don't have high IQ seriously cannot watch this movie. i can just imagine the number of people who, at the end of the movie, cursed and had the O.o face. i would know, i was cursing. thank you Christopher Nolan for making me constantly rethink of the concept you created although i watched it 9 hours ago.

2)visual imagery & sound effects.

the entire movie was completely, visually delicious. if Inception were ever to come true in our future lives, i would really want to be a Dream Architect. because it is actually logic ( infrastructure of a dream appearing unlogic/paradoxical like upward/downward stairways, unlogical placement of things ) and i have actually had a few dreams like that before. and thank you, Hans Zimmer for the music. also, the placement of sound effects scared the bajeezers out of me. so so well done.

3)cast.

especially Ken Watanabe, Marion Cotillard, and Ellen Page. proves you don't need big shots to make a movie big. *cough*Valentine's Day*cough* i am still not a fan of Dicaprio.

4)JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.

nuff sed

5)ending.

WAHLAO THE ENDING. JUST WAHLAO.

i actually need and want to watch it again. and anyone who wants to comment/ talk about the movie; HAI SHARING IS CARING. i've read a number of people's opinions and all in all, the movie is tiring, in a good way. i've been thinking bout it literally ALL DAY because my finals were over so i'm too free.

and..... tido.

get back, click-clack, BLAOW

2010-08-11T00:35:00.001+08:00

wowza. certainly haven't seen the blogspot post bar for a long while.
i don't even remember how to use certain functions. i kidz you not.

its 12:40a.m., am exhausted from a long day which started off at 5 and reaching home at three hours ago. without caffeine; because i am my own wonderwoman that way. NGIAH AH. but yes, my first college semester is ovah. OVAH! just two weeks to the next semester and i'mma cherish this itsy bitsy bit of freedom before i go back and die! aaaaaaaaaah sqwrtysasdfghjkl

........................
but seriously though,

i really have been missing, haven't i? from writing on a day to day basis, to not writing anymore for half a year. the start of it was torture, i won't lie. i've always been somewhat, interconnected with my online page that i write almost everything into. but i just wanted to get away from the routine of it all, step out, and experience things without having to think of effects. causes. results. expectations.

well its been 8 months.

and i finally feel the need to write again.

Love The Way You Lie- Eminem ft Rihanna

because i'll try to make this my last.

2009-12-30T23:47:00.007+08:00

though my happiness level this very moment is about a 10/100,
when i reflect back at everything that has graciously happened to me, and the things that i worked for to happen in this year od 2009, it reminds me of the many things i've accomplished.

i think, throughout these 365 days, everyday there is something for me to learn. no day was unmemorable to me. though there are days in which i wished would just be zapped out of my memory so it won't leave behind effusively estranged and painfully bitter moments that i would occasionally time travel to on random days. forgive definitely, but no one ever really forgets.

but thats why rainy days never leave our memory.

they are there to remind us of how much crap we've put up with. and if another one comes in the way, we'd just give it the finger and move on from it.

this year, i have realized more of the type of person that i would eventually grow into in years down the road. for example, i realized i'm the type who finds emotional pain much harder to handle with than physical. yes, my emotional tolerance level is about a -10.

i will forever be someone who overthinks everything.
i just got off the phone with BoonAun about it; my knack of over-analyzing everything except Math, well cooked spaghetti, and comfortable sneakers is a good and bad thing at the same time. almost everything is a good and bad thing at the same time so hence, many things in life are neutral.

i love anything that has sentimental value and i am starting to give my loved ones/favourite things sentimental value. for example, i keep new clothes in my cupboard for a minimum of one week and maximum of years before i actually wear them. i buy secondhand items.

anythng vintage has started to get into my blood as well. all things mahagony, laced, frames, rich hues of brown, chignons, ribbons and pearls, big rings, iced cupcakes and china.

i am most likely, and most definitely venturing into journalism as my career. if not, something that i am genuinely very very interested in because i don't care about how much it'll give to me, i care about how much i'd give to it, so as to make my future job something that i would love for a long time.

though i said i'd give the finger to a bloody problem that i have similarly faced before, i will still always be someone who is difficult. by difficult, i mean someone who is very doubtful, even if its towards the person she cares for the most. being an extremely picky eater and shopper. being a person in which, it takes an immense load of effort to get me up when i fall down.

i've also, finally came to senses,
that i am worth enough to choose my own friends.
unquestionably, i have casted out certain people from my life. because i've finally realized that i don't have to stick around people who would only bring about negativity and pull me down. thats right. I DON'T NEED CHUUU. i am good on my own, thank you very much. i take a curtsy and bow.

as for tomorrow,
and the next 365 days,
i am setting many goals for myself.

i really want to be less of me, and yet be more of me. i'll be eighteen next year. driving, attending college, working. hopefully a year wiser, and not a year more senile. i'm going to pursue, i'm going to run and i'm going to fly.

watch me.

Orange Sky- Alexi Murdoch

2009-12-26T10:19:00.002+08:00

lyrics used to be posted up on lyricalsteps on a frequency of once a fortnight. because that is how important music is to me. they are my mediums of connection between someone else out there who is feeling the exact same thing that i am feeling. when i'm down, it makes me one percent less lonely and when i'm up and about, it makes me one percent higher.

i recently heard this song on the radio.
lets be honest, mainstream music is not as good as it was before.
sex, drugs, money, naked women.

so yes, this song.
it once meant nothing to me.
but now it means everything to me.

i am mixing the lyrics of Avalanche by Marie Digby with a little bit of something that i wrote yesterday on the bed, as i was tearing away. they don't chime together like PB and J but it is the first thing that i have composed officially. ( officially = complete with melody, tune, lyrics )

you got me standing at the bottom of this fountain that we made
and the ground is shaking from all of our mistakes
there's no one, but the ice is on its way
it's a matter of time
can we rewind?

if you only knew
what my heart goes through for you
i'm tryin to break through
do you think it's worth the chance?
hold on to this path
is it too much to ask?
so where do we stand?
can we pull through this avalanche?

i wanna throw away this feeling
i wanna let go of this pain from the past
coz i am better off without these tears
so maybe i'll sleep
so maybe i'll sleep

Avalanche- Marie Digby

because i am overwhelmed by these things.

2009-12-22T23:43:00.009+08:00

mom recently brought back these boxes of delish cupcakes.
she rarely buys em.
but i totally dig em.
its adorable shape, thickly creamed, sweeter than sin :)

spent a marvelous time at PD with the best people i've ever known
often i feel that photos of skies and landscapes don't do justice to its actual portrait. though each day of the three day two night stay had a different weather, i loved every.single.bit.of.it.
beach volleyball in the rain FTW!

today i surprised someone.
today, someone surprised me.
i feel somewhat nostalgic and very much juxtaposed. because i know that the effort put into making a surprise is worth it when it is for someone special.

i'm glad i made you feel special
and i'm glad that i am special to you as well :)

Comfortable- John Mayer

because this chapter is coming to an end.

2009-12-17T00:16:00.003+08:00

hello lovelies,
how are you?

for those who thought that i've died,
don't worry.
i'm very much breathing, alive and still eating ;)

as many can see and have known,
i've been having some lovely entertainment on the left side of my blog :)
can't really update much now, since i don't want to be unrighteously scrutinized for nothing. and also because i've been happily bonding with Facebook. *grins*

but what i know is that lyricalsteps is going to come to an end very soon.

i've had a good 3 years + friendship with this beloved e-journal of mine. and i think its time for me to move on and try something new *wipes dripping mascara*
i might be moving on to tumblr next, plus an actual journal for me to write more personal thoughts and things.

hopefully i update after Port Dickson! :D
happy holidays, all!

You and The Conversation

Yellow- Vitamin String Quartet

because we rejoice.

2009-12-09T00:24:00.003+08:00

thou shall stop using plastic bottles because they are made of polyethene!
they can KEEL YOUUUH

on a rather related note,

happy merdeka fellow friends :D

Part Of The List- NeYo

2009-12-07T23:48:00.002+08:00

TIME
TO KILL THE CHEMISTRY BABYY

because its difficult.

2009-12-05T12:07:00.008+08:00

is it just me,
or do people who get older just get crankier?
and i'm talking in terms of hours, not years

i've never ever been the type who doesn't care.
never.

and i never find it easy to ignore rude remarks, kurang ajar tones and blatantly stupid behaviour. even when it doesn't involve myself. call me penyibuk if you may, but it really does tick me off to quite a high level. so, the thing is, i don't know if i should learn to ignore and let wrong situations be wrong, or harden my head even more to fight against something that i believe is not right and not supposed to go on.

if i learn to ignore,
that only makes me like everyone else.
not willing to bring about change, just following the flow of normality.

if i decide to harden my head,
it goes against my other principle,
which is to always respect people who are years ahead of me.

that brings me to another question.
where do you draw the line between just lowering your head and accepting people for just how they are, and bravering yourself to voice your opinion towards someone whose beliefs you don't agree with?

on a separate note,
i need to do more Chemistry exercises.
i am simply getting too cocky.

happy birthday LeeMeiYing and TangSiuWern!
i love both of you so the very the much :D

Use Somebody- Paramore

'cause we got to change.

2009-11-29T22:14:00.012+08:00

today i suddenly feel elevated.
i felt the need to speak, to talk to people i don't often talk to, to acknowledge the ones that are the silent wallflowers in my world.

i used to have a nasty habit of analyzing details,
and then mock myself because of the advantages that people have over me, but also quietly pat myself on the back because of the advantages i have over them.

i feel changed.
not entirely, but most definitely.

today, during the sermon which i arrived in time for,
i found myself engaging passionately in the message that Pastor Ong was preaching to us. many of the things that he has been talking about recently happen to be very mind opening and enlightening ( for myself ). today, he spoke about how many Christians reach their destination, but don't fulfill their destiny.

i am not speaking in reference to anyone, not even myself, but he is indeed very true. logically, what is the point of constantly talking about bringing more people to Christ when one doesn't live in the ways of our Lord? sure; it IS GREAT to preach and spread the gospel but if in the process, we lie, we practice fraud, we dismiss other important things like family and loved ones... how does that make us any bit Christian?

on a more relevant note for youth,
we bitch, we blabber, we complain, we gossip...
what sort of image are we portraying to the world as His believers?

we focus so much on booking a spot for ourselves in heaven,
until we forget to live in His ways during our time on this earth.

the reason why i found this message enlightening was because i never saw bringing-more-people-to-Christ as my destiny as a Christian. i got confused along the way and my belief system nearly broke because i saw and experienced many friends who seemed to have focused on that with more importance, instead of first, trying to live righteously.

please don't get me wrong,
and think that preaching the gospel is unnecessary.
it is only something that i will do successfully one day when my faith and belief in Him is of top notch, and when i am finally ready to exemplify myself as the right example of a believer.

right now,
i am still a piece of forming clay,
not fully shaped yet,
and simply not ready yet.

with this,
i pray that all my brothers and sisters can rethink and reshift our focuses. that if we have focused on our destination so much instead of our destiny, we can take time to change these wrong mindsets of ours and always remember to exemplify You and the ways that You have lived while you were on this Earth. then only can we be successful in the things we do because we have allowed You to work amidst us.

Misguided Ghosts- Paramore

2009-11-28T16:55:00.004+08:00

it is difficult sometimes to focus on a movie,
when you have such a smoldering man for the lead actor.

*sigh* Logan Bartholomew.
why are there so few pictures of you on the net!?

now i'm going to buy Janette Oke's books,
and ingeniously visualize him in every picture possible.

Clocks- VersaEmerge

because its the Trinity smackdown.

2009-11-24T21:02:00.003+08:00

Chemistry

Physics

Biology

i planned on taking a break today,
but my nerves are constantly getting to me.
good luck, fellow Addmath students!

2009-11-22T00:07:00.004+08:00

Billy Bell
the most amazing being i've ever seen

2009-11-19T19:44:00.004+08:00

probably the cutest thing on the first day of SPM,

was half of the hall with their shoes off. :)

2009-11-17T14:10:00.003+08:00

ready, set........

because i learnt something.

2009-11-12T22:30:00.012+08:00

as expected,

i wept like a baby.

Ratings: 4.5/5 stars

if you're not a big fan of like fast cars and explosions, or lots of girls in thongs and bikinis, or lots of slapstick humour, then you would definitely loike this movie. *thumbs up* its really nothing to brag about, this movie. but maybe thats why i like it so much. and have you ever noticed how Rachel Mcadams is just so beautiful? yes, Rachel Mcadams is who i'm talking bout, not Eric Bana.

a pretty good story,
that will make you stone out and think about life.
damn do i sound philosophical

------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've always been one to speak my mind.
and its not a surprise or shock to many either, this simple statement.

but... you should know that i used to be that timid, weird bookworm who sat in the corner of the room and only talking when i'm hungry, thirsty or irritated by a mosquito. then i went through the whole 'peer pressure' phase and from the different walks of life that i have befriended, i was definitely one of the most peer pressured. i felt the need to talk a certain way, not to speak of things that i thought maybe would make me look like a snoozeball and to just follow the flow.

quite unbelievable, coming from a school debator eh?

sometimes i wonder if i still do, or, am like that.
i've changed, definitely, but once in a while i still feel like i'm forcing my lips shut because i don't want to exude.... well, a boring personality. to walk with my head held high, faking every inch of confidence as i walk step by step. to just jolt up a conversation because i despise weird cricket-noise moments. to laugh at someone's lame joke, though in my mind i'm going 'God is this guy for real?'

today i learnt,
that maybe its not all too bad a thing, this thing that peer pressure has made out of me.

it has made me a bit more aware of people's intentions and true colours sometimes, and a fast critic towards a person's character, persona and behaviour. i know whats in and happening, and whats not. but being the person that i've finally became, thanks to the great upbringing of my parents and guidance from weird-as-well friends, i learnt not to care so much. that really, none of it matters. this plastic world that exists.

it has taught me how to make the best out of a situation.
how to behave in front of different people at different occasions, to let someone know that i'm willing to share an ear if i could help by just listening. to make someone feel better, by laughing at their not-so-funny joke.

it has also made me more aware of people, in general.
the good things that we can do, and also the bad things we can do. how we fall to sin's temptation and perform acts of small crimes and big crimes.

that maybe sometimes, its better if i kept things to myself.
to speak of things only if necessary, be it good or bad.
ironically, as i publicly write this part-confession-part-truestory, i finally understand what it means by privacy. and own space.

and that is something that i am learning to develop.
i am still going to be an outspoken person,
but now with my own privacy.
keeping my life as something that shouldn't be known by everyone and anyone.

oops.
have to go study.

Broken- Lifehouse

because

2009-11-10T22:56:00.006+08:00

many think i'm probably busy working my ass off.
immersed in Physics books, reading and reading more History like how i always do. or probably showing off some Biology knowledge to a poor unwilling ear.

truth is,
i just finished watching 2 wholesome hours of SoYouThinkYouCanDance season4's audition on AXN, and a Desperate Housewives shocker episode where Edie crashed her car into a telephone pole and accidentally got electrocuted after finding out that her husband is a psychopath murderer.

i know i should never compare myself to others.
i know i shouldn't be here on the computer, so freely either.

and no its not my first time "taking a break from studying".
in fact, i've been taking too many breaks from studying.
and again, no. i'm not being too hard on myself.

i simply can't recall being in this state of mind before my trials or before my PMR if i'm allowed to date that far back. to be honest, i don't know why i'm allowing myself to waste the last bits of precious time before this examination. i don't know what is driving this senseless arrogance in me. 'i don't know' seems to be buzzing in my head thoroughly in the past fortnight.

i've lost all sense of motivation.
i no longer see my goal.
i have no answer.
its all getting blurry, fuzzy and numb.

i know. its just an examination. life can go on. bla.

just that all these expectations that are coming of of me, and the want to do it for the teachers who've put in so much effort into helping me and guiding me. i am no longer the subject of my determination. its so painstakingly difficult because i want to but i can't. get. it. together. i know i can do it but i'm just not sure, what more with the fact that i'm simply not busting my ass off like how most of you are thinking.

i don't need a 'you are already prepared' or 'you can do it'.
because i have no bloody idea.
and neither do you.

seven days left.
and i have no idea where i stand.

Moments Between Sleep- VersaEmerge

coz seriously,

2009-11-08T19:02:00.016+08:00

i have some spectacular friends.
especially this one.

a real nutcase 80% of the time but overall he's amazing :D

i also love celine tang, sarah lee, tanboonhoe and all you chews!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

the massage parlour's closed already.
great job.

i'm just gonna sit here, rot and die with this spine thats going to dislocate itself any given minute now.

yes.
i am a drama queen and i exaggerate.

have fun sitting for SPM without me, kekawan ;)

2009-11-05T23:30:00.004+08:00

my new favourite way to overcome overwhelming tears and emotions;

going to sleep.

goodbye and goodnight.

Holiday- Boys Like Girls

2009-11-04T18:28:00.006+08:00

coz it makes me pretty damn sad.

2009-11-03T13:32:00.002+08:00

money makes the world go round,
the world go round

because good things come in all kinds of packages.

2009-10-30T21:47:00.005+08:00

Kasturi gave out free Brands Essence Chicken to us today.
then we were unwillingly forced to consume it together. entah for what.
and i downed the whole bottle like a hero, foo!

lets hope that it actually can help me keep awake for the night and do some proper and actual studying.

si mamat lengchai who gave the 10 minute Brands' speech in class today,
don't sue me for blogging my dislike to cold marmite/raw eggyolk tasting liquid.

but dammit,
why can't i revive the before-trials mood!?

----------------------------------------------------------------

EDITED DRAFT

so Lee's soft-spoken dad was very nice to fetch a few of us home from kasturi today.

i asked to be dropped outside my housing area at a bus stop, where the walking distance is.. okay lah, not a stone's throw away but it honestly isn't far. besides, there are always random neighbours strolling around the small place at 8pm to walk the dog, walk with wife/husband dll

just as i was, literally 50 steps away from my house,
i noticed a car slowly followed me from behind.
sumpah, panicked at first but when i looked harder it was actually Lee's father, with Lee in the passenger seat!

like a cartoon character, i looked front, then looked back at the car, looked front, and looked back at the car, then went to the car;

'yes, uncle?'
'you walk back. i see.'
my house! don't worry! its just there! *points*
*laughs* yeah you walk, wanna make sure you get home safely.

i giggled all the 50steps home.

i have never been stalked home lol in that manner before, and found it very enlightening to experience a parent that not only cares for their own child but also for the safety of other children. what more, when uncle Lee barely even knows me. so, kids; suck up about your parents not caring for you and all that emo stuff you have going on with yourself. love your parents! go hug them and kiss them now now now!

Pretty Thing- Charlotte Martin

because it was off the chain ;)

2009-10-27T20:14:00.020+08:00

i graduated :D

but WAAAAY before the whole shizzay,
it was sleepover at ines' place! *skipidies around* the only thing i remember is waking up at 5:30a.m cooking for the girls and edna's hantu sleeping habits. pity Alistair. tsktsk.

coz i was one of the only girls who wore flats, baby ;p

was bertikamlidah-ing with the fishmonger lady to kurangkan harga

while waiting upstairs.....

it was a freaking saree/punjabi suit parade i'm telling you. but nontheless ALL looked super class ;D

monitors' and m.assistants' of A and B
jawatan je ada, tugas sungguh tidak memuaskan sebenarnye
terutama ketua kelas A *batuk*

TOKOH MURID
doesn't he look so intellectual?

and my other tokoh murid :D

then downstairs.....

the best + worst moment of the day
i still think it was the highlight of the event. PERIOD

poor BoonHoe was sick :(

Kenny's, mine's

Boon's, Wern's

PnZakiah :)

i swore i wouldn't make a joke out of it,
but i have to say it;
someone wore a SKIIIIRT~

apple
dgn kasut idamanku

getting a taste of the tokoh pelajar trophey that i wasn't even shortlisted for!

*sigh*

the memories that i will keep with me as i go on from here.

with Vitamin C's Graduation song playing in background,
i still remember the first day coming into this school. the shivers i got because i was wearing a new uniform, carrying a new bag with new books. i still remember also, what was my first conversation with the people whose names have been engraved deep within my being.

okay fine its not hard to remember coz first day itself i was put in charge of the class and so, i tried real hard to not make it awkward when speaking to new people so i sounded overtalkative 8)

after the whole majlis ended,
i managed to strike a conversation with old friends Anisatul, Bhavna, Rashpal and Brian.

these are not the people i am closest to.
but i remember what was my first encounter with these people in sekolah rendah.

i spoke to Anisatul in standard1 as she was sitting in the dewan terbuka alone on a humid day and asked if she had a quarter to lend as i needed to buy something. i remember Bhavna sat next to my decade-long best friend, Amalina in 1Dahlia. Rashpal was from 2Anggerik and that was when i got to know her. and there was one fine day when Brian and i were in 2Cempaka, and we carried the class rubbish bin together to the big black bin near the girls' toilet and were teased 'ooh Brian ngan Wooong~' by another Cempakian.

ironic.
coz GOD KNOWS what other things i remember with this forgetful brain of mine.

and if i could remember those small, almost unimportant details from primary school, who knows how many times i will be reminiscing the good, bad and plainly idle times throughout the five years i've spent growing and learning in SMK Seksyen5 Wangsa Maju. we shall now await my tears on the last day of school.

last but not least,

check out Jega's fartface 8)

2009-10-25T16:58:00.002+08:00

hmmm....

*cricket noises*

so,
i haven't actually opened my books......

because there've been better days.

2009-10-22T19:08:00.012+08:00

'you look like hamtaro'- Anthea

SPM's in... what, three weeks?
here i am sitting on the computer, figuring out how to play even faster so i can finish Cake Mania 3 and be done with the stupid addictive game, focus on my books. don't i have my priorities all straight? i know i know... just delete the bloody software, hor?

*sigh*
dear God help this poor soul.

i did put in alot of effort into my trials. not sure if i'm doing the same or even more for the actual examination which is coming so soon. yeah, because i am that arrogantly smart. woohoo!~

nontheless, the past few weeks have been spent well going places, enjoying the company of mad people and more mad people. ;D

group study with some mad kiddos

i've been doing lotsa group study lately, so that should be good. heh

dinner at this really nice hilltop in Ampang with more kids

tartsauce ;p

John's leaving in a week! :(

Raya with IdzwanFarizTan

juliyawern, foo

deepavali with Jega :D

and Ranjaliiiiiii :)

uncle Azavedo and Ragupathy. HAHA

in two days; GRADUATION!

Pure Love- Arash ft Helena

2009-10-21T22:54:00.003+08:00

i'll meet you on the clouds

dance in the garden of Eden (:

Dear Darling, I Know We Both Feel The Same Way About This- An Honest Mistake